That One Question

Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.

What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?

My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.

I now know why this question, a question that never affected me before but this time shook me as it did. I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understand why I CHOOSE to put it in on the back-burner for so long.

I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was my fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?

Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?

I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.

XOXO, JC

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Expectations…the enemy.

ACT WITH NO EXPECTATION.
Sounds so simple and so peaceful. What’s that saying? Expectation is the root of all heartbreak?

Ain’t that the truth…it’s a lesson I’ve learned. I like to think I’m over this; I don’t put many expectations on any situation or person. I live for the moment and don’t think about it in the future. I don’t expect much from anything or anyone. It’s pretty dope I’d say but to those in my life, it’s also a flaw.

How did I get here? I filled myself with love for myself therefore having more than enough to give with not requesting it back; I give you my love with no expectations. I would think this would be great for y’all..I’m easy to have in your life but it’s not for some. They need more from me, they want me to think deeper. I don’t want to. Fall back.

1. With no expectation there is no disappointment.
2. Love without demanding anything in return

Three relationships in my life:
Friendships: There is about a group of 6 of us that have been friends since middle school. We all have love for each other that extends to our families and now children. But I don’t expect them to do things that you would think true friends do…for example, a relationship with my daughter. I could say two of these have that and only because those two are married and one is a mother now also. Did they come when I was psycho new mom and visit us and spend hours confined to my home with a infant, no. Did they offer to babysit for a date night, no. I don’t think that means they are bad friends or our friendship is lacking. I’m more logical than that. I just feel that they didn’t know how to handle it being I was the first that did become a mom or that we are all busy. I expect nothing from them but know that if ever needed; they will be there.

Family: I expect nothing at all from them. Do I expect them to always be there for me…I guess will I ever test that, no. Love my family dearly but we are so different; so many different dynamics that I rather not have figure out. I’m too busy for that.

Lovers: I live for the moment..I wasn’t always like that. I put expectations on one and that is my daughter’s father. That failed. I won’t do it again. Simply said. I go for the present feelings, the present emotions, the present experiences. I don’t expect anything past that. Unless you make me think that far…then well, I don’t know what I’ll do.

So think it a flaw but I think it’s rather dope.

What do y’all think?

xo, JC