Forbidden

That’s a sexy ass word, isn’t it? I mean goodness the definition is to not be allowed/to be banned from a person or a thing, I don’t know about you but that makes me want that thing even more. Call it childish or selfish and you may be right but isn’t that part of self love – to be more selfish? Anyway, that’s not what this is about.

We’ve all heard the term “forbidden fruit” and yes I’m aware its cliché as hell but it works here so I’m riding with it. I know it isn’t just me but isn’t forbidden fruit better than a regular fruit? This fruit hangs there in front of you, showing itself off and because we’re only human, our animalistic nature urges to grab it, ravage it and fulfill ourselves because why else would this fruit be there all attainable and shit, if not to be taken? Doesn’t the owner of this fruit know that humans are animals with stimuli that causes us to react.

Before I get into telling my experience with forbidden fruit, I’ll begin with a disclaimer and that is that I didn’t know this fruit was forbidden until I was already on my tippy toes with the tip of my fingers skimming the skin of it. It was late but it wasn’t too late – I could’ve brought my arm down, put my heels on the ground and turn around but I couldn’t; every time I think about doing it, I can’t.

Let me tell you my story about my first and last forbidden fruit.

It began on a hot spring day…. no really I don’t remember the temperature but I met a person, a person that quickly became a part of me, part of my story at a time where I was my most vulnerable, when I was hurt and skeptical of everything. Yes, usually this is a time when you should stay to yourself, the time when we want to be alone in our darkness and not let anyone in; yet, I couldn’t help it. I let this one in because it felt safe and it also gave me hope. There wasn’t a day when there wasn’t some kind of communication, this person read me better than people that have known me for years. Comfortable is an understatement, lust isn’t a strong enough word and need is underrated.

But then, almost as quickly as it came, the door was slammed shut and within seconds the door became ajar – allowing me in, just a bit. I won’t get into why the door shut – all that matters is that it did shut (even if just momentarily) and I still chose to ignore it, that lies on me solely. So this person now became “forbidden fruit” and I continued to look inside and I am not convinced even now that I shouldn’t have kept looking. Maybe I was intended to experience this….

I say that because I actually held space for someone other than me.

Holding space for some one else – that is a feat for me; my therapist would say that I was only able to hold space because I knew it couldn’t be filled but that is wrong. Go back to my disclaimer from earlier… I didn’t know this fruit was forbidden until I was already reaching for it. The space I made was before I knew – this connection is so strong that I made the space even before we met in person. This is why I say maybe I was intended to experience it…I Jeannette, actually held space for someone else.

I know for that alone I should appreciate what this did for me. I should be thankful and I am for the most part but I’m other things to – I’m sad. Can I have this person, yes -but not in the way that I want this person, the way that I need this person. Yes NEED. I’ll always cherish us, a vibe that was full of understanding, a really fucking dope, thought and goal provoking relationship that I can smile about until my cheeks hurt. A fruit that I bit and savored the taste but that I didn’t get down to the core- I didn’t get to the crevices in it’s pit.

Que sera, sera. La Douleur Exquise

xoxo, JC

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