Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

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Let’s Go Back

Let’s go back to the times where you actually have to see someone or call someone to catch up on their life.

Social media has taken over and no I’m not bashing it; I’m guilty of it but I want to get better WITHOUT it. Right now, I
scroll through my news feed on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.. but how generic is that? Of course we aren’t going to post the bad or even all the good. Maybe we’ll post something for laughs, for attention or just a response to the topic of the day -that’s not really them, not really you, not really me.

I know we are busy -trust me I don’t even get “ME” time until about 9pm every weekday and by then it’s shower & sleep (and of course scroll). But if we’re too busy to talk or visit with a friend/family, aren’t we too busy to be on social networks?

I start looking down my friends list on Facebook and I’m like -dude we never talked in high school or college why are we even friends on this? Do we even care about each others lives or are we friends to see what’s going on in your life? To be nosey, what a horrible character trait but the majority us have it.

I want to know what’s happening in your life and while you are telling me I want to look in your eyes, I want to hear your voice change, I want to see your hand gestures, your facial expressions -all those things that make you, you.

I’m not saying I’m getting rid of social media. Quite frankly, its my escape -from mommy, from claims specialist, from myself. What I am saying is that I will make a conscious effort to reach out to those that I care about; I want to hear your voice, see your face -I want REAL connection back.

Don’t you?

XO -JC