That Person

A person that has such a richness in their soul that your soul feeds off it like a damn buffet that even though you are full – you keep going back A person that at times can feel like a massage to your soul, your heart and even deeper than a massage with a happy ending by just speaking to this person. A person that exudes such positive vibes and energy that it literally fills you and makes you not only want to be better but to also learn about yourself with nothing but self care and love.  A person that can understand you, when you don’t even understand yourself. A person who can differ so much from you but respect your individual path.

Imagine being so comfortable with someone that you expose the shit that is in your heart, in your mind without a second thought because you know there will be no judgment to follow. Sounds reckless but beautiful at the same time. When you can do this your inner voice (that we are taught to suppress) is now free to express opinions, raw thoughts with no filter on them because your ego is now free.

Back to this person; they’ve changed you and now will always be with you from here on out helping you make decisions without you even realizing that their influence is in you.

There is a clear you before this person and a you after this person.

Changing your mind on how you were raised, how society molded you… shit feels like I owe this person a lot but they wouldn’t even take anything if you tried – yeah, that’s how different this person is. Now I’m not saying this person has their own shit together – they may not or they may or they may live life completely different than you but like I said earlier … individual paths are respected.

Shit sounds bananas, right? Like how can I have gone this many years and not had this or even will I ever have it? It happens and not always where you expect it – could be a friend, a lover, a therapist – could be someone that you’ve already met but they never knew they could open this to you. This person is something to be grateful for.

xx – JC

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M.

A sacred commitment to someone else; giving yourself to this person, trusting this person, having faith in this person.. the list goes on and then another list comes including effort, perseverance, discipline, sacrifice, loyalty, respect, selflessness. Then all of the above has to sit on top of a foundation that is filled with love, faith and hope.

Fuck.

I’ll preface this with saying I’m just talking my shit… I am old and no I’m not married and no I haven’t even been engaged.  Proposed to, I guess but that’s another story.  Oh and while we are getting to know me; no, I don’t have a degree in psychology, sociology or anything like that, I’m just writing down my thoughts for myself and you because you are here on the second paragraph so why not keep reading?

Marriage has never been a goal of mine. I was never that girl who dreamed of the day.  I know what you’re asking yourself right now so I’ll answer by saying, no my parents didn’t give me the example of a great marriage but others around me did and still are great examples of a solid ass marriage. I still don’t think it’s meant for me and it’s because it’s not necessary.  Now I’ll just start ranting, I don’t apologize.

Marriage is happening because someone said that is what was supposed to happen. Marriage doesn’t automatically make the love stronger, more meaningful or any other shit that society has made us think. Let’s be honest with ourselves – when seeing someone that is married you may automatically see them as more stable and responsible, right?  As fucked up as it is, most people are guilty of this. For some reason, society told us that being in a relationship, particularly marriage, is the norm and how this life of ours is supposed to be. Almost as a requirement to be looked at as a functional person therefore it is something that we are all told to desire. Hurry go run and tell everyone it’s okay not to desire marriage. Maybe you want a partnership, companionship without the M. While you’re out there telling them that, also tell them they are complete without it although you’ll be told there is no way.

Marriage doesn’t complete a person.  My god, please do not go into it looking for this other person to complete you, it is bound to end.  That is a lot of pressure to give to your spouse, do they even know the expectations you’ve put in their hands?  And remember expectations are never a good idea when it comes to another person doing for you.  Bottom line, make sure marriage is what you WANT and not need. You don’t need it to have a baby, a house or to look good for society. You can do all that without it and shit people would probably respect you more for doing it “out of the norm” and shhhh they’ll also be envying the fuck out of you.

Let me see how else I can put it – we all go to work and if we are the majority of the job field we are doing work out of obligation. Obligation to pay the bills, have a roof over our heads and something to drive; but an obligation none the least. Is marriage the same for you? An obligation? I know I would hate for my spouse to ever feel I’m there as an obligation to them. I want to be there because I want to be there, not because they NEED me there, not because we have kids. As a child of home that saw a messed up marriage – it does NOTHING for us if the two people aren’t happy and yes kids know at a young age what happy looks like.

Let’s think about it this way too… Two individuals with two separate minds and two separate emotions are to come together.  After time, emotions begin to wander. It’s not a bad thing, in fact it’s normal.  Life around us changes so why wouldn’t our emotions change. Maybe its kids, work stress, finance, health or a messy combo of all these things together.  Whatever it may be, its life and there may be something or someone else that requires your attention and maybe even your emotions. Of course these things are still with your spouse but now they are in other places now. What now?

I’ve stood next to two of my best friends on their wedding day with the thinking how great that they have gotten to this stage; but it is just a stage. We can all be pushed into stages, but unless you’re mentally prepared to go to the next stage and keep going through the different stages… it will fail. And yes, I get – there is also a stage that I’m guessing will be when I’m in my 50s or 60s that I wouldn’t want to be alone – where I would crave a companion because shit someone needs to open that jar of olives. Just kidding, a little – but yes, it’ll be nice to have someone at that age, definitely.

I want to make it clear – I’m not against marriage and can definitely respect those that do it for the right reasons but more respect will be given to those that STAY in it for the right reasons. And no I’m not saying let’s bring all these kids into the world without a marriage – I can agree that marriage is the most stable/secure environment to start a family but it doesn’t mean that the stability & the security will remain. That takes work. But to work on something you have to want it in your core along with having the energy to work on it. Oh and another for those doing it to have a kid – guess what, years down the line, when you do have the kids & they become more independent… you’ll be filled with disdain & disappointment in your life. Yes you’ll have kids to show for them but what happened to YOU?

So will I ever change my views – I’m sure but I would need one thing… PEACE.

From the moment we meet there is a recognition. No violins, halos… just comfort, just peace. Is that asking for a lot? Maybe but its what I want.

XO -JC

Hey you, teenage self – come here and read this!

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is be intentional. Intentional in all aspects of your life; from your daily interactions, to your job, to your relationships and family – absolutely EVERY aspect of your life.

What do I mean by being intentional? In simple term, is it necessary. Is where you are putting your energy and allowing it to stress you necessary? What are you allowing people to know about you? It can even be used when you waste money on something and then put it in the back of the closet or under the bed; only to find it a year later and trash it because you never needed it. What if you were intentional that day at the store and asked yourself, what will I need this for?

These questions can save you a lot of time and keep you from questioning your actions and decisions. I think I’ve said it before whether in prior posts or not… I used to love that I went with the flow and lived in the moment. Now as a vieja (old woman) I know that it isn’t ideal, my life has passed so quickly because I didn’t live it with intention.

Intentionality brings greater quality

Now to talk to the 2019 humans… think about it when you just start scrolling on social media – is it mindlessly or intentional? Are you in a kind frame of mind and really want to see pictures of your friends or are you just wasting time by scrolling; not liking, not reading the caption and avoiding? Isn’t social media to connect? For example, I see a sunset and I double click to like it because damn those ombre colors and the wave crashing and shit I can’t ever get a pic like that. So I like it and keep scrolling but then it comes up later that day and I take the time to actually read the caption. I now know that the person drove to the beach at 5am because they couldn’t sleep all night and wanted to get there fore the 6am sunrise and see if that would help the “funk” they were in. Now I know shit it wasn’t just a dope picture; they are going through something, so maybe reach out to them in a dm or even if you know their number in a text.

We could even go deeper – let’s not live just to pay our bills or have a lot of friends just to say you did instead of quality friends that know your heart and soul deeply. What are you passionate about? What are my priorities?

Understand your why.. and remember it’s fluid.

Let’s stop with instant gratification when we all know prolonged gratification is the icing (cream cheese or buttercream for me) to life.

xx- JC

Vulnerability

I recently read someone’s take on vulnerability and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The irony that he wrote about vulnerability while being raw and true in the writing was vulnerable on it’s own. He took me through the reality of opening up and being rewarded by being looked at like you are the center of the universe to then only be hurt in the end.

One thing we can all agree on is that to be vulnerable, is scary.

Vulnerability is a risk and like many risks it takes a whole lot of courage and strength to complete it, but it is REQUIRED to have a true connection. Whether we are speaking about a connection with a friend or the scariest thing, love – they both require us to expose our emotions, our weaknesses and fears. But now think about this – when you do put yourself our there by committing the act of vulnerability the next thing you will feel is discomfort but hold on strong because right outside that discomfort you will feel overwhelming strength and truth within you. Sitting in your uncomfortableness is you realizing that you are furthering yourself. That’s powerful as fuck, be proud of it.

Love & Vulnerability sitting in a tree … (yes, I wrote that in the tune of the old fairytale). In my opinion love and vulnerability are a pair or as this writer said vulnerability is the cousin of love or love’s child. This is true, one can’t work without the other – if you haven’t been vulnerable you aren’t loving. And you can’t even begin to have empathy without first vulnerability – without empathy you can’t have the foundation of true love. I’ll have to get into the that in another post.

Now with that said – vulnerability doesn’t mean your book is always open. Just like any other type of risk, it has to be balanced. You don’t have to express every single thought or feeling – some are meant just for you to process and come to a conclusion on your own. Know that vulnerability is different for all of us; for some it’s like unwrapping a gift slowly and for others we begin with being vulnerable from the jump to test the other person, to see who gets frightened and runs away. One isn’t better than the other – just be proud of yourself that you got there.

Vulnerability is something that I was once great at, I always had the ability to say exactly how I felt and to anyone that would listen. This was something that I really relished in about myself and what other people always complimented me on – the rawness and ability to communicate without overthinking. I hope to reclaim it again.

XX, JC

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
image

XO -JC

Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.

XO -JC

Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

A Broken Heart

Alone. Humiliated. Shocked. Scared. Disgusted. Betrayed. Uncontrollable.

Imagine feeling these emotions and then your body begins giving up on you…. groaning with pain, so nauseaus that you are gagging even actually vomiting, have so many tears you are certain you are going to die of dehydration, legs so weak that you are holding onto the wall or counter for support, walking around with little to no sleep.

I mean shit, how much can one person withstand.

Doesn’t matter what brought you here, a lost of a soul, a job..whatever it may be. You are heartbroken; literally feel your heart breaking and wishing that you had the ability to reach inside your chest and just hold it.

You guys this is a serious condition even spoken of by The American Heart Association. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#mainContent

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

You know what though relish in this feeling. This means that you are alive; you genuinely loved someone else. You got to a place where many can’t. Relish in this.

So now what?

Know that we can not control what happens, but we can control what you do with it. Yes you can keep busy, but what you need to do is use your optimism.

❤Remember, you are never completely alone, as long as you are true to the person in the mirror.

❤Know that you will come out of this stronger & wiser.

❤Remember, you will get over it. Happiness will come, it just takes strength, a lil selfishness and patience.

❤Remember it’s okay to not forget. Like a sprained foot, it’s healed & you can walk but when the weather is cold or the thunderstorm arrives; you feel it again.. temporarily.

After all, a broken heart is treatable.

XO -JC

The Questions

Many of us have been cheated on and if you haven’t fuck you. No but seriously, fuck you. Just kidding (not really) but it’s a pain that not even the best painkiller could help with. Your mind can think of nothing else and then enters the horrible questions that you really don’t want to know the answer to but you also do need to know especially if you are thinking of giving a second chance.

They are questions that you dare not ask because of your pride or just because it’ll sting that much more.

They are the questions that if you decide to forgive without knowing the answers to them will forever be in your head.

The questions that come to my mind are:
How often?
Where?
Better positions?
Tighter/bigger than me?
More creative?
Body more toned?
Do you cum harder?

Shit. Those could be some hard realizations if they are answered truthfully. The answers could break you and keep you from “getting over it”. The catch is they are also the questions that even if he/she answers them honestly; you already convinced your mind what the answer is. So why ask. Furthermore even knowing those answers the one question that will stay in your mind forever…

Why was I not enough?

XO -JC