That One Question

Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.

What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?

My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.

I now know why this question, a question that never effected me before but this time shook me as it did. I mean hello I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understood why I CHOOSE to put in on the back-burner for so long.

I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was may fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?

Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?

I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.

XOXO, JC

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The Questions

Many of us have been cheated on and if you haven’t fuck you. No but seriously, fuck you. Just kidding (not really) but it’s a pain that not even the best painkiller could help with. Your mind can think of nothing else and then enters the horrible questions that you really don’t want to know the answer to but you also do need to know especially if you are thinking of giving a second chance.

They are questions that you dare not ask because of your pride or just because it’ll sting that much more.

They are the questions that if you decide to forgive without knowing the answers to them will forever be in your head.

The questions that come to my mind are:
How often?
Where?
Better positions?
Tighter/bigger than me?
More creative?
Body more toned?
Do you cum harder?

Shit. Those could be some hard realizations if they are answered truthfully. The answers could break you and keep you from “getting over it”. The catch is they are also the questions that even if he/she answers them honestly; you already convinced your mind what the answer is. So why ask. Furthermore even knowing those answers the one question that will stay in your mind forever…

Why was I not enough?

XO -JC

No Sex

No Sex

I don’t want to call it celibacy because I feel like that’s a lifestyle choice & that isn’t what I’ve done.  I’ve merely not met anyone I wanted to share my flower, my cuca or in layman’s terms my vagina with.

I haven’t had sex since last November…”my vagina has been gone since November and now it might as well be gone till November”…(Wyclef Jean song) get it? Corny. Yes.

If you read my previous blogs, I’m a relationship type girl.  My last relationship ended 1 year ago today. I got dumped…for the first time ever.  Basically because I couldn’t give him 100% so I don’t consider it a real dump since I kinda gave him no choice. Yup, that’s what I’ll tell myself.  Anywho, right after that…like right after…like 2 weeks. Don’t judge me…just don’t.  I met a dude with what the young people call today “swag” (I hate that word) & for the first time in my 30 yrs I said F this let’s try a just physical thing.  Man. That didn’t work. I just can’t smash and not bring emotions in. Especially for this dude who I wanted to take in and nurse to be a better man…it was doomed.  So I gave him my flower before I knew all this OBVIOUSLY. We did the “dating” thing…we did the “smashing” thing.  I did the “girl” thing & said I gots to go boo boo, you know before he knew I wanted to fix him.  So since then (last November) I haven’t had sex with anyone…just objects.

So am I celibate…I still say that isn’t the right word.  I mean by definition that pretty much means I’m abstaining which I’m not -trust me, I want it. I want it BBBAADDD. I just don’t want a relationship right now.. I have proven I can’t smash and walk away easily so since I want to be single…I will not have sex.

Sounds so simple to me.

It’s also quite dope to not NEED sex & to prove that I’m waiting a full year…till November, because why not? I’ve never had a passion…not much goal oriented.  So now this has turned into my goal.  Now don’t get me wrong…that’s 2 months away, I might meet someone -I might have met someone already & if it happens, it happens but if it doesn’t…I REFRAINED FROM SEX FOR A WHOLE YEAR…& maybe even longer.

We willl see.

-JIC

Why I Won’t Get Married (probably)

I know…I don’t want to get married because well no one has asked or because I don’t suck dick right or I don’t cook good. That’s what many would say…but I won’t get married because well -I just don’t see the need for it.

Don’t get me wrong…it’s a nice concept, standing in front of God, etc…he’s probably mad at me for a lot of things I’ve done and it’s not that I’m an atheist I just think he has a lot more important things to do then hear some vows being exchanged.

Soooo…

I will commit to you – monogamy, honesty, loyalty & all that other shit included.

I will clean – well because I am obsessed with it and a bit OCD.

I will sex you – why not, it’s fun.

I will cook – I love food and so does my daughter and we need it to live.

I will support you – a lot with this – you’re WISE & PRACTICAL & PRUDENT decisions. I will be open with my finances and even share some with you.

I will also keep my own bank account, most likely NOT live with you and still go on girls night out and even wkend trips WITHOUT you.

That’s all I have.

xo – JIC

Sanity while Relationship-ing It.

First. Yes I know relationshiping is not a word I simply like it.

As my bio says I’m single so not sure who I think I am with this ‘rambling’ but I do make notes after each ‘experience’ I’ve had with boys & men.  You might read this, laugh, roll your eyes, whatever..because how am I giving tips and am single…

Simple I’ve chosen to be single.  Have I been cheated on, yes because he had an addiction (not my fault).  Have I been dumped, yes but I led him to do it (purposely).  The following is not how to get married.  More like a maintaining your sanity while in a relationship; my famous disclaimer….this is all “in my opinion” and what I TRY to do in every relationship! 

 

Support.  Do NOT disagree in public.  Be the #1 fan, supporter in front of people. Argue or speak your opinion at home…of course this is if he or she is not putting you down or disrespecting you in public, if that’s the case handle it in public.

Eyes.  When you speak look in the eyes so the person listening knows you talk truth.

Consistency.  Keep it how it IS so you never hear how it “used” to be.

Promises.  DON’T make them.  Just give your word while having eye contact and hold yourself to your word.

Romance.  Its not only a man’s job…women need to do it too! With that is COMPLIMENTING!

Friends.  HAVE them.  Don’t make him your best friend, keep some things private.  Get out of the house and don’t “check in”.

Assume.  A horrible horrible thing.  Just ask and not via text or email; ask IN PERSON.  Trust your gut/intuition when you are looking in the eyes…an intuition doesn’t lie.

Honesty.  Don’t lie EVER.  Unless its a positive surprise for your spouse. Like a gift, food or a threesome.

Sex.  If you don’t want to “get yours” then don’t do it but know there could be consequences if its more than 3-4 days, know that.

Money.  Have your own.  Split the bills if you are living together so one doesn’t feel obligated since the other is “paying your way”.

I’m only 30 so I’m sure there are others I have no experience with so I’ll leave that for the elders. Ha!  I even think this could be a relationship amongst friends minus the SEX one above.

– JIC