Yes it took me a while to open up, yes I’m still not okay but something happened the other day when I was asked a question. A question that hit me so deep this time and I say this time because this question was nothing to me before, in the past I would answer to anyone that asked. This time it legitimately may have been what I needed to move forward. My past lovers knew my answer to the question – shit even strangers playing a game of good ole’ truth or dare would know my answer to the question.
What is or was your ultimate sexual fantasy?
My answer – consensual forced sex. I never considered it a taboo subject – I fantasized about someone I know and someone I wanted to forcefully take me while I pretended it was out of my control. A fantasy so vivid that I thought of the different scenarios and backdrops.
I now know why this question, a question that never effected me before but this time shook me as it did. I mean hello I had forced sex. A keyword is missing there though…CONSENSUAL. So now revisiting the question, the answer & what happened to me – I can understood why I CHOOSE to put in on the back-burner for so long.
I tend to always want to know the reason for things, the why…so I did what I do and I dug deep – the weak side of me said “shit this was may fantasy somewhat, maybe I deserved it”. The intelligent powerful side of me said “girl, shut the fuck up – what happened was not your fantasy, not even close”. Why did I allow the weak side to not let me run, to not change my number, to cut off all contact? Maybe I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because I knew the person?
Let’s be clear, I am not condoning at all but what I am doing is trying to figure out why I didn’t protect myself better after it happened. Was it because in my subconscious this was my fantasy?
I didn’t WANT this person to do this to me. This person that I fantasized about wasn’t supposed to be mad at me when it happened; it wasn’t supposed to be an out of revenge action. It was supposed to be a fun, sexy, erotic moment and this was far from those three adjectives. So yes, forced consensual sex was my fantasy for many years. Now, I don’t have any fantasies pertaining to sex and that’s okay. And yes, that one question rocked me this time but it also may have been what I needed to stop.