That Person

A person that has such a richness in their soul that your soul feeds off it like a damn buffet that even though you are full – you keep going back A person that at times can feel like a massage to your soul, your heart and even deeper than a massage with a happy ending by just speaking to this person. A person that exudes such positive vibes and energy that it literally fills you and makes you not only want to be better but to also learn about yourself with nothing but self care and love.  A person that can understand you, when you don’t even understand yourself. A person who can differ so much from you but respect your individual path.

Imagine being so comfortable with someone that you expose the shit that is in your heart, in your mind without a second thought because you know there will be no judgment to follow. Sounds reckless but beautiful at the same time. When you can do this your inner voice (that we are taught to suppress) is now free to express opinions, raw thoughts with no filter on them because your ego is now free.

Back to this person; they’ve changed you and now will always be with you from here on out helping you make decisions without you even realizing that their influence is in you.

There is a clear you before this person and a you after this person.

Changing your mind on how you were raised, how society molded you… shit feels like I owe this person a lot but they wouldn’t even take anything if you tried – yeah, that’s how different this person is. Now I’m not saying this person has their own shit together – they may not or they may or they may live life completely different than you but like I said earlier … individual paths are respected.

Shit sounds bananas, right? Like how can I have gone this many years and not had this or even will I ever have it? It happens and not always where you expect it – could be a friend, a lover, a therapist – could be someone that you’ve already met but they never knew they could open this to you. This person is something to be grateful for.

xx – JC

Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

Words

The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. Well shit, ain’t this the truth. Words are so powerful.

Simply put, words are game changers because once said they can be forgiven but never forgotten.

Words can impact people in many places…the soul, the heart, the mind and not just on the surface of each but into the extreme core of these places.

Words can create the most incredible feeling, whether incredibly beautiful or incredibly hurtful. We all remember our parents, teachers, family saying:
“Think before you speak”
“If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”

I used to be a strong believer of saying what you think whether negative or positive because holding back will only hurt you in the long run. Now I’m not sure if I agree anymore; maybe some thoughts and some feelings should be left unsaid.

My new rule: IS IT NECESSARY?

Words…. a fruit or a poison, you choose.

xo -JC

NAKED

I know I’m not the only one.  Thinking that that getting “naked” with someone…meant sex, foreplay… that had to mean that I was opening up, that I was letting that person in.

False. That’s too easy. 

Take off your clothes -you do it everyday to get in the shower…EASY.  Have sex -you’ve done it before (most likely) …EASY.

Being naked, truly naked.  Is opening up your soul to someone -including all the things that run through your head, the things that scare the fuck out of you, the things that surprise you when they come to your mind, the things that you pray right after to STOP thinking about.

Sharing your thoughts, fears, wants, dreams, hopes, fantasies….that shit is being NAKED.

I’ve never been naked…I want to be naked.

Seduce my mind & you can have my body. Find my soul & I’m yours forever

xoxo, JC