Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do. I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long. But let me explain – please. Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate. And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.
In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me. Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness. I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that. I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.
DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day. Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving. I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did. I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow. My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked. So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated. Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before. I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.
ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse. I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc… Well again I apologize, I get it now. I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful. I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die. Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.
FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this. Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me. I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again. There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.
So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are. Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing. The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.
People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity. When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people. I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy. I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.
Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics
XX, JC
