Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

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Expectations…the enemy.

1. With no expectation there is no disappointment.
2. Love without demanding anything in return.

ACT WITH NO EXPECTATION.
Sounds so simple and so peaceful. What’s that saying? Expectation is the root of all heartbreak?

Ain’t that the truth…it’s a lesson I’ve learned. I like to think I’m over this; I don’t put many expectations on any situation or person. I live for the moment and don’t think about it in the future. I don’t expect much from anything or anyone. It’s pretty dope I’d say but to those in my life, it’s also a flaw.

How did I get here? I filled myself with love for myself therefore having more than enough to give with not requesting it back; I give you my love with no expectations. I would think this would be great for y’all..I’m easy to have in your life but it’s not for some. They need more from me, they want me to think deeper. I don’t want to. Fall back.

Three relationships in my life:
Friendships: There is about a group of 6 of us that have been friends since middle school. We all have love for each other that extends to our families and now children. But I don’t expect them to do things that you would think true friends do…for example, a relationship with my daughter. I could say two of these have that and only because those two are married and one is a mother now also. Did they come when I was psycho new mom and visit us and spend hours confined to my home with a infant, no. Did they offer to babysit for a date night, no. I don’t think that means they are bad friends or our friendship is lacking. I’m more logical than that. I just feel that they didn’t know how to handle it being I was the first that did become a mom or that we are all busy. I expect nothing from them but know that if ever needed; they will be there.

Family: I expect nothing at all from them. Do I expect them to always be there for me…I guess will I ever test that, no. Love my family dearly but we are so different; so many different dynamics that I rather not have figure out. I’m too busy for that.

Lovers: I live for the moment..I wasn’t always like that. I put expectations on one and that is my daughter’s father. That failed. I won’t do it again. Simply said. I go for the present feelings, the present emotions, the present experiences. I don’t expect anything past that. Unless you make me think that far…then well, I don’t know what I’ll do.

So think it a flaw but I think it’s rather dope.

What do y’all think?

xo, JC