The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
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XO -JC

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Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

Parenting To Me

If I was a frog I’d be alone on my tadpole when it came to parenting. I know that we all parent different, I don’t judge you but shit you sure as hell judge me. Is it because I am not married to her father? Maybe is it because you are just a judgmental prick, more likely. I parent with common sense. Can you say the same?

I was never that person who thought of being a parent, honestly never even crossed my mind but then I got pregnant. I can’t even remember the emotion I was feeling but my partner was great and I knew that our families would be great and I was financially able to so I said… let’s do this! Yes, there was a lot more thought into it but why bore you with all that.

I look at my daughter and can’t believe I grew her in my belly.. I feel this overwhelming emotion of love for her. This happens about once a day and it’s the favorite part of my day. And us as parents see our child as perfect in our eyes but come on, they are far from perfect, just as we are. They are human, you know – we didn’t create them out of bells & glitter so guess what (drumroll) YOUR CHILD IS NOT PERFECT. Remember this as you keep reading.

Have you ever thought why us as adults are able to have a bad day, but we don’t let kids have these days? This is silly, we have cranky moods, we get tired, we have moods that come with disrespectful tones, we have our own opinions; yet our children can’t? Stop holding your child to a higher standard that you can’t even reach yourself! Realize that your child has their own personality; not yours. We as their parent should understand that sometimes your child’s personality doesn’t match your own but guess what… you as the adult need to DEAL WITH IT. Change yourself to mold them how their personality needs to be molded, loved & cared for.

Let me tell you how I have parented thus far and how I plan to continue to parent.

I will give her the freedom to express all her emotions, yes this could be embarrassing; can include tantrums, yelling, etc… you know the things that would make others and even yourself think “oh wow that kid is a fucking brat”.

I will allow her to make her own choices. As we know our own choices lead to responsibility.

I want her to express herself; her likes, dislikes, wants and needs. I mean this is something that she’ll be doing the rest of her life why not get her used to it; aren’t that what parents are suppose do ..prepare the children to live?

I’m not going to shelter her to get her there, I’m not going to keep her from reality happening. Whether it’s the pains of reality or the joy of reality. She will not be sheltered.

I will give her the freedom to make the best choice for herself. She will learn her own lessons.

I will give her the comfort to speak to me about her feelings, her hurts, her disappointments… her life.

I will answer her questions honestly and with patience.

Doing the above will assure her that she can handle ANYTHING that life throws at her and will give her the skills she needs to do exactly that.

My biggest fear is being oblivious to my children’s sufferings as my parents were to mine… my ultimate goal is to be her safe haven, her place to talk freely about anything whether it breaks my heart and makes me want to crawl in a hole or not.

I’m not someone who prays but I do hope & wish when it comes to my daughter. I hope to demonstrate her inner peace, the importance of an open mind & I wish for her to be happy with herself no matter what.

I am “that kind” of parent.

XO -JC

Single person…not a single parent

Ok so I haven’t written about me being a mom in quite a while and if I’m honest with myself it’s because I’m being selfish.  My writing is when I’m alone in bed after a long day of working, being a mom, being a girlfriend, a confidante, etc… I am these things every day.  These things rule my thoughts,  my emotions, my soul..basically my life. I’m okay with that.

So now that I started this article for a whole other reason and I’ve gone completely left, let me go back to the title.

You are not a single parent if the other parent supports your child with emotion, with financial help or with physical time. Do us a favor and stop declaring yourself a single parent if you get any of those three. You get help, you get a day or a few to be “off duty”, you both discipline her, you make decisions together (at least I hope), your child’s personality has a chance to have both of you in it.

But guess what, not all people are that lucky.

Think about it… I’m sure we all know someone who is a TRUE single parent. Someone whose child hasn’t met, spoken to or even seen their other parent. That is a single mother or single father someone who can’t even get $1/week because that person has beat the system and is missing.

Don’t get me wrong I’m very aware that there are situations where maybe you are getting “help” but it comes with complexity. I obviously am not speaking to every single parent. We all have our own situations; good, bad, crazy, sporadic… whatever it may be.

But think about it…what if your child didn’t even know there other parent. That one person had to make all the decisions, one person bear all the financial responsibilities, one person that had to raise a respectful adult. Even 2 parents that are raising their child together question if they’re doing it right. Now imagine one. Yeah, exactly…so let’s just try to be a little more sensitive, a little more appreciative, a little more compassionate, a little less judgemental of each other. Just try it.

XO -JC

Beliefs…

I blame my parents.

I blame them that I am 31 years old and do not have a REAL belief in God or even in there not being one.  I was born into a Catholic family…I was also the 4th child.  My sisters went to Catholic school but maybe by the time I came along it was “whatever”…so my siblings have that foundation.  I don’t.  I’ve never read the bible.

Baptism.  I’m 5 months old.  I get baptized into a Catholic church…I have pictures to confirm this.  My parents made this decision for me.  I think it’s weird.  I was washed from my sins but honestly what sins did I commit?  Spit up my milk or had a projectile bowel movement? Ok ok, I’m not that ignorant…maybe it’s the “possible” sins I came to be.  Was I a child of a rape, incest or a bastard child… I wasn’t.  So what sins were washed away?  This is when I actually go to other religions….  They wait until the child is older, they let the child make the decision –you should be baptized when you can sincerely repent of your sinful nature and have faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour, the Giver of the Holy Spirit and the new birth or even baptized into a organization.

Fast forward…Communion.  I’m 8 years old.  My parents put me and my brother, who is 11 into communion class.  We do this, we finish it, we have our ceremony.  I don’t remember anything I learned in those mandatory classes.  I assume we read pieces of the bible, I assume they were interpreted for us.  I assume I had a test…again I don’t remember.  This is to be when the child is at the age of reason or able to know when right or wrong.  I could research the real purpose of a communion but so can you.  Maybe it was because my parents didn’t want to leave us in the pew as they went up for the communion (bread and wine).  Haha.  Again I’m kidding with the ignorance.

Fast forward…today, 31 years old.  Never confirmed in the Catholic Church…so I haven’t been given the courage to practice my faith; that’s what that ceremony was to do.  I say, good decision.  Because I don’t know what I believe.

Last time I went to church on my own sans an occasion of a wedding or baptism was a very long time ago… I can’t even remember to be honest.  I’ve never gone and confessed my sins as we are told to and yes, I have sinned a lot of times and will likely continue to sin.

So.  I’m not an atheist…I don’t think.  I just don’t know enough.   Marriage is sacred they say…you speak these vows in a church and “he” is listening.   Bullshit.  Sorry, just how I feel….doesn’t he have more important things to listen to?

I’m told to read the bible, I began but it’s not really telling you what to believe, it’s just stories.  So do I interpret them on my own & then pick a religion that agrees with me?  Maybe I don’t have to pick a religion and can just have my own beliefs, my own relationship with the higher being…

Let’s start with me reading the bible.  Wish me luck.

xoxo,  JC

What If

I know I’m not the only one that runs these ‘what if’ scenarios in my head.  We were all taught, trained, hypnotized to almost not think of this…we get the “No regrets, you learned a lesson” or “It just wasn’t meant to be” or even “God knows what he’s doing”.  I get it…BUT

what if…….

What if I had stayed with JJ’s dad…..I’d be susie homemaker.  I liked that shit though when we played house the first time around.  I’d be the cute lil family of 3, no one can tell us anything.  I’d also be resentful, jealous, neurotic…etc.  1 word: Unhealthy.

What if I would have moved to Atlanta as planned.  Lord I don’t know.  I’m sure I’d love it, I love it there everytime I go -the culture, music, mix of people, the scenery, weather changes.  I’m sure I’d fallen in love and who knows maybe be prego or even on my 2nd… 1 word: Dope

What if the man who grabbed, chased & then slapped me at the park that night..hadn’t ran away.  Yo this one is scary as hell.  Would I have gotten raped? Killed?  This happened summer of 2004.  I was young. I don’t even know what I could say… 1 word: Fuck

What if I have stayed with my latest ex…I’d be miserable….simple enough. 1 word: Miserable

Oh a fun one.

What if I won the lotto…pee in my pants then clean that up. Jump up and down doing body rolls & pelvic thrusts then stopping all that. Okay serious, I’d travel the world, I buy off my family’s homes, I’d build my dream house with the help of my pinterest boards, I’d do charity work with the poor in the US & DR first. I’d invest, open a business in party planning… 1 word: Rich

What if I didn’t have my daughter…I got shivers just thinking about it.  I can’t even imagine my life without her.  Before her, I was already done with the “night” scene.  I assume I’d be in a relationship or working so hard I don’t have time for one (me now).  She has made me see the world so differently, she has made me realize so much (I’m a big asshole)…man I hate to even think but what if…. 1 word: Unknown

What if….

-JIC

I’m a Mom

So I’m a mom.  I guess some think I don’t talk about her enough or that I am hiding her.  That’s not the case AT ALL.  Jaelyn is 3 years old and my WHOLE LIFE. 

I am fortunate enough to be able to still be my own person though.  A lot of mothers are not able to do this and have even told me that they wish they could do this.  They get completely lost in their child that they lose themselves and who they want to be, their goals & give up things that make them happy.  Yeah I haven’t done that & I don’t think that makes me any less of a mother.

It’s simple, If I’m not happy that will show to not only my daughter but everyone.  What kind of message is that.  Even if I was married with a partner to help me daily; I wouldn’t want to just be a mom.  I would want to keep my career, that I genuinely like.  My goal is to raise a strong, independent woman who will find her own happiness within before being able to find it anywhere else. & If she is then happy she will always be the 1st person in her life.  If I forget to take care of myself, do things I like 1st…I will in the long run resent my own child.  Trust me, I’ve spoken to plenty of parents of older kids, adults…this is the one mistake they wish they would have never had.  They lost 18 years of their life & when the child leaves to college they were able to be themselves. 

I have a couple of different groups of friends; I have a few social media sites I play with….some involve Jaelyn and some do not. Why would my single friend want me to talk about the issues I have with keeping a toddler in her bed at night or her eating habits. They aren’t interested in that. I have other ppl I could talk about those things with.

Facebook – YES. Probably ridiculously & annoyingly so if you ask my friends on there.  Every one that is my friend of Facebook I know personally & my page is private from the public.  You’ll find pictures of her, etc.

Twitter – NO. These are strangers..have I been able to build relationships from there, yes & he or she know about Jaelyn.  It’s almost like my alter ego. You throw a 140 character out to strangers.  Do I do it for a reaction yup.  Is that stupid? Probably. But I don’t care.  Don’t get me wrong. I flirt, I’m single so why not.  There are some beautiful ppl on that thing. It’s entertainment. That is it. Any one that looked at my Twitter profile, can click on this blog & I speak of her on this, here & there. 

Instagram – NO. Dude, it’s the filters. I’m obsessed. It’s my own little photo album. Plain& simple. I could make my change private and put Jaelyn on there but she doesn’t need filters, she’s perfect. LOL.

I want Jaelyn to respect me. Do I flirt -Yes…. that’s normal and healthy. Am I showing my goods in any of these sites, no. Am I sending nudes out…no, well…I mean I haven’t done that to date. I could possibly..

Basically I’m sure some will not agree with this & that is fine you don’t have to.  I am raising my daughter, not you.  Happy Fuckin Mother’s Day to me EVERY DAY!

Soooooooo Family Time, huh….

FAMILY . Do I love them yes…is it because I have to…probably.  

I have an obsession with my pops.  He’s cool as shit and much like me with the “not a big deal”, “better you than me” & “keep it honest” approach to living.  I don’t have daddy issues one bit but I’m sure some of my ex’s wish I did.  

Are my parents together, no. They divorced when I was 22 and not in a nice way either.  Pops had another life in DR (Dominican Republic) that no one knew.   Do I hate him for it, no.  I miss him though…terribly.  I even have a little sister now who’s 7, crazy!  I saw him for the first time after he left about 4 years later and was nervous, thought I was going to be mad, hurt…I was just HAPPY. Plain and simple. Just happy. Told you, I’m obsessed.

I am who I am because of my dad. Plain & simple.

Mom is special.  She’s not typical.  There isn’t a way she can be.  She got married to my dad at 17 because that’s how it was to be.  My dad was a player from the get; he was a businessman with grocery stores, etc in New York.  She never had to work; she got everything she ever wanted, including nannies.  Then shit just blew up after daddy did some dirty things that could have gotten his head chopped but we moved before that could happen.  Do I hate him now, nope.

Mom was forced to get a job for the first time in her 30s plus raise 4 kids by herself in a state that she knew no one.  Mom holds a lot of resentment and I don’t want to ever do that.   I love her but I don’t want to be like her and I think she’s okay with that.

My oldest sister…much like my mom although neither of them would agree.  She’s independent, strong, hard worker but not tactful.  Not much else to say.

My 2nd oldest sister…I feel like I’m her older sister.  Adorable, innocent and the sweetest thing.  Been with same guy since she was 16 (poor girl).  I just got her into stiletto’s like 2 years ago along with a better marriage. Haha.  She’s probably my favorite.  

My brother…ROCKS!  A lil bit of an exaggerator aka liar but it’s almost endearing because he does it out of insecurity so you can’t even be mad at him.  I love him much and wish he was right around the corner.  He got married and told no one.  That’s hot to me even though she’s PuertoRican.

-xxoo JIC