That One Question

Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.

What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?

My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.

I now know why this question, a question that never effected me before but this time shook me as it did. I mean hello I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understood why I CHOOSE to put in on the back-burner for so long.

I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was may fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?

Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?

I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.

XOXO, JC

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I Picked A Few Times

How amazing is it that we get to pick the people we allow into our life? Let me tell you about a few of my choices….

I picked you because it was safe.  I knew you would never hurt me with lies, other women, you would never hurt me with hands or words.  You opened doors, complimented genuinely, brushed the hair off my face and most importantly, offered me the last bite of your food… most of the times.

I picked you because simply, I couldn’t do anything but think about you. Me someone who hates anything to do with numbers would count the hours until I’d see you again.  you made this lazy woman feel energized, excited and loved.  Even had me thinking of the future.

I picked you because there was none of that unnecessary and unsettling drama. You had this ability to balance me, give me order and calm me.
I picked you because it was just real, no stay up all night conversations about our fantasy life together, no butterflies. ..just real.

I picked you because you refused to let me be reticent. Wanting to hear me talk about the my favorite soap opera (General Hospital), work woes, food. No need for religion or politics…just wanted me to talk about anything.

Sounds great, right? But something was still missing; been lucky to have all these…but not quite lucky enough to have them all in one person.
Is it even tangible?

XO -JC