Hiding, Changing or Whatever

First, let’s paint the picture…five girls sitting around the dinner table, friends for over 20 years.  It had been about five months since we last all got together so of course the mama bear of the group asked the question to all of us – “so what’s new with you”.  I purposely moved by position to look at each of them one by one and let them answer while still drinking and hoping one of their stories was so good that it would take over the conversation for the night, and it did.

Now had that not happened and I had to answer the question, I knew what I would say because I practiced it while I drove to the restaurant and also while the other girls were answering.  My answer was going to be “nothing much you know, same old same – work, sleep, mom and repeat”; but what I should say is “nothing new at all, I am stuck in the same rut for the 3rd year and it’s not okay and I need help to get out of it”.  But I put the coward hat on, yet again.  Yup, I called myself a coward – that’s self awareness, isn’t it?  Do I get points for that at least?  Serious though – I’m a coward because I am not being truthful; I am not telling them I have changed.  Instead I am turning on my switch, putting on mask and going back to the old happy, go lucky, nothing can stress me persona – when that is so far from the truth.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear and now I understand that it could change a person; there are parts of me that have expired.  I know, maybe that is not a bad thing – maybe I’ll evolve and shit and turn into a even better person, but for now, I don’t like it.  I want go back to being the woman that went into a conversation genuinely interested in understanding the other person, the woman that just was happy waking up every morning, living each day to the fullest day by day.

Instead, the new me is waiting until I can go home and take a shower and lay in bed – get sucked into hours of Netflix or reading a book.  It takes work and I’m not ready for that – call it cowardly, that’s fine.  I called myself that earlier, remember.  I am not ready to work on something because you know what, it isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair that I was changed – it wasn’t my choice. myself.

xx, JC

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I Picked A Few Times

How amazing is it that we get to pick the people we allow into our life? Let me tell you about a few of my choices….

I picked you because it was safe.  I knew you would never hurt me with lies, other women, you would never hurt me with hands or words.  You opened doors, complimented genuinely, brushed the hair off my face and most importantly, offered me the last bite of your food… most of the times.

I picked you because simply, I couldn’t do anything but think about you. Me someone who hates anything to do with numbers would count the hours until I’d see you again.  you made this lazy woman feel energized, excited and loved.  Even had me thinking of the future.

I picked you because there was none of that unnecessary and unsettling drama. You had this ability to balance me, give me order and calm me.
I picked you because it was just real, no stay up all night conversations about our fantasy life together, no butterflies. ..just real.

I picked you because you refused to let me be reticent. Wanting to hear me talk about the my favorite soap opera (General Hospital), work woes, food. No need for religion or politics…just wanted me to talk about anything.

Sounds great, right? But something was still missing; been lucky to have all these…but not quite lucky enough to have them all in one person.
Is it even tangible?

XO -JC

Trust

TRUST is scarce. It’s one of the few things that takes merely seconds to break.

So what does trust consist of. I’d say credibility, reliability, respect, loyalty & of course honesty.

Let’s have some fun with this. What if I said some spouses are more satisfied with your phone password than an engagement. Sounds harsh but sad thing its a reality.  As much as I’d like to believe this can’t be true…I sadly think it is. Not sure if it’s how much relationships have changed throughout time or what but it’s sad.

Women always seemed to be the ones with the trust issues…because men are men, right? Men can help it, they say? Men are weak..only a few can turn down temptation. Men are insecure. Men also seem to need more out of the house time then us..whatever it is they do. Women are okay being home; or is this just me and my friends? It’s just easier for men to cheat. Those are some things I’ve heard.

But guess what..men are not trusting in excess. This surprises me. I’ve never even thought that was an issue with them. At first thought I’d say it’s likely because the woman was hurt and now has turned bitter or into an opportunist instead of a head over heels in love woman. Or maybe because women aren’t in NEED of a man anymore it’s more of a WANT. Men want to me needed; they need to be needed. Daddy taught me that. (I suck at showing this by the way)
Or maybe it’s likely because the man has been hurt before. NEWS RELEASE: Women cheat too. Sad but true.

So now trust has been broken; now what?

Forgiving someone is easy. But being able to trust them again is a totally different story. Examine this before you decide to keep them…remember you can forgive someone and still not have them in your life. It’s okay. It doesn’t make you less than a person, in fact it’s pretty damn admirable of you to recognize that and let them go.

Oh & trust no one.

JC