When will I stop thinking about it? When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks? just when?
How will I get over it? How will I be able to move on? just how?
Likely never. Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never. So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time. And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.
I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing. We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way. There is not one way to heal. There is no RIGHT way to heal.
There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”. Is this true? Maybe it is, for YOU.
On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog. I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic. Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.
So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings. I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME. Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.
I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on
I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm
I will trust my inner voice
I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises
I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey
I will not do things out of fear
I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:
Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?
This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant. I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity. What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.
HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.
A reader made go back and read this today…. one word: yeah.
I miss someone today. If I’m honest with myself I’ve missed him this whole week.
A little history: I dated this person before, I saw this person here & there for the past year and every time I felt it…in my tummy, in my mind, down below but just left it there. I spent time with this person last week for the first time in close to a year…
So, this is the person that I miss. That’s a hard feeling for me…I don’t miss many things, except for Cinnabon’s at the mall by my house. Now to get one its like a half hour drive. Anywho…lord I can make a blog just about Cinnabon’s too.
Back to where we were. I stayed away from this person for so long, I was successful with it too. Then the invite came -my first instinct was a no but then he kind of…
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I still haven’t gotten to reading the whole bible but I have listened to parts and both agreed and disagreed on it. I’m still not sure… and that’s ok.
I blame my parents.
I blame them that I am 31 years old and do not have a REAL belief in God or even in there not being one. I was born into a Catholic family…I was also the 4th child. My sisters went to Catholic school but maybe by the time I came along it was “whatever”…so my siblings have that foundation. I don’t. I’ve never read the bible.
Baptism. I’m 5 months old. I get baptized into a Catholic church…I have pictures to confirm this. My parents made this decision for me. I think it’s weird. I was washed from my sins but honestly what sins did I commit? Spit up my milk or had a projectile bowel movement? Ok ok, I’m not that ignorant…maybe it’s the “possible” sins I came to be. Was I a child of a rape, incest or a bastard child… I wasn’t…
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The title says it all.
I missed writing.
I got into a relationship…that has pretty much taken over my life. I can’t decide if this is good or bad. In one way I know it’s good because maybe I’ve been a good girlfriend. Key word “maybe”. Or has it been bad because I’m doing what I do and losing myself, not making time for things I enjoy. I don’t know but I’m over thinking about it. I like writing. I am trying to make it a priority again; trying not to lose myself. Because this relationship is different. I have found my best match.
Let’s get to writing.