Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do.  I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long.  But let me explain – please.  Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate.  And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.

In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me.  Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness.  I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that.  I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.

DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day.  Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving.  I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did.  I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow.  My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked.  So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated.  Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before.  I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.

ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse.  I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc…  Well again I apologize, I get it now.  I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful.  I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die.  Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.

FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this.  Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me.  I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again.  There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.

So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are.  Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing.  The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.

People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity.   When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people.   I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy.   I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.

Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics




Just Because

54854bf46326ed05fce8091d33f21c63Just because her body protected her… doesn’t mean she wanted it.  Self-lubrication is the vagina’s natural reaction to prevent pain.

Just because she let you into her home, into her bed, into her heart… doesn’t mean you had permission to go into her vagina.

Just because the skirt was short, the cleavage was out… doesn’t mean she wants it.  She works hard for those legs, her tits are real and damn perky for her age so why not show them off.

Just because she had an orgasm… doesn’t mean it was a pleasant one.  Don’t you know this made her hate her own body for betraying her.

Just because you weren’t pushed off, punched, bitten… doesn’t mean she was enjoying it; she was numb, felt nothing, felt dead so where was that strength supposed to come from?

Just because she makes excuses… doesn’t mean that there is an excuse for what happened.

Just because she can still look in your eyes… doesn’t mean she likes to.  She is looking in your eyes for remorse, for regret, for a way to understand.

Just because she hasn’t told anyone… doesn’t mean she’s okay with it.  She is scared, she fears what others will think.

Just because she smiles and jokes… doesn’t mean she doesn’t get home and falls apart.

Just because she can’t hate you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to be hated.

Just because she was torn down… doesn’t mean she will stay down.


xx, JC




A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your emotions confused and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed for these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened it will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It take time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments. Or the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end.  And forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow him back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things?

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert.  I’m talking as someone going through it.

So what I seem to do is dissociate, I go numb, I go into my own little world and then during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?  We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.



Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.