Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

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2016

Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do.  I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long.  But let me explain – please.  Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate.  And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.

In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me.  Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness.  I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that.  I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.

DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day.  Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving.  I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did.  I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow.  My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked.  So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated.  Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before.  I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.

ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse.  I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc…  Well again I apologize, I get it now.  I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful.  I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die.  Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.

FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this.  Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me.  I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again.  There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.

So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are.  Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing.  The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.

People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity.   When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people.   I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy.   I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.

Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics

 

XX, JC

Healing

HealingWhen will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

 

xo, JC

Just Because

54854bf46326ed05fce8091d33f21c63Just because her body protected her… doesn’t mean she wanted it.  Self-lubrication is the vagina’s natural reaction to prevent pain.

Just because she let you into her home, into her bed, into her heart… doesn’t mean you had permission to go into her vagina.

Just because the skirt was short, the cleavage was out… doesn’t mean she wants it.  She works hard for those legs, her tits are real and damn perky for her age so why not show them off.

Just because she had an orgasm… doesn’t mean it was a pleasant one.  Don’t you know this made her hate her own body for betraying her.

Just because you weren’t pushed off, punched, bitten… doesn’t mean she was enjoying it; she was numb, felt nothing, felt dead so where was that strength supposed to come from?

Just because she makes excuses… doesn’t mean that there is an excuse for what happened.

Just because she can still look in your eyes… doesn’t mean she likes to.  She is looking in your eyes for remorse, for regret, for a way to understand.

Just because she hasn’t told anyone… doesn’t mean she’s okay with it.  She is scared, she fears what others will think.

Just because she smiles and jokes… doesn’t mean she doesn’t get home and falls apart.

Just because she can’t hate you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to be hated.

Just because she was torn down… doesn’t mean she will stay down.

 

xx, JC

 

 

.

A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your emotions confused and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed for these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened it will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It take time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments. Or the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end.  And forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow him back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things?

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert.  I’m talking as someone going through it.

So what I seem to do is dissociate, I go numb, I go into my own little world and then during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?  We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.

 

Abuse.

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

Guilt

It’s one of the most toxic and worse feelings we can feel. It has the ability eat you alive… literally. Yet if you didn’t feel it for anything, ever… you could be looked as at a psychopath. GUILT. It doesn’t matter why you felt it; whether as a parent, a lover, a friend, whatever role in your life it was… it sucks. I mean good for you for not being a psychopath but it still sucks.

So assuming no psychopaths are reading this… what is that you feel guilty for right at this moment? Have you been feeling guilty for so long that now you don’t even know why anymore?

Let me help you out; are you feeling guilt for ignoring your gut, for not saying no, for wearing that red thing on your sleeve, for jumping in without vest, for forgiving too many times, for forgetting you are the most important person in your life, for smiling when you shouldn’t have, for giving yourself when it was the last thing you wanted, for trying to prove yourself to anyone but yourself, for falling for words rather than actions, for letting thoughts motivate you instead of reality, for ignoring your needs and wants, for making excuses for someone’s abuse, for, for, for… hopefully your brain juices are moving now; I know mine are and the juice does not taste good.

Now I could go and tell you why I did each of those things but that’s my healing, not yours. Write them down and be honest, it’s quite eye opening. You have to remember, guilt although is known as bad, as toxic -also isn’t always a bad thing IF you actually choose to understand why you’ve chosen that feeling over the many others you could’ve chosen. Think about that – think that the guilt is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to love even deeper.

Only YOU can make yourself FEEL guilt. Yup you read that right, the feeling of guilt can come and go. Matter of fact it SHOULD; it’s not meant to be embraced… Let it go because as we all know well, guilt doesn’t solve the past.

xo, JC

The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
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XO -JC