I recently had a conversation with some one that triggered a memory of one of the most hurtful things someone has told me.
“This whole relationship was a waste of time”
I know what you’re thinking, if that was one of the most hurtful things, she’s heard after a relationship ended, she’s a lucky gal. Maybe hurtful isn’t the right word but it’s definitely one of the things that has stuck with me; it stung then and stings now all over again. It can’t be that just because a relationship, shit even a friendship ends or the dynamics of it change, that those moments were wasted. Right?
Being the devil’s advocate that I am I also think to myself “everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their own experience”, but I also am entitled to do the same, so here I am.
Believe me, I get the “time is the most valuable gift you can give someone” and the “it’s a piece of your life that you can never get back” arguments. My take on it is, did this person not give you some kind of value even for just a moment during your time together? Did you not learn something even if it’s what you don’t want or won’t again allow? I can’t understand how time spent with someone you love and care for could ever be called wasted. Yes, even when you are no longer spending time with that person. Time is filled with moments that happen, whether moments you enjoyed or not -they are moments. If we’re lucky these moments could have assisted in defining you or gave you the want/motivation to create more moments. Isn’t that what we are here for, to create moments?
I think I’d be okay with the sentiment of being a waste of someone’s time if maybe I wasn’t honest and open with that person from the beginning, as to what this will be and then continuously update it as our time together continued. For example, I’m not looking to get married and I tell this person that and they decide to continue in a relationship with me. Let’s fast forward to a year and that changes for me; I will then have the duty to update that person and say, so I do want marriage -where are you with it now? Isn’t it that simple?
Let’s maybe lean on retrospect and hindsight on this. Retrospect is looking back at the past while hindsight is looking back at the past but with understanding of the why or realizing the lessons from it. We need to do that more, we need to think of our past as moments that led to who we are now. The catch with retrospect and hindsight is that they are both a perception, so wouldn’t the issue be with that person defining THEIR time as wasted. Isn’t the issue with them and not you?
I’m voting a yes.