Why I don’t follow my boyfriend on social media.

Social media is how we met but I refuse to let it be why we end.

Social media has taken over many of our lives, yes I can admit it, even mine.  I’ve taken time away from it, I’ve deleted it but I always come back to it.  Why? 

Is it because everyone is doing it; telling us about their lives, letting us view their intimate photos, etc.  Or is it because it gives us the attention that many of us seek.  Or is it because it makes you forget about your own reality a bit?

My answer as to why..is all of the above.  but mostly the last one. My job is stressful…so yes I want to get lost in someone else’s problems, rant, life…for a few minutes, every now and then.

Tweet Tweet
Something you want to vent about but maybe not to anyone you know…tweet it. 140 or less characters out into the universe, sounds great to an introvert like me. My first go at twitter was fun, it was ratchet, unfiltered; much like my alter ego was let loose. 600+ followers including some famous ones.
I deleted it. For him, I know how “basic chick” of me but you know what oh well…he hated how I was on there, the things I’d share and discussions I’d partake in. I understood it as a taken women I shouldn’t tweet certain things where someone can assume. But we also weren’t at the place in our relationship, where I was confident in the relationship, to change how I tweeted. I saw it way to often on the feed and even ridiculed it myself.
I went over a year without it. I’m back now…doing it a bit different this time around. Not caring about the number of followers, or being part of the crowd. I now follow motivators, feminists, bloggers, comedians, news. I’ll admit not as “entertaining” but I still love to tweet my thoughts out into the universe with no feedback and if I do get feedback, it’s from strangers that I could care less about.

Facebook
Simple. It started this whole thing. Whether its rekindling friendships from middle school or keeping in the loop with friends and family in other states/countries, we all have a facebook. Even our parents and grandparents. It’s the easiest way to show people that you are okay, this is my child, my dog, etc.
You post a status update and you do want feedback or even a call/text… facebook.

Instagram
Following someones life in pictures only. Beyond dope. I mean really, its so cool to me and not to forget obsessed with the filters.

So now you know my insight on the different outlets, lets go back to the title…why I don’t follow him on social media?

I’m a complimenter, I always have been. I want to be a person that makes someone feel good about themselves. And guess what, I didn’t go blind because I have a boyfriend. I appreciate the hell out of people but we all have our moments of weakness, sensitivity, curiousness…me included. And its during those down moments that I don’t want to see the pictures that he “likes” and vice versa. I’m sure you all think I’m jealous or weak minded but I know I’m not. I’m not going to open the door for doubt though, that’s called stupidity.

Relationship has been going on 2 years now, communication has begun to lag here and there like most this far along. I don’t want to assume what that update or tweet meant or if it was a “sub” at me because we happen to be in a argument or whatever. Because of that, I don’t want to see his status updates. We can talk about each others day at the end of the day when we are sitting on the couch or lying in bed.

I know what yall are thinking.. what does “he” think about all this. He disagrees with my reasons and if it was up to him would follow me on all of them. Guess what “it’s ok to disagree”.

Simply put -we can share what we want to share… and guess what it doesn’t have to be every little thing that crossed our mind throughout the day or our selfies.

I feel my relationship is healthier for it. But as pops would say…. TO EACH THEIR OWN.

XO -JC

Advertisements

Social networks & our attention spans…

Social networks…shorten our attention spans. Yay or nay?

I can see why many would say yes, especially when it comes to me. But at the same time it depends on attention from what? Work, Love, Family?

Personally, I am a twitter-addict. I am aware and am not in denial.

My job is stressful; I negotiate with attorney’s, I speak to irate policyholders and medical providers. So yes, if I get off the phone from these kind of calls -I will get on twitter for release; for entertainment and a change of subject. But my job is my job, it will get done. So shorten my attention span for work, no. It does let me escape for a little but I’m right back to it.

Love..ask my current and he’ll say yes. He hates social networking BUT is on it himself but I guess not as often as me. I will release some tension from our relationship on there. Not to put people in our business because if they want to assume that is fine with me and their error not mine. Now can social networking assist me in ignoring/avoiding HECK YES but what’s wrong with that? I don’t see a problem with it. Reading other people’s problems make you realize yours aren’t that bad. Sounds horrible. I know.

Family..yes. I am constantly on my phone during family time. LOL, social networking is necessary for …
Sanity -SIMPLE AS THAT.

JC

My Best

I’ve done my best. I have no doubt in that. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I was always there even if it was in a different way you wanted or a different way than you are used to…I was there.

You asked me to fight like I never had before…I did.
Even when my gut, my intuition told me to stay closed…I opened up.
The future. Yeah you made me think about it…fuck, even had me considering it.
Trust…I gave you it.
Family…was shared with you.
My body…was yours, every inch.

Just because someone doesn’t love you like you want, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you the best way they can

I love you without knowing how, when or even why. I know myself, I gave my best. My best…has come

but it also has gone.

xo – JC

Expectations…the enemy.

1. With no expectation there is no disappointment.
2. Love without demanding anything in return.

ACT WITH NO EXPECTATION.
Sounds so simple and so peaceful. What’s that saying? Expectation is the root of all heartbreak?

Ain’t that the truth…it’s a lesson I’ve learned. I like to think I’m over this; I don’t put many expectations on any situation or person. I live for the moment and don’t think about it in the future. I don’t expect much from anything or anyone. It’s pretty dope I’d say but to those in my life, it’s also a flaw.

How did I get here? I filled myself with love for myself therefore having more than enough to give with not requesting it back; I give you my love with no expectations. I would think this would be great for y’all..I’m easy to have in your life but it’s not for some. They need more from me, they want me to think deeper. I don’t want to. Fall back.

Three relationships in my life:
Friendships: There is about a group of 6 of us that have been friends since middle school. We all have love for each other that extends to our families and now children. But I don’t expect them to do things that you would think true friends do…for example, a relationship with my daughter. I could say two of these have that and only because those two are married and one is a mother now also. Did they come when I was psycho new mom and visit us and spend hours confined to my home with a infant, no. Did they offer to babysit for a date night, no. I don’t think that means they are bad friends or our friendship is lacking. I’m more logical than that. I just feel that they didn’t know how to handle it being I was the first that did become a mom or that we are all busy. I expect nothing from them but know that if ever needed; they will be there.

Family: I expect nothing at all from them. Do I expect them to always be there for me…I guess will I ever test that, no. Love my family dearly but we are so different; so many different dynamics that I rather not have figure out. I’m too busy for that.

Lovers: I live for the moment..I wasn’t always like that. I put expectations on one and that is my daughter’s father. That failed. I won’t do it again. Simply said. I go for the present feelings, the present emotions, the present experiences. I don’t expect anything past that. Unless you make me think that far…then well, I don’t know what I’ll do.

So think it a flaw but I think it’s rather dope.

What do y’all think?

xo, JC

Beliefs…

I blame my parents.

I blame them that I am 31 years old and do not have a REAL belief in God or even in there not being one.  I was born into a Catholic family…I was also the 4th child.  My sisters went to Catholic school but maybe by the time I came along it was “whatever”…so my siblings have that foundation.  I don’t.  I’ve never read the bible.

Baptism.  I’m 5 months old.  I get baptized into a Catholic church…I have pictures to confirm this.  My parents made this decision for me.  I think it’s weird.  I was washed from my sins but honestly what sins did I commit?  Spit up my milk or had a projectile bowel movement? Ok ok, I’m not that ignorant…maybe it’s the “possible” sins I came to be.  Was I a child of a rape, incest or a bastard child… I wasn’t.  So what sins were washed away?  This is when I actually go to other religions….  They wait until the child is older, they let the child make the decision –you should be baptized when you can sincerely repent of your sinful nature and have faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour, the Giver of the Holy Spirit and the new birth or even baptized into a organization.

Fast forward…Communion.  I’m 8 years old.  My parents put me and my brother, who is 11 into communion class.  We do this, we finish it, we have our ceremony.  I don’t remember anything I learned in those mandatory classes.  I assume we read pieces of the bible, I assume they were interpreted for us.  I assume I had a test…again I don’t remember.  This is to be when the child is at the age of reason or able to know when right or wrong.  I could research the real purpose of a communion but so can you.  Maybe it was because my parents didn’t want to leave us in the pew as they went up for the communion (bread and wine).  Haha.  Again I’m kidding with the ignorance.

Fast forward…today, 31 years old.  Never confirmed in the Catholic Church…so I haven’t been given the courage to practice my faith; that’s what that ceremony was to do.  I say, good decision.  Because I don’t know what I believe.

Last time I went to church on my own sans an occasion of a wedding or baptism was a very long time ago… I can’t even remember to be honest.  I’ve never gone and confessed my sins as we are told to and yes, I have sinned a lot of times and will likely continue to sin.

So.  I’m not an atheist…I don’t think.  I just don’t know enough.   Marriage is sacred they say…you speak these vows in a church and “he” is listening.   Bullshit.  Sorry, just how I feel….doesn’t he have more important things to listen to?

I’m told to read the bible, I began but it’s not really telling you what to believe, it’s just stories.  So do I interpret them on my own & then pick a religion that agrees with me?  Maybe I don’t have to pick a religion and can just have my own beliefs, my own relationship with the higher being…

Let’s start with me reading the bible.  Wish me luck.

xoxo,  JC

What If

I know I’m not the only one that runs these ‘what if’ scenarios in my head.  We were all taught, trained, hypnotized to almost not think of this…we get the “No regrets, you learned a lesson” or “It just wasn’t meant to be” or even “God knows what he’s doing”.  I get it…BUT

what if…….

What if I had stayed with JJ’s dad…..I’d be susie homemaker.  I liked that shit though when we played house the first time around.  I’d be the cute lil family of 3, no one can tell us anything.  I’d also be resentful, jealous, neurotic…etc.  1 word: Unhealthy.

What if I would have moved to Atlanta as planned.  Lord I don’t know.  I’m sure I’d love it, I love it there everytime I go -the culture, music, mix of people, the scenery, weather changes.  I’m sure I’d fallen in love and who knows maybe be prego or even on my 2nd… 1 word: Dope

What if the man who grabbed, chased & then slapped me at the park that night..hadn’t ran away.  Yo this one is scary as hell.  Would I have gotten raped? Killed?  This happened summer of 2004.  I was young. I don’t even know what I could say… 1 word: Fuck

What if I have stayed with my latest ex…I’d be miserable….simple enough. 1 word: Miserable

Oh a fun one.

What if I won the lotto…pee in my pants then clean that up. Jump up and down doing body rolls & pelvic thrusts then stopping all that. Okay serious, I’d travel the world, I buy off my family’s homes, I’d build my dream house with the help of my pinterest boards, I’d do charity work with the poor in the US & DR first. I’d invest, open a business in party planning… 1 word: Rich

What if I didn’t have my daughter…I got shivers just thinking about it.  I can’t even imagine my life without her.  Before her, I was already done with the “night” scene.  I assume I’d be in a relationship or working so hard I don’t have time for one (me now).  She has made me see the world so differently, she has made me realize so much (I’m a big asshole)…man I hate to even think but what if…. 1 word: Unknown

What if….

-JIC

Soooooooo Family Time, huh….

FAMILY . Do I love them yes…is it because I have to…probably.  

I have an obsession with my pops.  He’s cool as shit and much like me with the “not a big deal”, “better you than me” & “keep it honest” approach to living.  I don’t have daddy issues one bit but I’m sure some of my ex’s wish I did.  

Are my parents together, no. They divorced when I was 22 and not in a nice way either.  Pops had another life in DR (Dominican Republic) that no one knew.   Do I hate him for it, no.  I miss him though…terribly.  I even have a little sister now who’s 7, crazy!  I saw him for the first time after he left about 4 years later and was nervous, thought I was going to be mad, hurt…I was just HAPPY. Plain and simple. Just happy. Told you, I’m obsessed.

I am who I am because of my dad. Plain & simple.

Mom is special.  She’s not typical.  There isn’t a way she can be.  She got married to my dad at 17 because that’s how it was to be.  My dad was a player from the get; he was a businessman with grocery stores, etc in New York.  She never had to work; she got everything she ever wanted, including nannies.  Then shit just blew up after daddy did some dirty things that could have gotten his head chopped but we moved before that could happen.  Do I hate him now, nope.

Mom was forced to get a job for the first time in her 30s plus raise 4 kids by herself in a state that she knew no one.  Mom holds a lot of resentment and I don’t want to ever do that.   I love her but I don’t want to be like her and I think she’s okay with that.

My oldest sister…much like my mom although neither of them would agree.  She’s independent, strong, hard worker but not tactful.  Not much else to say.

My 2nd oldest sister…I feel like I’m her older sister.  Adorable, innocent and the sweetest thing.  Been with same guy since she was 16 (poor girl).  I just got her into stiletto’s like 2 years ago along with a better marriage. Haha.  She’s probably my favorite.  

My brother…ROCKS!  A lil bit of an exaggerator aka liar but it’s almost endearing because he does it out of insecurity so you can’t even be mad at him.  I love him much and wish he was right around the corner.  He got married and told no one.  That’s hot to me even though she’s PuertoRican.

-xxoo JIC