That One Question

Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.

What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?

My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.

I now know why this question, a question that never affected me before but this time shook me as it did. I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understand why I CHOOSE to put it in on the back-burner for so long.

I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was my fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?

Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?

I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.

XOXO, JC

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Vulnerability

I recently read someone’s take on vulnerability and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The irony that he wrote about vulnerability while being raw and true in the writing was vulnerable on it’s own. He took me through the reality of opening up and being rewarded by being looked at like you are the center of the universe to then only be hurt in the end.

One thing we can all agree on is that to be vulnerable, is scary.

Vulnerability is a risk and like many risks it takes a whole lot of courage and strength to complete it, but it is REQUIRED to have a true connection. Whether we are speaking about a connection with a friend or the scariest thing, love – they both require us to expose our emotions, our weaknesses and fears. But now think about this – when you do put yourself our there by committing the act of vulnerability the next thing you will feel is discomfort but hold on strong because right outside that discomfort you will feel overwhelming strength and truth within you. Sitting in your uncomfortableness is you realizing that you are furthering yourself. That’s powerful as fuck, be proud of it.

Love & Vulnerability sitting in a tree … (yes, I wrote that in the tune of the old fairytale). In my opinion love and vulnerability are a pair or as this writer said vulnerability is the cousin of love or love’s child. This is true, one can’t work without the other – if you haven’t been vulnerable you aren’t loving. And you can’t even begin to have empathy without first vulnerability – without empathy you can’t have the foundation of true love. I’ll have to get into the that in another post.

Now with that said – vulnerability doesn’t mean your book is always open. Just like any other type of risk, it has to be balanced. You don’t have to express every single thought or feeling – some are meant just for you to process and come to a conclusion on your own. Know that vulnerability is different for all of us; for some it’s like unwrapping a gift slowly and for others we begin with being vulnerable from the jump to test the other person, to see who gets frightened and runs away. One isn’t better than the other – just be proud of yourself that you got there.

Vulnerability is something that I was once great at, I always had the ability to say exactly how I felt and to anyone that would listen. This was something that I really relished in about myself and what other people always complimented me on – the rawness and ability to communicate without overthinking. I hope to reclaim it again.

XX, JC

Hiding, Changing or Whatever

First, let’s paint the picture…five girls sitting around the dinner table, friends for over 20 years. It had been about five months since we last all got together so of course the mama bear of the group asked the question to all of us – “so what’s new with you”. I purposely moved by position to look at each of them one by one and let them answer while still drinking and hoping one of their stories was so good that it would take over the conversation for the night, and it did.

Now had that not happened and I had to answer the question, I knew what I would say because I practiced it while I drove to the restaurant and also while the other girls were answering. My answer was going to be “nothing much you know, same old same – work, sleep, mom and repeat”; but what I should say is “nothing new at all, I am stuck in the same rut for the 3rd year and it’s not okay and I need help to get out of it”. But I put the coward hat on, yet again. Yup, I called myself a coward – that’s self awareness, isn’t it? Do I get points for that at least? Serious though – I’m a coward because I am not being truthful; I am not telling them I have changed. Instead I am turning on my switch, putting on mask and going back to the old happy, go lucky, nothing can stress me persona – when that is so far from the truth.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear and now I understand that it could change a person; there are parts of me that have expired. I know, maybe that is not a bad thing – maybe I’ll evolve and shit and turn into a even better person, but for now, I don’t like it. I want go back to being the woman that went into a conversation genuinely interested in understanding the other person, the woman that just was happy waking up every morning, living each day to the fullest day by day.

Instead, the new me is waiting until I can go home and take a shower and lay in bed – get sucked into hours of Netflix or reading a book. It takes work and I’m not ready for that – call it cowardly, that’s fine. I called myself that earlier, remember. I am not ready to work on something because you know what, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I was changed – it wasn’t my choice.

xx, JC

Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

2016

Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do.  I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long.  But let me explain – please.  Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate.  And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.

In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me.  Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness.  I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that.  I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.

DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day.  Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving.  I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did.  I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow.  My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked.  So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated.  Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before.  I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.

ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse.  I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc…  Well again I apologize, I get it now.  I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful.  I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die.  Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.

FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this.  Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me.  I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again.  There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.

So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are.  Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing.  The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.

People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity.   When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people.   I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy.   I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.

Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics

 

XX, JC

Healing

HealingWhen will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

 

xo, JC

Just Because

54854bf46326ed05fce8091d33f21c63Just because her body protected her… doesn’t mean she wanted it.  Self-lubrication is the vagina’s natural reaction to prevent pain.

Just because she let you into her home, into her bed, into her heart… doesn’t mean you had permission to go into her vagina.

Just because the skirt was short, the cleavage was out… doesn’t mean she wants it.  She works hard for those legs, her tits are real and damn perky for her age so why not show them off.

Just because she had an orgasm… doesn’t mean it was a pleasant one.  Don’t you know this made her hate her own body for betraying her.

Just because you weren’t pushed off, punched, bitten… doesn’t mean she was enjoying it; she was numb, felt nothing, felt dead so where was that strength supposed to come from?

Just because she makes excuses… doesn’t mean that there is an excuse for what happened.

Just because she can still look in your eyes… doesn’t mean she likes to.  She is looking in your eyes for remorse, for regret, for a way to understand.

Just because she hasn’t told anyone… doesn’t mean she’s okay with it.  She is scared, she fears what others will think.

Just because she smiles and jokes… doesn’t mean she doesn’t get home and falls apart.

Just because she can’t hate you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to be hated.

Just because she was torn down… doesn’t mean she will stay down.

 

xx, JC

 

 

.

A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your emotions confused and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed for these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened it will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It take time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments. Or the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end.  And forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow him back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things?

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert.  I’m talking as someone going through it.

So what I seem to do is dissociate, I go numb, I go into my own little world and then during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?  We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.

 

Abuse.

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

Guilt

It’s one of the most toxic and worse feelings we can feel. It has the ability eat you alive… literally. Yet if you didn’t feel it for anything, ever… you could be looked as at a psychopath. GUILT. It doesn’t matter why you felt it; whether as a parent, a lover, a friend, whatever role in your life it was… it sucks. I mean good for you for not being a psychopath but it still sucks.

So assuming no psychopaths are reading this… what is that you feel guilty for right at this moment? Have you been feeling guilty for so long that now you don’t even know why anymore?

Let me help you out; are you feeling guilt for ignoring your gut, for not saying no, for wearing that red thing on your sleeve, for jumping in without vest, for forgiving too many times, for forgetting you are the most important person in your life, for smiling when you shouldn’t have, for giving yourself when it was the last thing you wanted, for trying to prove yourself to anyone but yourself, for falling for words rather than actions, for letting thoughts motivate you instead of reality, for ignoring your needs and wants, for making excuses for someone’s abuse, for, for, for… hopefully your brain juices are moving now; I know mine are and the juice does not taste good.

Now I could go and tell you why I did each of those things but that’s my healing, not yours. Write them down and be honest, it’s quite eye opening. You have to remember, guilt although is known as bad, as toxic -also isn’t always a bad thing IF you actually choose to understand why you’ve chosen that feeling over the many others you could’ve chosen. Think about that – think that the guilt is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to love even deeper.

Only YOU can make yourself FEEL guilt. Yup you read that right, the feeling of guilt can come and go. Matter of fact it SHOULD; it’s not meant to be embraced… Let it go because as we all know well, guilt doesn’t solve the past.

xo, JC