.

A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your emotions confused and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed for these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened it will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It take time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments. Or the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end.  And forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow him back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things?

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert.  I’m talking as someone going through it.

So what I seem to do is dissociate, I go numb, I go into my own little world and then during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?  We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.

 

Abuse.

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