Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

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2016

Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do.  I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long.  But let me explain – please.  Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate.  And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.

In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me.  Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness.  I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that.  I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.

DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day.  Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving.  I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did.  I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow.  My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked.  So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated.  Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before.  I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.

ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse.  I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc…  Well again I apologize, I get it now.  I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful.  I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die.  Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.

FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this.  Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me.  I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again.  There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.

So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are.  Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing.  The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.

People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity.   When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people.   I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy.   I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.

Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics

 

XX, JC

A Broken Heart

Alone. Humiliated. Shocked. Scared. Disgusted. Betrayed. Uncontrollable.

Imagine feeling these emotions and then your body begins giving up on you…. groaning with pain, so nauseaus that you are gagging even actually vomiting, have so many tears you are certain you are going to die of dehydration, legs so weak that you are holding onto the wall or counter for support, walking around with little to no sleep.

I mean shit, how much can one person withstand.

Doesn’t matter what brought you here, a lost of a soul, a job..whatever it may be. You are heartbroken; literally feel your heart breaking and wishing that you had the ability to reach inside your chest and just hold it.

You guys this is a serious condition even spoken of by The American Heart Association. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#mainContent

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

You know what though relish in this feeling. This means that you are alive; you genuinely loved someone else. You got to a place where many can’t. Relish in this.

So now what?

Know that we can not control what happens, but we can control what you do with it. Yes you can keep busy, but what you need to do is use your optimism.

❤Remember, you are never completely alone, as long as you are true to the person in the mirror.

❤Know that you will come out of this stronger & wiser.

❤Remember, you will get over it. Happiness will come, it just takes strength, a lil selfishness and patience.

❤Remember it’s okay to not forget. Like a sprained foot, it’s healed & you can walk but when the weather is cold or the thunderstorm arrives; you feel it again.. temporarily.

After all, a broken heart is treatable.

XO -JC