Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to…
Many of us have been cheated on and if you haven’t fuck you. No but seriously, fuck you. Just kidding (not really) but it’s a pain that not even the best painkiller could help with. Your mind can think of nothing else and then enters the horrible questions that you really don’t want to know…
I don’t want to call it celibacy because I feel like that’s a lifestyle choice & that isn’t what I’ve done. I’ve merely not met anyone I wanted to share my flower, my cuca or in layman’s terms my vagina with.
I haven’t had sex since last November…”my vagina has been gone since November and now it might as well be gone till November”…(Wyclef Jean song) get it? Corny. Yes.
If you read my previous blogs, I’m a relationship type girl. My last relationship ended 1 year ago today. I got dumped…for the first time ever. Basically because I couldn’t give him 100% so I don’t consider it a real dump since I kinda gave him no choice. Yup, that’s what I’ll tell myself. Anywho, right after that…like right after…like 2 weeks. Don’t judge me…just don’t. I met a dude with what the young people call today “swag” (I hate that word) & for the first time in my 30 yrs I said F this let’s try a just physical thing. Man. That didn’t work. I just can’t smash and not bring emotions in. Especially for this dude who I wanted to take in and nurse to be a better man…it was doomed. So I gave him my flower before I knew all this OBVIOUSLY. We did the “dating” thing…we did the “smashing” thing. I did the “girl” thing & said I gots to go boo boo, you know before he knew I wanted to fix him. So since then (last November) I haven’t had sex with anyone…just objects.
So am I celibate…I still say that isn’t the right word. I mean by definition that pretty much means I’m abstaining which I’m not -trust me, I want it. I want it BBBAADDD. I just don’t want a relationship right now.. I have proven I can’t smash and walk away easily so since I want to be single…I will not have sex.
Sounds so simple to me.
It’s also quite dope to not NEED sex & to prove that I’m waiting a full year…till November, because why not? I’ve never had a passion…not much goal oriented. So now this has turned into my goal. Now don’t get me wrong…that’s 2 months away, I might meet someone -I might have met someone already & if it happens, it happens but if it doesn’t…I REFRAINED FROM SEX FOR A WHOLE YEAR…& maybe even longer.
We willl see.
First. Yes I know relationshiping is not a word I simply like it. As my bio says I’m single so not sure who I think I am with this ‘rambling’ but I do make notes after each ‘experience’ I’ve had with boys & men. You might read this, laugh, roll your eyes, whatever..because how am…