Hiding, Changing or Whatever

First, let’s paint the picture…five girls sitting around the dinner table, friends for over 20 years.  It had been about five months since we last all got together so of course the mama bear of the group asked the question to all of us – “so what’s new with you”.  I purposely moved by position to look at each of them one by one and let them answer while still drinking and hoping one of their stories was so good that it would take over the conversation for the night, and it did.

Now had that not happened and I had to answer the question, I knew what I would say because I practiced it while I drove to the restaurant and also while the other girls were answering.  My answer was going to be “nothing much you know, same old same – work, sleep, mom and repeat”; but what I should say is “nothing new at all, I am stuck in the same rut for the 3rd year and it’s not okay and I need help to get out of it”.  But I put the coward hat on, yet again.  Yup, I called myself a coward – that’s self awareness, isn’t it?  Do I get points for that at least?  Serious though – I’m a coward because I am not being truthful; I am not telling them I have changed.  Instead I am turning on my switch, putting on mask and going back to the old happy, go lucky, nothing can stress me persona – when that is so far from the truth.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear and now I understand that it could change a person; there are parts of me that have expired.  I know, maybe that is not a bad thing – maybe I’ll evolve and shit and turn into a even better person, but for now, I don’t like it.  I want go back to being the woman that went into a conversation genuinely interested in understanding the other person, the woman that just was happy waking up every morning, living each day to the fullest day by day.

Instead, the new me is waiting until I can go home and take a shower and lay in bed – get sucked into hours of Netflix or reading a book.  It takes work and I’m not ready for that – call it cowardly, that’s fine.  I called myself that earlier, remember.  I am not ready to work on something because you know what, it isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair that I was changed – it wasn’t my choice. myself.

xx, JC

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Cheating

I’ve done it..we all likely have at sometime in our life.  A small fib on your resume, a look over at someone’s test, skipping numbers during ab exercising.  But lets get real when we hear the word “cheating” we automatically think of on a spouse.

This I’ve never done. At least not by my definition of cheating. So why not?

1- Cheating is an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a human being. A human being that you’ve shared your time with, that you’ve shared intimacy with and maybe even your family.

2- Cheating will make me lose love not just from my spouse but for myself too. The shame and the guilt would consume me.

3- Faithfulness is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

4- I do not lack self control, discipline or commitment.

As I’ve said before, I’ve had extreme luck in my past relationships; yes even the one where I was cheated on. What it comes down to is that I CHOSE to be with this person. So who am I really cheating… My own choice, that’s who.

So all of the above is why I’ve never cheated. Its because even on the worst days, when a connection feels frayed & our rhythms are off. I dig as to why. Then, when I know the why I figure if it’s worth us working through it or is the connection and rhythm off because -this person just isn’t for me. Then guess what, your decision to stay with that person easily comes to you.

If I stay…I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change EVERYTHING and likely for forever and that’s not what I want.

Respect your choices and the people that fall under those choices.

xo- JC

Delightfully Chaotic

The title says it all… that’s how I would probably describe myself. Take it how you want it. No need to be humble or scared of the word chaotic.

I say DELIGHTFULLY because I’m fun to be with. I am always laughing, giving out compliments, breaking out in dance, try to understand instead of judge, I LOVE to eat, I have simple needs.

CHAOTIC comes because inside I could be a mess…sad, angry, etc but a lot of yous wouldn’t see that. I keep so much pain inside myself, the anger, the loneliness all of the things that cause pain. Why? I wish I knew…is it because I feel like I deserve the pain? That’s possible. But why would I think I deserve pain. Have I caused pain to people without knowing? But I remain DELIGHTFUL. LOL – Lord… let me stop.

I keep that negativity inside for the most part, unless I’m super close to you then it would come out. So am I “faking” … I say no I’m just choosing to push the negativity aside and move on.

Things change…the key is to keep myself together until they do.

Remember you choose your thoughts.

There isn’t much we can control in life and your thoughts is one of the most important ones that you can. Control your mind… that’s the goal, not sure if I’ll ever reach that goal but I will continue to try.

So I’m 32 years old and delightfully chaotic. I’m okay with this.

XO – JC