Guilt

It’s one of the most toxic and worse feelings we can feel. It has the ability eat you alive… literally. Yet if you didn’t feel it for anything, ever… you could be looked as at a psychopath. GUILT. It doesn’t matter why you felt it; whether as a parent, a lover, a friend, whatever role in your life it was… it sucks. I mean good for you for not being a psychopath but it still sucks.

So assuming no psychopaths are reading this… what is that you feel guilty for right at this moment? Have you been feeling guilty for so long that now you don’t even know why anymore?

Let me help you out; are you feeling guilt for ignoring your gut, for not saying no, for wearing that red thing on your sleeve, for jumping in without vest, for forgiving too many times, for forgetting you are the most important person in your life, for smiling when you shouldn’t have, for giving yourself when it was the last thing you wanted, for trying to prove yourself to anyone but yourself, for falling for words rather than actions, for letting thoughts motivate you instead of reality, for ignoring your needs and wants, for making excuses for someone’s abuse, for, for, for… hopefully your brain juices are moving now; I know mine are and the juice does not taste good.

Now I could go and tell you why I did each of those things but that’s my healing, not yours. Write them down and be honest, it’s quite eye opening. You have to remember, guilt although is known as bad, as toxic -also isn’t always a bad thing IF you actually choose to understand why you’ve chosen that feeling over the many others you could’ve chosen. Think about that – think that the guilt is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to love even deeper.

Only YOU can make yourself FEEL guilt. Yup you read that right, the feeling of guilt can come and go. Matter of fact it SHOULD; it’s not meant to be embraced… Let it go because as we all know well, guilt doesn’t solve the past.

xo, JC

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The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
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XO -JC

Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.

XO -JC

This Writing Thing.

I get a lot of emails, texts, calls asking if what I write about are my own experiences.

Short answer, yes.
I don’t have the best memory so there are times when I’m talking to my family or friends, reading a book, or watching a movie that triggers some thing in my memory that relates to my life. Which then gets me to start writing about my experience. I’m proud to admit that because these experiences have made me who I am.

So then once I say yes, I then get asked “what if someone judges you?”

Honestly, I could care less of how I’ll come across. And either way, I hate judgemental people.

So, yes I’m obviously a pretty open person but I am a private person too, believe it or not. You’ll notice with my gaps in writing when I have someone special because I do hold that close.

Also when I write it doesn’t mean I’m going through these things at that exact time. It could of been days, weeks, even months prior. I’ll also tell y’all that I don’t even hit publish on all of the things I write; also some are handwritten in actual journals and meant for my eyes or my daughters eyes when shes of age.

What is dope and unexpected with my writing is when someone tells me that I have helped them get through something or inspired them to become more open. This is the ultimate compliment and surprises me every time. It was never my intention to do anything with my writing but have it as my own release so helping someone is a major bonus.

And for those that may get offended for playing a role in these writings… You should’ve played your role in my life better. Ha!

XO -JC

When to stop exploring.

It started because it was a thought that never left, therefore making it worth the risk to explore.  Explore what exactly….

Explore the why has it been so easy to forget others but not now.  Explore the possibility of being worth a change in another human.  Explore the absence of that butterfly feeling.

It ended because he was unforgettable because he is mean.  A mean you never experienced even when you deserved it.  A mean that made you repeat his words at your lowest moments.  A mean that made you question yourself as a person for the last 30 years.  A mean that you didn’t cause but you are now being blamed.

It ended because he demanded you change and you did but when you asked for the smallest of things…he stayed stagnant.

It ended because although butterflies were never there you felt secure in saying “this must be an adult relationship and butterflies are for fantasies”… but they’re not.  It’s to feel so loved that it tickles even at the low moments.  I haven’t felt a tickle in way too long.

But guess what…it hasn’t ended.. I find myself continuing to explore and stay. How do we know when to stop? The good outweighs the bad most days… How do I stop measuring and just living? Making excuses because of the past… I hate doing that but I do.

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xo- JC

Words

The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. Well shit, ain’t this the truth.

Simply put, words are game changers because once said they can be forgiven but never forgotten.

Words can impact people in many places…the soul, the heart, the mind and not just on the surface of each but into the extreme core of these places.

Words can create the most incredible feeling, whether incredibly beautiful or incredibly hurtful. We all remember our parents, teachers, family saying:
“Think before you speak”
“If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”

Words are so powerful.

I used to be a strong believer of saying what you think whether negative or positive because holding back will only hurt you in the long run.
Now I’m not sure if I agree anymore; maybe some thoughts and some feelings should be left unsaid.

My new rule: IS IT NECESSARY?

Words…. a fruit or a poison, you choose.

xo -JC

To You,

There are so many things that don’t make sense about me (even to myself) but those things make sense when I’m with you.

I’ve been lucky in the past…I’ve been loved unconditionally but I couldn’t do the same.  I now no why.

 

I like to think you know me well enough to know that I’m not playing games anymore.

Every time I see your face or even hear your voice, I get tingles…I crinkle my nose and I smile.  For so long only a little girl made me feel happy…now you do that too.

So, as good as you make me feel, I want to make you feel better.

I won’t make promises and I can’t give you every answer that you need but I do want to hear everything you wanna tell me.  I do want you to feel wanted, I want you to get what you have deserved for so long.  I want you to be the lucky one now.

You give me feelings that I adore.  You can trust I’ve never felt it like I feel it now.

 

Xoxo, JC

Cuffing Season

This shit is real.

It begins right after the summer ends, when the little nip is felt in the air.

The flirty texts turn nicer.  The invites to hang out are more frequent.  The questions asked become more serious.

Be careful…it’s happening.  He or she are trying to pin you down for the season.  They are trying to cuff you.  Again, I say… shit is real.

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You are in a relationship…oh wait, that’s strong let’s call it a date only one person stage or better yet, take one person more serious than the others you are dating stage.  I don’t know what to call it but –it’s real.

I thought I was “uncuffable” but that shit is even happening to me…and I’m aware…and I’m letting it happen.  I am fully aware…and I don’t mind it.  I like him.  I mean it’s only thru January, right?

Maybe it won’t be so bad.  Maybe feelings will just automatically end.  Maybe there is a pill to take to make sure of this?  If so, I need it and yes I’ll share it with you..

 

-JC