Hey you, teenage self – come here and read this!

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is be intentional. Intentional in all aspects of your life; from your daily interactions, to your job, to your relationships and family – absolutely EVERY aspect of your life.

What do I mean by being intentional? In simple term, is it necessary. Is where you are putting your energy and allowing it to stress you necessary? What are you allowing people to know about you? It can even be used when you waste money on something and then put it in the back of the closet or under the bed; only to find it a year later and trash it because you never needed it. What if you were intentional that day at the store and asked yourself, what will I need this for?

These questions can save you a lot of time and keep you from questioning your actions and decisions. I think I’ve said it before whether in prior posts or not… I used to love that I went with the flow and lived in the moment. Now as a vieja (old woman) I know that it isn’t ideal, my life has passed so quickly because I didn’t live it with intention.

Intentionality brings greater quality

Now to talk to the 2019 humans… think about it when you just start scrolling on social media – is it mindlessly or intentional? Are you in a kind frame of mind and really want to see pictures of your friends or are you just wasting time by scrolling; not liking, not reading the caption and avoiding? Isn’t social media to connect? For example, I see a sunset and I double click to like it because damn those ombre colors and the wave crashing and shit I can’t ever get a pic like that. So I like it and keep scrolling but then it comes up later that day and I take the time to actually read the caption. I now know that the person drove to the beach at 5am because they couldn’t sleep all night and wanted to get there fore the 6am sunrise and see if that would help the “funk” they were in. Now I know shit it wasn’t just a dope picture; they are going through something, so maybe reach out to them in a dm or even if you know their number in a text.

We could even go deeper – let’s not live just to pay our bills or have a lot of friends just to say you did instead of quality friends that know your heart and soul deeply. What are you passionate about? What are my priorities?

Understand your why.. and remember it’s fluid.

Let’s stop with instant gratification when we all know prolonged gratification is the icing (cream cheese or buttercream for me) to life.

xx- JC

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Half An Empath

What is an empath?  

I best describe it as the entering another’s person’s feeling and emotions intuitively at times.  My therapist said it’s a horrible trait but one that you can’t help and takes a lot of work to manage (I hate work).  

Think of a sponge – you absorb other’s emotion and physical pain but then the sponge doesn’t leak.  So now there energy is hanging inside you heavy as hell, weighing you down as if you yourself are going through it.  At times it’s like I’ve misplaced myself in this other person.

So I’m an empath, cool – what does that look like for me?  

Being an empath means I jump into relationships – they begin fast and are intense quickly because I dive deep and grab intimacy before I should.  Then that relationship fails because while now I’ve brought you into this deep and intense environment; I will also require distance and regular times of solitude but if you don’t want it I will not get it because I want to give you what you need.

Being an empath means people get addicted to me because I take them in.  I want to make their life better, I want them to feel important in this big bad world and I will do it at the demise of myself.

Being an empath means I am exhausted a lot because I say yes to things without thinking of what it would do to me, forgetting about my own needs and my own happiness.  Furthermore, the compassion that comes with an empath means I make excuses for other’s bad behavior – was it their childhood that made them this way?  Maybe the paranoia comes because of being hurt in the past? So many excuses that I can come up with for you.  Hate that shit about me.

So yeah this empath life is both a curse and a blessing. It takes works to not allow all energies in but then there is also the part of you that knows that the person trying to give you their energy, needs you.  So how do you choose what to allow?  I have no fucking idea, when you find out – please share. 

I called this piece “Half An Empath” because although I have this trait – I also at times ignore it.  My sponge opened it’s pores and took it but then I am wringing it so that it begins to drain out – it’s survival.  You’ll know when I’m practicing this, it’s when I shut off my phone and sometimes for a full day or two.  That is a type of boundary; my therapist and I worked on ways to get better at being an empath because it’s inevitable these may not be the same boundaries for you but toy with them and see if it helps: 

  • Limit your time with people that end to unload on you without permission 
  • Schedule your alone time; yes even if that means setting a reminder in your calendar
  • Grounding myself whether that’s meditating or writing my thoughts 
  • Stone practice – I haven’t tried this mainly because I haven’t taken the time to go and buy them and what to do with them but the stones are Labradorite, Smoky Quartz, Black Tourmaline & Hematite
  • Be with nature – I help my parents garden a lot – it’s quite therapeutic and I count walking my dog for 15-20 minutes too
  • Be intentional; don’t ask how someone is doing if you really can’t take that on.  They could need to vent and you may not be in that mindset today, so don’t ask – let them lead the conversation
  • Mantra:   “I RELEASE ALL THE ENERGY FROM THE OUTSIDE BACK TO ITS OWNER AND REQUEST ONLY MY ENERGY BACK, PLEASE & THANK YOU”

See how much work it takes; I’m working on it as best as I can which isn’t daily.  

xx- JC

That One Question

Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.

What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?

My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.

I now know why this question, a question that never affected me before but this time shook me as it did. I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understand why I CHOOSE to put it in on the back-burner for so long.

I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was my fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?

Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?

I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.

XOXO, JC

Vulnerability

I recently read someone’s take on vulnerability and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The irony that he wrote about vulnerability while being raw and true in the writing was vulnerable on it’s own. He took me through the reality of opening up and being rewarded by being looked at like you are the center of the universe to then only be hurt in the end.

One thing we can all agree on is that to be vulnerable, is scary.

Vulnerability is a risk and like many risks it takes a whole lot of courage and strength to complete it, but it is REQUIRED to have a true connection. Whether we are speaking about a connection with a friend or the scariest thing, love – they both require us to expose our emotions, our weaknesses and fears. But now think about this – when you do put yourself our there by committing the act of vulnerability the next thing you will feel is discomfort but hold on strong because right outside that discomfort you will feel overwhelming strength and truth within you. Sitting in your uncomfortableness is you realizing that you are furthering yourself. That’s powerful as fuck, be proud of it.

Love & Vulnerability sitting in a tree … (yes, I wrote that in the tune of the old fairytale). In my opinion love and vulnerability are a pair or as this writer said vulnerability is the cousin of love or love’s child. This is true, one can’t work without the other – if you haven’t been vulnerable you aren’t loving. And you can’t even begin to have empathy without first vulnerability – without empathy you can’t have the foundation of true love. I’ll have to get into the that in another post.

Now with that said – vulnerability doesn’t mean your book is always open. Just like any other type of risk, it has to be balanced. You don’t have to express every single thought or feeling – some are meant just for you to process and come to a conclusion on your own. Know that vulnerability is different for all of us; for some it’s like unwrapping a gift slowly and for others we begin with being vulnerable from the jump to test the other person, to see who gets frightened and runs away. One isn’t better than the other – just be proud of yourself that you got there.

Vulnerability is something that I was once great at, I always had the ability to say exactly how I felt and to anyone that would listen. This was something that I really relished in about myself and what other people always complimented me on – the rawness and ability to communicate without overthinking. I hope to reclaim it again.

XX, JC

Hiding, Changing or Whatever

First, let’s paint the picture…five girls sitting around the dinner table, friends for over 20 years. It had been about five months since we last all got together so of course the mama bear of the group asked the question to all of us – “so what’s new with you”. I purposely moved by position to look at each of them one by one and let them answer while still drinking and hoping one of their stories was so good that it would take over the conversation for the night, and it did.

Now had that not happened and I had to answer the question, I knew what I would say because I practiced it while I drove to the restaurant and also while the other girls were answering. My answer was going to be “nothing much you know, same old same – work, sleep, mom and repeat”; but what I should say is “nothing new at all, I am stuck in the same rut for the 3rd year and it’s not okay and I need help to get out of it”. But I put the coward hat on, yet again. Yup, I called myself a coward – that’s self awareness, isn’t it? Do I get points for that at least? Serious though – I’m a coward because I am not being truthful; I am not telling them I have changed. Instead I am turning on my switch, putting on mask and going back to the old happy, go lucky, nothing can stress me persona – when that is so far from the truth.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear and now I understand that it could change a person; there are parts of me that have expired. I know, maybe that is not a bad thing – maybe I’ll evolve and shit and turn into a even better person, but for now, I don’t like it. I want go back to being the woman that went into a conversation genuinely interested in understanding the other person, the woman that just was happy waking up every morning, living each day to the fullest day by day.

Instead, the new me is waiting until I can go home and take a shower and lay in bed – get sucked into hours of Netflix or reading a book. It takes work and I’m not ready for that – call it cowardly, that’s fine. I called myself that earlier, remember. I am not ready to work on something because you know what, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I was changed – it wasn’t my choice.

xx, JC

Tired

I’m tired, tired to the point where my knees get weak and I feel as if they will just fold under me without warning.  My public façade is good, Oscar-worthy even but I’m not “fake”, I’m surviving. 

I know what you’re thinking, am I reading about her being tired.  Yes –  you are.  But this is a deep tired, a tired that isn’t fixed by a gallon of coffee or a weekend of sleep.  A tired that requires the curtains to fall so my performance can be over and this curtain fall does happen.  It happens once I get in my car after a day of work or once I am in my home alone or sometimes it waits until I lay my head on the pillow.  It’s a tired coming from the soul.  My soul is tired.

I am a type of person that wants others to be happy, so because I want others to be happy then I can’t show that I’m not.  I can’t put down my façade and show my sadness, my fear, my truths.  Because if I do, I’ll have to explain why.  Why am I now this way?  What happened to change me?  I’m too tired to explain why, so I just don’t.  Remember this isn’t a regular tired, it is my soul that is tired.

I don’t know how to fix a tired soul.  Now, I’m an intelligent person, I know that I need support.   I know it is going to take me speaking my truth but I also need energy for that and I’m not there yet.  I don’t have that positive, optimistic energy to motivate me and I need that for this type of weight I carry.  My soul is heavy, heavy and tired.

Society has messed us up and that people need to see dysfunction to help.  That is fucked up!  Why do us as humans want to see people not function, not get out of bed, suffer, shit even attempt suicide before we think they really need help.  So call it fake if you must, I call it surviving and until I can speak my truth and ask for support I will continue to survive.

 

XO, JC

2016

Since the summer of 2016 I’ve been hiding, lying, avoiding, hating… you know all those things that you learn as a school age child to not do.  I’m disappointed about it, disappointed at myself for doing this for so long.  But let me explain – please.  Let me explain why I hid, why I lied and why I allowed hate.  And while I explain – remember, not everyone can just replenish themselves when so much has been taken from them.

In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to certain “places” because of a darkness that was first forced upon me.  Yes I said forced because although I didn’t allow what happened to me , I did in these last 19 months allow myself to stay in the darkness.  I think I did this because I didn’t want to relive it but guess what I still relive it, DAILY – me hiding it didn’t stop that.  I cannot escape it, and yes I did try – I tried to distract myself, I pretended it wasn’t there but then it came back daily and now I have accepted that I will always think of it daily so here I am, introducing you to my “places” because they are me.

DEMOTIVATION – I didn’t get lazy, lazy would’ve been me not waking up every day with a smile and moving on with the day.  Instead, I woke up – I put my mom hat on along with my work hat on and kept it moving.  I wanted to be lazy, trust me, I did.  I work for an amazing company that if I had called, I could’ve used my benefits and take short term disability to stay home and wallow.  My daughter’s father would’ve taken her without hesitation, had I asked.  So no I didn’t get lazy; I just got demotivated.  Demotivated to be a mom and a employee like I was before.  I became the mom and employee that just did what I had to do to survive 16 hours before I went back to bed and hit replay.

ANXIETY – Let me begin with apologizing, when people would tell me they had anxiety, I thought it was an excuse.  I would say just slow down, breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth, etc…  Well again I apologize, I get it now.  I get the whole trembling through moments while your heart is racing and your breathing becomes painful.  I understand now – those feelings of worry, fear, helplessness and when it comes I rather die.  Legit, die – that’s how horrible it is.

FEAR – I’ve had fear before 2016, but not like this.  Now my fear is real, it’s not “what if” scenarios in my head. My fear comes from what has actually happened, my identity, my self-esteem, my self-worth has been taken away from me.  I have fear because I have been violated both emotionally and physically, there is fear of never being okay again.  There is fear of that person that gets to close to me in the elevator or the one that compliments me too many times.

So there it is, my places – as ugly as they are.  Don’t worry, I’m not staying here for long although yes it has been 19 months and I’m not much further along than I was 12 months ago but guess what, there is no time frame on healing.  The 19 months has done something wonderful, because I now WANT to give my life a second chance.

People notice I’m not the same Jeannette – they tell me I’ve changed, that my “light” is gone, that my energy no longer exudes positivity.   When I hear these things I want those things again, I want to be those things for other people.   I want to love myself, I want to see the good in people, the one that just wants everyone to be genuinely happy.   I will get there and I have promised to be more honest and transparent, with myself patiently.

Unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics

 

XX, JC

Healing

Healing

When will I stop thinking about it?  When will I be able to see something and it not bring flashbacks?  just when?

How will I get over it?  How will I be able to move on?  just how?

Likely never.  Sorry to tell you but depending on the depth of the pain, it may be never.  So why not instead of asking yourself these questions over and over; why not be okay with reminding yourself that YOU are a human and that YOU will heal, in your own way, in your own time.  And maybe healing isn’t getting amnesia over what happened, maybe healing is just being okay with it.

I just want you to know that no one should tell you how to heal… maybe staying in the “victim” role is yours, maybe hurting others in the same way is a way, maybe keeping it to yourself is healing.  We should respect you enough to understand that if that is your way, it’s your way.  There is not one way to heal.  There is no RIGHT way to heal.

There is a saying “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed”.  Is this true?  Maybe it is, for YOU.

xo, JC

Just Because

54854bf46326ed05fce8091d33f21c63Just because her body protected her… doesn’t mean she wanted it.  Self-lubrication is the vagina’s natural reaction to prevent pain.

Just because she let you into her home, into her bed, into her heart… doesn’t mean you had permission to go into her vagina.

Just because the skirt was short, the cleavage was out… doesn’t mean she wants it.  She works hard for those legs, her tits are real and damn perky for her age so why not show them off.

Just because she had an orgasm… doesn’t mean it was a pleasant one.  Don’t you know this made her hate her own body for betraying her.

Just because you weren’t pushed off, punched, bitten… doesn’t mean she was enjoying it; she was numb, felt nothing, felt dead so where was that strength supposed to come from?

Just because she makes excuses… doesn’t mean that there is an excuse for what happened.

Just because she can still look in your eyes… doesn’t mean she likes to.  She is looking in your eyes for remorse, for regret, for a way to understand.

Just because she hasn’t told anyone… doesn’t mean she’s okay with it.  She is scared, she fears what others will think.

Just because she smiles and jokes… doesn’t mean she doesn’t get home and falls apart.

Just because she can’t hate you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to be hated.

Just because she was torn down… doesn’t mean she will stay down.

 

xx, JC

 

 

.

A word that shocks, a word that hurts, a word that shames, a word that attacks…so why speak on it?  Simply…because it’s necessary.  It has been proved that it in order to heal the “act” needs to be acknowledged then addressed.

Every day is filled fighting battles; battles that no one knows about because you smile through your days. You smile to protect the truth from others but also from yourself all while your insides are breaking with your confused emotions with a feeling of being lost. Don’t be embarrassed -these aren’t weaknesses, be proud that you let someone in to have that effect. It took vulnerability to let this person in so deep.

What has happened is not your fault. That’s right, it’s not your fault even if you lied, even if you broke promises. No one has the right to punish you for those things whether physically, verbally or spiritually. Understand that person should’ve walked away from you, not hurt you.  It is their problem that they can’t control their own anger.

What is happening or has happened will break you whether it takes hours, days or months. It takes time, especially when we do what we are taught… focus on the positive moments or even the belief that maybe just how the love turned to hate, it can easily turn back to love. Whatever the reason, however long it takes take; it’s your time, only you can determine the end. Forgive yourself when you somehow “forget” and treat this person nice or live in the moment with this person and allow that person back in.  This is a hard one because you’ll question why would you?  Is it from fear?  Is it from love remaining?  Is it out of hope?  Is it all of these things…

Know there’s no right way to heal.  And I’m not a specialist or an expert, just talking my shit as someone going through it.

For me it’s dissociating, it’s going numb, I go into my own little world and during this time I cry violently other times I don’t at all.  I write, I read, I blame myself, I look at old pictures, read old texts or emails from the person.  I lie to people by telling them I’m fine or that I’m just tired.  I don’t think this is the best way but it is the only way I can right now.

But I’m hopeful I know that we all will get stronger one day at a time, one breath at a time. It doesn’t mean you have to be strong every day. Take a day or two or three to rest because the pain of what you’ve been through is bound to come back. And when it comes back it can be reliving it all over again and it could hurt even more.  So how can we stop from reliving it?

We can’t, something may happen to trigger it and when it’s triggered you may fall in the hole of anxiety and fear but just like that hole was climbed out of once, you will climb out of it again and you know what climbing does? It makes you stronger. So yes you will get stronger; one day at a time, one breath at a time.

Abuse.