Healing

HealingWhen will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

 

xo, JC

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Just Because

54854bf46326ed05fce8091d33f21c63Just because her body protected her… doesn’t mean she wanted it.  Self-lubrication is the vagina’s natural reaction to prevent pain.

Just because she let you into her home, into her bed, into her heart… doesn’t mean you had permission to go into her vagina.

Just because the skirt was short, the cleavage was out… doesn’t mean she wants it.  She works hard for those legs, her tits are real and damn perky for her age so why not show them off.

Just because she had an orgasm… doesn’t mean it was a pleasant one.  Don’t you know this made her hate her own body for betraying her.

Just because you weren’t pushed off, punched, bitten… doesn’t mean she was enjoying it; she was numb, felt nothing, felt dead so where was that strength supposed to come from?

Just because she makes excuses… doesn’t mean that there is an excuse for what happened.

Just because she can still look in your eyes… doesn’t mean she likes to.  She is looking in your eyes for remorse, for regret, for a way to understand.

Just because she hasn’t told anyone… doesn’t mean she’s okay with it.  She is scared, she fears what others will think.

Just because she smiles and jokes… doesn’t mean she doesn’t get home and falls apart.

Just because she can’t hate you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to be hated.

Just because she was torn down… doesn’t mean she will stay down.

 

xx, JC

 

 

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A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your emotions confused and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed for these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened it will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It take time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments. Or the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end.  And forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow him back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things?

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert.  I’m talking as someone going through it.

So what I seem to do is dissociate, I go numb, I go into my own little world and then during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?  We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.

 

Abuse.

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

Guilt

It’s one of the most toxic and worse feelings we can feel. It has the ability eat you alive… literally. Yet if you didn’t feel it for anything, ever… you could be looked as at a psychopath. GUILT. It doesn’t matter why you felt it; whether as a parent, a lover, a friend, whatever role in your life it was… it sucks. I mean good for you for not being a psychopath but it still sucks.

So assuming no psychopaths are reading this… what is that you feel guilty for right at this moment? Have you been feeling guilty for so long that now you don’t even know why anymore?

Let me help you out; are you feeling guilt for ignoring your gut, for not saying no, for wearing that red thing on your sleeve, for jumping in without vest, for forgiving too many times, for forgetting you are the most important person in your life, for smiling when you shouldn’t have, for giving yourself when it was the last thing you wanted, for trying to prove yourself to anyone but yourself, for falling for words rather than actions, for letting thoughts motivate you instead of reality, for ignoring your needs and wants, for making excuses for someone’s abuse, for, for, for… hopefully your brain juices are moving now; I know mine are and the juice does not taste good.

Now I could go and tell you why I did each of those things but that’s my healing, not yours. Write them down and be honest, it’s quite eye opening. You have to remember, guilt although is known as bad, as toxic -also isn’t always a bad thing IF you actually choose to understand why you’ve chosen that feeling over the many others you could’ve chosen. Think about that – think that the guilt is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to love even deeper.

Only YOU can make yourself FEEL guilt. Yup you read that right, the feeling of guilt can come and go. Matter of fact it SHOULD; it’s not meant to be embraced… Let it go because as we all know well, guilt doesn’t solve the past.

xo, JC

The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
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XO -JC

Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.

XO -JC

Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

2015

Woke up today with two precious people in my life and one of the first things I did was fill out a new year declaration on Instagram ( http://instagram.com/p/xT8XOINrxl/ ). I also deleted the 4 drafts I had on here that I continued to go back to for the last 2 months.

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So something I’ve never done is make goals. I’ve tried changing, I’ve tried resolutions. .. but I’ve never tried goals. Where the fuck have I been? I’m 33 and never had goals, I just lived. Thats probably why I haven’t finished my degree or made something official in my name. So I’m trying something different because if I don’t, I can’t blame anyone but myself.

I will go into this year with what I used to have and used to cherish; my optimism, faith and trust. I hope to leave behind my resentment, negativity and bitterness.

I will work on loving the person I see in the mirrors because that is something I used to be so proud of being able to do.

I will cherish my time but also guard it. I will spend it doing what puts me at peace, what makes me happy and what keeps me optimistic. Reading, making memories with loved ones, eating, writing, helping others.

I will cook again. Something I used to do so much more and that I stopped for no good reason other than being too “rushed/busy”. But with me getting better at how I spend my time, I will get back to cooking again and soon.

Cooking more will go back to eating better. I also will add exercise in there even though just typing it makes me cringe, I will do it more.

I will say no to things instead of maybe, because if it isn’t a definite yea…its a no.

I could go on and on but then this would turn into a draft, which I actually hate. I want to give my time to one thing until completion before starting something new. That’s another goal.

It boils down to making good habits and habits take around 30 days to stick whether it’s starting new or breaking ones. Remember these are goals being synonymous with habits and not to be confused with a resolution because we know those don’t work.

XX-JC