When to stop exploring.

It started because it was a thought that never left, therefore making it worth the risk to explore.  Explore what exactly….

Explore the why has it been so easy to forget others but not now.  Explore the possibility of being worth a change in another human.  Explore the absence of that butterfly feeling.

It ended because he was unforgettable because he is mean.  A mean you never experienced even when you deserved it.  A mean that made you repeat his words at your lowest moments.  A mean that made you question yourself as a person for the last 30 years.  A mean that you didn’t cause but you are now being blamed.

It ended because he demanded you change and you did but when you asked for the smallest of things…he stayed stagnant.

It ended because although butterflies were never there you felt secure in saying “this must be an adult relationship and butterflies are for fantasies”… but they’re not.  It’s to feel so loved that it tickles even at the low moments.  I haven’t felt a tickle in way too long.

But guess what…it hasn’t ended.. I find myself continuing to explore and stay. How do we know when to stop? The good outweighs the bad most days… How do I stop measuring and just living? Making excuses because of the past… I hate doing that but I do.


xo- JC


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