Twenty Sixteen

On the eve of the new year, I paid and renewed this blog.  I waited for the last day with the countdown telling me I had 11 hours to renew or lose it forever. I debated with it, I started reading my old posts and realized this shit is therapeutic.  Just writing and not caring who reads it or even if anyone reads it at all.

So new year, new me… no, but maybe just a fresh start. I came across a new year game on pinterest it was just a question card game, but when I tried to answer the questions like “the hardest you laughed this year” or “the day this past year you’d live over & over” and I couldn’t even think of it… I needed to wake up. This last year, shit maybe even longer I’ve gotten out of “thought process”. I was broken, busy & exhausted that I literally stopped processing my own feelings.  I don’t think it was necessarily unhealthy, it was of other things/people needed me more. I refuse to continue doing this, I must always think and I must get back to ME.  Relax, this isn’t a post about my new year resolutions/goals. I’ve never been a fan but I am aiming for a few things to keep true to myself this year.

I will let people keep their insecurities and chaos to themself by not taking them on

I will not set myself on fire to keep another person warm

I will trust my inner voice

I will believe the sincerity in compliments and praises

I will believe in my CONSCIOUS journey

I will not do things out of fear

I will question WHY (as if I was a toddler)… I will ask:

Why do you feel entitled to my space, conversation & time?

This will keep me from attracting unconscious relationships which only keep you stagnant.  I will be truly myself. And I know this won’t be easy or smooth; because for increase in conscious, comes pleasure and with pleasure comes sensitivity.  What happens when your sensitive? … pain but also learning, growth and evolving.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovies.

 

xoxo,

JC

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I

I am raw.

I am hilarious.

I am generous.

I am thoughtful.

I am beautiful.

I am sensitive.

I am emotional.

I am curious.

I am loyal.

I am observant.

I am confident.

I am a hardworker.

I am charming.

I am a risk taker.

I am lonely.

I am positive.

I am worthy of a kind word here and there, sincerity, spontaneous hugs & kisses, a smile from across the room, knowing when to be silent and just be there, when I need you. To be loved from your soul not because of comfort or habit.

I smile through most…you won’t know if I’m deep in hell or on top of the clouds doing belly flops.

I think a lot…so much that at times it seems like I’m not paying attention or caring. But the fact is I’m thinking so much I don’t know how to express it.

I trust from the beginning and then it slowly starts diminishing. Yes I know it’s supposed to be the opposite.

I don’t dwell on tomorrow much, mainly living in the current moment. Most hate that. I love it. Go figure.

I ignore my inner voices…a lot. I’m not even sure what else to say about that *sigh*

I change moods and personalities to protect myself from people but then it intrigues people and they then begin to annoy me.

Everything ain’t for everybody, and neither am I but I heavily fuck with myself and blow my own mind consistently.

Xo- JC

Our hunches. Our guts.

You’re supposed to trust and believe your hunches, that gut feeling. 

Simply said..I have a problem with this because those hunches I get are rarely good about people in my life.  These people are ones I’m not ready to let go of and if I trust those hunches, gut feelings then I must let them go. They make me sad and lonely.

Now with that being said…I do believe that your hunches, your guts are facts filed just below the conscious level. But who puts them there? Is it a being above us? Or are we as humans just that damn good?

I don’t know the answer and because I don’t know the answer…I can’t make a decision unless I’m 100% sure, right? Right.

Beyond…

The past 2 months have been ‘something’. It started with a week away from my home.. a time where I talked to my two older sisters and myself. Did some meditating & even jogging (ok ok only once). One sister is to the point- go with your heart kind of shit. The other is fuck that find yourself completely by some questions- then adjust the people in your life accordingly. These questions were simple that we all should be able to answer in a instant and I couldn’t. That was quite an eye opener; how can I ask or demand from the people in my life without really knowing what I want and need. These questions that she asked me were more of HOW to get things when inner demons of your own or the other person (lover, friend, family member) are fighting with us. Deep for me, I know. Stay with me though..
**What’s a coincidence is that I tweeted this just 6 days before this talk with my sisters: “Take the LOVE out. Take your HEART out. Because if your MIND isn’t at peace…it will fail, whether now or down the road…”

For example..some questions:
Why don’t you do the things you know you should be doing?
When this person leaves you are you fulfilled?
Thinking of the future and kids are gone to college what do you wanna do? Does that person support that?
What is your goals/aspirations now and in future. Who can help you get there?
Do you really trust yourself and have YOUR best interests in mind?

Took me 2 months to think of these answers…I have them now. No you nosey fucks I won’t share them. They are quite private. I even did a personality test.

I’m an introvert but want people to think I’m an extrovert
I’m selfish
I don’t trust
I overEVERYTHING (overthink, overanalyze, overdo things)
I’m inconsistent
I’m naive

So yeah I pretty much suck. They say “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I don’t deserve good love.. fuck.

Let’s think of the positives..

I’m passionate
I believe in a lot of things
I’m loyal to a fault
I care
I listen to myself and am okay with no one else understanding

Some days, I feel everything. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I’ll smile during both those days…

JC

Falling

Falling in LOVE is so dope.  Falling out of it is horrible. 

I have fallen and it’s been quick.  I give people the benefit of the doubt…I start off with full trust with my heart on my sleeve.  I hate it about myself.  BUT -I do it without even knowing I am doing it. 

It’s possible that because of the falling IN is like this that the falling OUT can happen without much looking back. It makes me start to question everything from day 1. It keeps me from being able to focus on the good and not the bad. I also hate this about myself.

I’m pretty good about analyzing myself, being honest about what I discover and expressing it BUT this confuses me.

Trust is supposed to be built so why do I give it so freely.

Love is supposed to grow over time so why do I let the “honeymoon” stage” take over my normal HIGHLY rational mind.

Maybe I am a hopeless romantic. Or just bipolar. Or just haven’t found the one to KEEP me IN LOVE. If I could choose my diagnosis…I choose the latter.

xo -JC

My Best

I’ve done my best. I have no doubt in that. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I was always there even if it was in a different way you wanted or a different way than you are used to…I was there.

You asked me to fight like I never had before…I did.
Even when my gut, my intuition told me to stay closed…I opened up.
The future. Yeah you made me think about it…fuck, even had me considering it.
Trust…I gave you it.
Family…was shared with you.
My body…was yours, every inch.

Just because someone doesn’t love you like you want, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you the best way they can

I love you without knowing how, when or even why. I know myself, I gave my best. My best…has come

but it also has gone.

xo – JC

Trust

TRUST is scarce. It’s one of the few things that takes merely seconds to break.

So what does trust consist of. I’d say credibility, reliability, respect, loyalty & of course honesty.

Let’s have some fun with this. What if I said some spouses are more satisfied with your phone password than an engagement. Sounds harsh but sad thing its a reality.  As much as I’d like to believe this can’t be true…I sadly think it is. Not sure if it’s how much relationships have changed throughout time or what but it’s sad.

Women always seemed to be the ones with the trust issues…because men are men, right? Men can help it, they say? Men are weak..only a few can turn down temptation. Men are insecure. Men also seem to need more out of the house time then us..whatever it is they do. Women are okay being home; or is this just me and my friends? It’s just easier for men to cheat. Those are some things I’ve heard.

But guess what..men are not trusting in excess. This surprises me. I’ve never even thought that was an issue with them. At first thought I’d say it’s likely because the woman was hurt and now has turned bitter or into an opportunist instead of a head over heels in love woman. Or maybe because women aren’t in NEED of a man anymore it’s more of a WANT. Men want to me needed; they need to be needed. Daddy taught me that. (I suck at showing this by the way)
Or maybe it’s likely because the man has been hurt before. NEWS RELEASE: Women cheat too. Sad but true.

So now trust has been broken; now what?

Forgiving someone is easy. But being able to trust them again is a totally different story. Examine this before you decide to keep them…remember you can forgive someone and still not have them in your life. It’s okay. It doesn’t make you less than a person, in fact it’s pretty damn admirable of you to recognize that and let them go.

Oh & trust no one.

JC