M.

A sacred commitment to someone else; giving yourself to this person, trusting this person, having faith in this person.. the list goes on and then another list comes including effort, perseverance, discipline, sacrifice, loyalty, respect, selflessness. Then all of the above has to sit on top of a foundation that is filled with love, faith and hope.

Fuck.

I’ll preface this with saying I’m just talking my shit… I am old and no I’m not married and no I haven’t even been engaged.  Proposed to, I guess but that’s another story.  Oh and while we are getting to know me; no, I don’t have a degree in psychology, sociology or anything like that, I’m just writing down my thoughts for myself and you because you are here on the second paragraph so why not keep reading?

Marriage has never been a goal of mine. I was never that girl who dreamed of the day.  I know what you’re asking yourself right now so I’ll answer by saying, no my parents didn’t give me the example of a great marriage but others around me did and still are great examples of a solid ass marriage. I still don’t think it’s meant for me and it’s because it’s not necessary.  Now I’ll just start ranting, I don’t apologize.

Marriage is happening because someone said that is what was supposed to happen. Marriage doesn’t automatically make the love stronger, more meaningful or any other shit that society has made us think. Let’s be honest with ourselves – when seeing someone that is married you may automatically see them as more stable and responsible, right?  As fucked up as it is, most people are guilty of this. For some reason, society told us that being in a relationship, particularly marriage, is the norm and how this life of ours is supposed to be. Almost as a requirement to be looked at as a functional person therefore it is something that we are all told to desire. Hurry go run and tell everyone it’s okay not to desire marriage. Maybe you want a partnership, companionship without the M. While you’re out there telling them that, also tell them they are complete without it although you’ll be told there is no way.

Marriage doesn’t complete a person.  My god, please do not go into it looking for this other person to complete you, it is bound to end.  That is a lot of pressure to give to your spouse, do they even know the expectations you’ve put in their hands?  And remember expectations are never a good idea when it comes to another person doing for you.  Bottom line, make sure marriage is what you WANT and not need. You don’t need it to have a baby, a house or to look good for society. You can do all that without it and shit people would probably respect you more for doing it “out of the norm” and shhhh they’ll also be envying the fuck out of you.

Let me see how else I can put it – we all go to work and if we are the majority of the job field we are doing work out of obligation. Obligation to pay the bills, have a roof over our heads and something to drive; but an obligation none the least. Is marriage the same for you? An obligation? I know I would hate for my spouse to ever feel I’m there as an obligation to them. I want to be there because I want to be there, not because they NEED me there, not because we have kids. As a child of home that saw a messed up marriage – it does NOTHING for us if the two people aren’t happy and yes kids know at a young age what happy looks like.

Let’s think about it this way too… Two individuals with two separate minds and two separate emotions are to come together.  After time, emotions begin to wander. It’s not a bad thing, in fact it’s normal.  Life around us changes so why wouldn’t our emotions change. Maybe its kids, work stress, finance, health or a messy combo of all these things together.  Whatever it may be, its life and there may be something or someone else that requires your attention and maybe even your emotions. Of course these things are still with your spouse but now they are in other places now. What now?

I’ve stood next to two of my best friends on their wedding day with the thinking how great that they have gotten to this stage; but it is just a stage. We can all be pushed into stages, but unless you’re mentally prepared to go to the next stage and keep going through the different stages… it will fail. And yes, I get – there is also a stage that I’m guessing will be when I’m in my 50s or 60s that I wouldn’t want to be alone – where I would crave a companion because shit someone needs to open that jar of olives. Just kidding, a little – but yes, it’ll be nice to have someone at that age, definitely.

I want to make it clear – I’m not against marriage and can definitely respect those that do it for the right reasons but more respect will be given to those that STAY in it for the right reasons. And no I’m not saying let’s bring all these kids into the world without a marriage – I can agree that marriage is the most stable/secure environment to start a family but it doesn’t mean that the stability & the security will remain. That takes work. But to work on something you have to want it in your core along with having the energy to work on it. Oh and another for those doing it to have a kid – guess what, years down the line, when you do have the kids & they become more independent… you’ll be filled with disdain & disappointment in your life. Yes you’ll have kids to show for them but what happened to YOU?

So will I ever change my views – I’m sure but I would need one thing… PEACE.

From the moment we meet there is a recognition. No violins, halos… just comfort, just peace. Is that asking for a lot? Maybe but its what I want.

XO -JC

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Cheating

I’ve done it..we all likely have at sometime in our life.  A small fib on your resume, a look over at someone’s test, skipping numbers during ab exercising.  But lets get real when we hear the word “cheating” we automatically think of on a spouse.

This I’ve never done. At least not by my definition of cheating. So why not?

1- Cheating is an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a human being. A human being that you’ve shared your time with, that you’ve shared intimacy with and maybe even your family.

2- Cheating will make me lose love not just from my spouse but for myself too. The shame and the guilt would consume me.

3- Faithfulness is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

4- I do not lack self control, discipline or commitment.

As I’ve said before, I’ve had extreme luck in my past relationships; yes even the one where I was cheated on. What it comes down to is that I CHOSE to be with this person. So who am I really cheating… My own choice, that’s who.

So all of the above is why I’ve never cheated. Its because even on the worst days, when a connection feels frayed & our rhythms are off. I dig as to why. Then, when I know the why I figure if it’s worth us working through it or is the connection and rhythm off because -this person just isn’t for me. Then guess what, your decision to stay with that person easily comes to you.

If I stay…I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change EVERYTHING and likely for forever and that’s not what I want.

Respect your choices and the people that fall under those choices.

xo- JC