Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

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This Writing Thing.

I get a lot of emails, texts, calls asking if what I write about are my own experiences.

Short answer, yes.
I don’t have the best memory so there are times when I’m talking to my family or friends, reading a book, or watching a movie that triggers some thing in my memory that relates to my life. Which then gets me to start writing about my experience. I’m proud to admit that because these experiences have made me who I am.

So then once I say yes, I then get asked “what if someone judges you?”

Honestly, I could care less of how I’ll come across. And either way, I hate judgemental people.

So, yes I’m obviously a pretty open person but I am a private person too, believe it or not. You’ll notice with my gaps in writing when I have someone special because I do hold that close.

Also when I write it doesn’t mean I’m going through these things at that exact time. It could of been days, weeks, even months prior. I’ll also tell y’all that I don’t even hit publish on all of the things I write; also some are handwritten in actual journals and meant for my eyes or my daughters eyes when shes of age.

What is dope and unexpected with my writing is when someone tells me that I have helped them get through something or inspired them to become more open. This is the ultimate compliment and surprises me every time. It was never my intention to do anything with my writing but have it as my own release so helping someone is a major bonus.

And for those that may get offended for playing a role in these writings… You should’ve played your role in my life better. Ha!

XO -JC

I

I am raw.

I am hilarious.

I am generous.

I am thoughtful.

I am beautiful.

I am sensitive.

I am emotional.

I am curious.

I am loyal.

I am observant.

I am confident.

I am a hardworker.

I am charming.

I am a risk taker.

I am lonely.

I am positive.

I am worthy of a kind word here and there, sincerity, spontaneous hugs & kisses, a smile from across the room, knowing when to be silent and just be there, when I need you. To be loved from your soul not because of comfort or habit.

I smile through most…you won’t know if I’m deep in hell or on top of the clouds doing belly flops.

I think a lot…so much that at times it seems like I’m not paying attention or caring. But the fact is I’m thinking so much I don’t know how to express it.

I trust from the beginning and then it slowly starts diminishing. Yes I know it’s supposed to be the opposite.

I don’t dwell on tomorrow much, mainly living in the current moment. Most hate that. I love it. Go figure.

I ignore my inner voices…a lot. I’m not even sure what else to say about that *sigh*

I change moods and personalities to protect myself from people but then it intrigues people and they then begin to annoy me.

Everything ain’t for everybody, and neither am I but I heavily fuck with myself and blow my own mind consistently.

Xo- JC

But

I want so badly to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.  I’m lazy, yet I want so much. 

I say I don’t care, but truth is I care too much that I’m embarrassed.  I like attention, but reject it when I get it. 
 
I wouldn’t say I’m depressed because I’m not sad, but I’m not exactly happy either.  I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but leave me alone and it’s almost like my thoughts decide to not like me.
 
I’m constantly seeking, but I’m also running away.  I love you, but I can hate you too.  I create my own storm, but then get pissed when it rains.
 
I am faithful, but detached.  Committed, but relaxed.  Passionate, but platonic.  I want to be the best, but I don’t want to try.
 
 
They say if one understands her/his own self, then that person is an absolute supreme soul.  I don’t know to you, but to me that sounds
like a lot of pressure!  I mean… a SUPREME SOUL, that’s a big deal.
 
 
I. A paradox? Possibly..
 
 
 

 

xo- JC

Value, it’s important.

A noun: the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.

A verb: consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.

Whichever way you define it….it is necessary for our esteem. No not just women, all.

Why did this come to my mind?
I was told recently by someone that I didn’t bring value to their life. Ouch! Yes, a hard ouch, a non stop bleeding ouch, a constant burning ouch. But I did what I usually do… overanalyze the fuck out of why it hurt me so bad. Was it because this was the first time I’ve ever been told that? Was I in shock?
It took me a few days…5 to be exact.

Conclusion: I’m not mad at this person more than I’m mad at myself.

I’ve allowed it to happen, I’ve allowed myself to be bullied or maybe I should say pressured to be less than who I am. I won’t go into why because well that would be me analyzing someone else and I’m in no position to do that.

I do know I’m of value. I’m 100% sure of it.

I value myself so much that I will no longer be anyone but me because then is when others will see my value and eat their own words.

Grrrrrr. Basically just value yourself. There really is no other choice.

If you don’t feel worthy of love, respect, happiness how can someone value you? If you aren’t able to see your own worth, how can you expect that from someone else?

And remember: YOUR VALUE DOESN’T DECREASE BASED ON SOMEONE’S INABILITY TO SEE YOUR WORTH.

Fuck that.

xo -JC