That Person

A person that has such a richness in their soul that your soul feeds off it like a damn buffet that even though you are full – you keep going back A person that at times can feel like a massage to your soul, your heart and even deeper than a massage with a happy ending by just speaking to this person. A person that exudes such positive vibes and energy that it literally fills you and makes you not only want to be better but to also learn about yourself with nothing but self care and love.  A person that can understand you, when you don’t even understand yourself. A person who can differ so much from you but respect your individual path.

Imagine being so comfortable with someone that you expose the shit that is in your heart, in your mind without a second thought because you know there will be no judgment to follow. Sounds reckless but beautiful at the same time. When you can do this your inner voice (that we are taught to suppress) is now free to express opinions, raw thoughts with no filter on them because your ego is now free.

Back to this person; they’ve changed you and now will always be with you from here on out helping you make decisions without you even realizing that their influence is in you.

There is a clear you before this person and a you after this person.

Changing your mind on how you were raised, how society molded you… shit feels like I owe this person a lot but they wouldn’t even take anything if you tried – yeah, that’s how different this person is. Now I’m not saying this person has their own shit together – they may not or they may or they may live life completely different than you but like I said earlier … individual paths are respected.

Shit sounds bananas, right? Like how can I have gone this many years and not had this or even will I ever have it? It happens and not always where you expect it – could be a friend, a lover, a therapist – could be someone that you’ve already met but they never knew they could open this to you. This person is something to be grateful for.

xx – JC

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Gray

I’m going to start this with saying – my daughter, up until the age of about 7-8 could only think in black and white because she hadn’t developed the cognitive skills required to see both sides of an issue or situation. Fast forward to 11 and I’m introducing her to gray and that it’s okay.

“Being in the gray” is looked at as a negative thing – as if not fair or not balanced. It’s ironic since the color gray matches with anything so why can’t the mindset of gray go with anything too?

You’ve heard the term “middle ground”… the color of that ground is gray; sometimes a light gray almost white or a dark gray almost black. You get close to the black and white but not quite there and it’s okay, in fact correct that you’re neither all in or all out. Maybe you have a toe in or maybe even a few toes but that heel is still on that gray like wait no hold up I’m not convinced.

I’ve always been one to sit back and relish in the gray of my life. I am one that thinks it is rare that most situations are truly clear without any gray area in the middle. And I am also the one that thinks if everything was that I’d be bored as hell.

Because I embrace the gray I’ve been called selfish and weird and I’m okay with both of those adjectives. You’ll also hear that because of this you aren’t loyal and that you should not be trusted on anything at all. Read that one a couple times – shit doesn’t even sound right. There are levels to life – levels to situations – levels to our thoughts; it is not black and white.

So yeah call me weird or selfish, that’s your opinion and that is never wrong because guess what an opinion is yours.

xo – JC

Hey you, teenage self – come here and read this!

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is be intentional. Intentional in all aspects of your life; from your daily interactions, to your job, to your relationships and family – absolutely EVERY aspect of your life.

What do I mean by being intentional? In simple term, is it necessary. Is where you are putting your energy and allowing it to stress you necessary? What are you allowing people to know about you? It can even be used when you waste money on something and then put it in the back of the closet or under the bed; only to find it a year later and trash it because you never needed it. What if you were intentional that day at the store and asked yourself, what will I need this for?

These questions can save you a lot of time and keep you from questioning your actions and decisions. I think I’ve said it before whether in prior posts or not… I used to love that I went with the flow and lived in the moment. Now as a vieja (old woman) I know that it isn’t ideal, my life has passed so quickly because I didn’t live it with intention.

Intentionality brings greater quality

Now to talk to the 2019 humans… think about it when you just start scrolling on social media – is it mindlessly or intentional? Are you in a kind frame of mind and really want to see pictures of your friends or are you just wasting time by scrolling; not liking, not reading the caption and avoiding? Isn’t social media to connect? For example, I see a sunset and I double click to like it because damn those ombre colors and the wave crashing and shit I can’t ever get a pic like that. So I like it and keep scrolling but then it comes up later that day and I take the time to actually read the caption. I now know that the person drove to the beach at 5am because they couldn’t sleep all night and wanted to get there fore the 6am sunrise and see if that would help the “funk” they were in. Now I know shit it wasn’t just a dope picture; they are going through something, so maybe reach out to them in a dm or even if you know their number in a text.

We could even go deeper – let’s not live just to pay our bills or have a lot of friends just to say you did instead of quality friends that know your heart and soul deeply. What are you passionate about? What are my priorities?

Understand your why.. and remember it’s fluid.

Let’s stop with instant gratification when we all know prolonged gratification is the icing (cream cheese or buttercream for me) to life.

xx- JC

Half An Empath

What is an empath?  

I best describe it as the entering another’s person’s feeling and emotions intuitively at times.  My therapist said it’s a horrible trait but one that you can’t help and takes a lot of work to manage (I hate work).  

Think of a sponge – you absorb other’s emotion and physical pain but then the sponge doesn’t leak.  So now there energy is hanging inside you heavy as hell, weighing you down as if you yourself are going through it.  At times it’s like I’ve misplaced myself in this other person.

So I’m an empath, cool – what does that look like for me?  

Being an empath means I jump into relationships – they begin fast and are intense quickly because I dive deep and grab intimacy before I should.  Then that relationship fails because while now I’ve brought you into this deep and intense environment; I will also require distance and regular times of solitude but if you don’t want it I will not get it because I want to give you what you need.

Being an empath means people get addicted to me because I take them in.  I want to make their life better, I want them to feel important in this big bad world and I will do it at the demise of myself.

Being an empath means I am exhausted a lot because I say yes to things without thinking of what it would do to me, forgetting about my own needs and my own happiness.  Furthermore, the compassion that comes with an empath means I make excuses for other’s bad behavior – was it their childhood that made them this way?  Maybe the paranoia comes because of being hurt in the past? So many excuses that I can come up with for you.  Hate that shit about me.

So yeah this empath life is both a curse and a blessing. It takes works to not allow all energies in but then there is also the part of you that knows that the person trying to give you their energy, needs you.  So how do you choose what to allow?  I have no fucking idea, when you find out – please share. 

I called this piece “Half An Empath” because although I have this trait – I also at times ignore it.  My sponge opened it’s pores and took it but then I am wringing it so that it begins to drain out – it’s survival.  You’ll know when I’m practicing this, it’s when I shut off my phone and sometimes for a full day or two.  That is a type of boundary; my therapist and I worked on ways to get better at being an empath because it’s inevitable these may not be the same boundaries for you but toy with them and see if it helps: 

  • Limit your time with people that end to unload on you without permission 
  • Schedule your alone time; yes even if that means setting a reminder in your calendar
  • Grounding myself whether that’s meditating or writing my thoughts 
  • Stone practice – I haven’t tried this mainly because I haven’t taken the time to go and buy them and what to do with them but the stones are Labradorite, Smoky Quartz, Black Tourmaline & Hematite
  • Be with nature – I help my parents garden a lot – it’s quite therapeutic and I count walking my dog for 15-20 minutes too
  • Be intentional; don’t ask how someone is doing if you really can’t take that on.  They could need to vent and you may not be in that mindset today, so don’t ask – let them lead the conversation
  • Mantra:   “I RELEASE ALL THE ENERGY FROM THE OUTSIDE BACK TO ITS OWNER AND REQUEST ONLY MY ENERGY BACK, PLEASE & THANK YOU”

See how much work it takes; I’m working on it as best as I can which isn’t daily.  

xx- JC

Vulnerability

I recently read someone’s take on vulnerability and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The irony that he wrote about vulnerability while being raw and true in the writing was vulnerable on it’s own. He took me through the reality of opening up and being rewarded by being looked at like you are the center of the universe to then only be hurt in the end.

One thing we can all agree on is that to be vulnerable, is scary.

Vulnerability is a risk and like many risks it takes a whole lot of courage and strength to complete it, but it is REQUIRED to have a true connection. Whether we are speaking about a connection with a friend or the scariest thing, love – they both require us to expose our emotions, our weaknesses and fears. But now think about this – when you do put yourself our there by committing the act of vulnerability the next thing you will feel is discomfort but hold on strong because right outside that discomfort you will feel overwhelming strength and truth within you. Sitting in your uncomfortableness is you realizing that you are furthering yourself. That’s powerful as fuck, be proud of it.

Love & Vulnerability sitting in a tree … (yes, I wrote that in the tune of the old fairytale). In my opinion love and vulnerability are a pair or as this writer said vulnerability is the cousin of love or love’s child. This is true, one can’t work without the other – if you haven’t been vulnerable you aren’t loving. And you can’t even begin to have empathy without first vulnerability – without empathy you can’t have the foundation of true love. I’ll have to get into the that in another post.

Now with that said – vulnerability doesn’t mean your book is always open. Just like any other type of risk, it has to be balanced. You don’t have to express every single thought or feeling – some are meant just for you to process and come to a conclusion on your own. Know that vulnerability is different for all of us; for some it’s like unwrapping a gift slowly and for others we begin with being vulnerable from the jump to test the other person, to see who gets frightened and runs away. One isn’t better than the other – just be proud of yourself that you got there.

Vulnerability is something that I was once great at, I always had the ability to say exactly how I felt and to anyone that would listen. This was something that I really relished in about myself and what other people always complimented me on – the rawness and ability to communicate without overthinking. I hope to reclaim it again.

XX, JC

Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

Healing

Healing

When will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

xo, JC

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

Some of my Fav words…just because

I’m doing this at 2am because I can’t fall asleep….I don’t know why this came to mind either.  Bare with me.

Family / Inevitable / Deemed  / Life / Spifflicate / Pervert / Fucktard / Raw / Shitstorm / Dig / Thrust / Scum / Voucher / Sporadic / Me / Spree/ Grind / Degenerate / Dope / Vagina / Life / Food / Dimelo / Shoes /  Clumsy / Content / Hypocrite / Cunt / Wepa / Muff / Apprehensive / Monkey / Lovely / Pimple / Fuckery / Happy / Relax / Shabby / Intense / Asshole / Demise / Chubby / Laughter / Labia / Punk / Liveliness / Discombobulate / Wish / Thunk / Optimism / Kinky / Eat / Adolescent / Restraint / Troll /  Titties / Snitches / Useless / Cool / Adore / Scrutiny /Wacky / Spectacular / Pout / Journey …

Okay it’s time for bed.

Sooo I did this from my phone last night.  Just got alerted to it; I don’t remember doing this. LOL. I’m special..Oh I like that word too, haha.  Any who, there are more…don’t judge me if they aren’t the biggest, intelligent, most interesting words or not even words at all.  You count sheep, I write BS.

-XXOO