Vulnerability

I recently read someone’s take on vulnerability and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The irony that he wrote about vulnerability while being raw and true in the writing was vulnerable on it’s own. He took me through the reality of opening up and being rewarded by being looked at like you are the center of the universe to then only be hurt in the end.

One thing we can all agree on is that to be vulnerable, is scary.

Vulnerability is a risk and like many risks it takes a whole lot of courage and strength to complete it, but it is REQUIRED to have a true connection. Whether we are speaking about a connection with a friend or the scariest thing, love – they both require us to expose our emotions, our weaknesses and fears. But now think about this – when you do put yourself our there by committing the act of vulnerability the next thing you will feel is discomfort but hold on strong because right outside that discomfort you will feel overwhelming strength and truth within you. Sitting in your uncomfortableness is you realizing that you are furthering yourself. That’s powerful as fuck, be proud of it.

Love & Vulnerability sitting in a tree … (yes, I wrote that in the tune of the old fairytale). In my opinion love and vulnerability are a pair or as this writer said vulnerability is the cousin of love or love’s child. This is true, one can’t work without the other – if you haven’t been vulnerable you aren’t loving. And you can’t even begin to have empathy without first vulnerability – without empathy you can’t have the foundation of true love. I’ll have to get into the that in another post.

Now with that said – vulnerability doesn’t mean your book is always open. Just like any other type of risk, it has to be balanced. You don’t have to express every single thought or feeling – some are meant just for you to process and come to a conclusion on your own. Know that vulnerability is different for all of us; for some it’s like unwrapping a gift slowly and for others we begin with being vulnerable from the jump to test the other person, to see who gets frightened and runs away. One isn’t better than the other – just be proud of yourself that you got there.

Vulnerability is something that I was once great at, I always had the ability to say exactly how I felt and to anyone that would listen. This was something that I really relished in about myself and what other people always complimented me on – the rawness and ability to communicate without overthinking. I hope to reclaim it again.

XX, JC

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Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

Healing

HealingWhen will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

 

xo, JC

Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

Defeated

A reader made go back and read this today…. one word: yeah.

msjadore

I miss someone today. If I’m honest with myself I’ve missed him this whole week. 

A little history:  I dated this person before, I saw this person here & there for the past year and every time I felt it…in my tummy, in my mind, down below but just left it there. I spent time with this person last week for the first time in close to a year…

So, this is the person that I miss. That’s a hard feeling for me…I don’t miss many things, except for Cinnabon’s at the mall by my house.  Now to get one its like a half hour drive. Anywho…lord I can make a blog just about Cinnabon’s too.

Back to where we were.  I stayed away from this person for so long, I was successful with it too.  Then the invite came -my first instinct was a no but then he kind of…

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Beliefs…

I still haven’t gotten to reading the whole bible but I have listened to parts and both agreed and disagreed on it. I’m still not sure… and that’s ok.

msjadore

I blame my parents.

I blame them that I am 31 years old and do not have a REAL belief in God or even in there not being one.  I was born into a Catholic family…I was also the 4th child.  My sisters went to Catholic school but maybe by the time I came along it was “whatever”…so my siblings have that foundation.  I don’t.  I’ve never read the bible.

Baptism.  I’m 5 months old.  I get baptized into a Catholic church…I have pictures to confirm this.  My parents made this decision for me.  I think it’s weird.  I was washed from my sins but honestly what sins did I commit?  Spit up my milk or had a projectile bowel movement? Ok ok, I’m not that ignorant…maybe it’s the “possible” sins I came to be.  Was I a child of a rape, incest or a bastard child… I wasn’t…

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