I send these (mixed signals)…a lot. I don’t even know if I’d call them signals, I don’t know how else to describe it.  Especially in the last year…as I’m in the FUCK a relationship phase of my life.  I’ve been so good for so long.  I’ve done the good lil girlfriend, the good lil woman that played house.  I’m done with that shit.  I didn’t think it would last a year…fact is I don’t see this “phase” leaving anytime soon.  I don’t want to worry about anything but myself & my daughter.

But then at the same time…I enjoy a man’s company, I enjoy the “get to know you stage”…in order to have that, you have to be charming.  That is something that I am.  I will tell him things that I really do mean AT THAT MOMENT.  When I go back and read it or replay the convo in my head I say oh fuck he’s gonna fall. Then he does…then I have to look bipolar & retract or even easier..pretend I was drunk.  I’m not proud of it, I’m really not.  I did this recently to a man who really was textbook PERFECT.  I just didn’t want what he wanted. He still texts me weekly -he wants to check if I’ve changed my mind and am ready for a relationship…I’m not but am I nice, yes.  Is this keeping him in the backburner, to me no, to him- possibly since he has feelings in it.  I can’t ignore.  I have manners -unless you fucked me over I will not ignore.  It’s rude.

One thing I am is honest. So mixed signals…maybe but I do my best to explain why.

I’m sorry is used a lot from me.

-JIC