This past week, was a week filled with sadness, fear, pride and one I’m not so proud of ego. 

My daughter turned 16 and her dad surprised us both with a car for her. Although I’m super grateful, I’m also feeling a little lost with this new independence for her. 

I won’t call it empty nesting because my nest is far from empty, but it’s empty-something. Her having her own car is emptying something in me. She no longer needs me as a chauffeur. This independence has led to her also being more self-reliant in things like making her own breakfast. 

I know what y’all are thinking, what’s the problem?

There isn’t a “problem”. I have had duties for the last 16 years that start as soon as I wake up in the morning. I make her breakfast and her lunch, I make sure she has taken her vitamins and that she packed extra clothes for practice. I make sure that we are out of the house on time and that I pick her up after her school day is over. I know I know, what’s the problem? As my duties are dwindling I am having a hard time. I know that this is part of raising a child and that her having independence is a sign of successful parenting, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier. I’m realizing I need to start doing some real work on figuring out this new normal, to embrace the change. 

I used to look at my older sister who stopped working, became star PTA member, got into philanthropy, etc and be envious of her ways of motherhood. I was able to get some great parent things done while working full-time; I was a kick-ass room mom for some of those elementary years. I also became “cool” mom that got to have 10 kids in my car to drive them to activities and heard all the tea. As time passed, that envy turned into sadness for her; I don’t envy that her kids defined her, no one knew her true personality, her true desires outside of her children. I’m proud to say I wasn’t a parent that fully lost herself in her child. We each have our own paths and no two paths should be compared. My path wasn’t one for many to envy. I didn’t lose myself to motherhood because although I would never wish that her dad and I split; fact is we did split right before she turned two. So those every other weekends to myself did a lot for me; I learned about myself, I had the time to grow as a mother, as a woman while fortunately staying grounded in myself.

So no, I didn’t lose myself but I grew a bit of an ego. Hate to admit it, but I need her to need me.

Motherhood doesn’t define me, but she is my fucking life. She is why I do everything I do. If she slowly stops needing me, what will then be the reason I do everything? I’m smart enough to know the answer to that is I MYSELF AM THE REASON. I am also vulnerable enough to know I need a little more love. I need a little more want for myself to believe that answer and put action to that answer.

I’ll get there because I’m aware I need to, but how do I get there? I don’t really know. I start with embracing this new normal by reminding myself her needing me less is successful parenting. What do we do with success? We reward it. So, let’s reward myself on the days that I’m drowning in the sadness and fear. Now to think of those rewards for myself while we enter week 2 of her having a car.

xo, JC