Hiding, Changing or Whatever

First, let’s paint the picture…five girls sitting around the dinner table, friends for over 20 years. It had been about five months since we last all got together so of course the mama bear of the group asked the question to all of us – “so what’s new with you”. I purposely moved by position to look at each of them one by one and let them answer while still drinking and hoping one of their stories was so good that it would take over the conversation for the night, and it did.

Now had that not happened and I had to answer the question, I knew what I would say because I practiced it while I drove to the restaurant and also while the other girls were answering. My answer was going to be “nothing much you know, same old same – work, sleep, mom and repeat”; but what I should say is “nothing new at all, I am stuck in the same rut for the 3rd year and it’s not okay and I need help to get out of it”. But I put the coward hat on, yet again. Yup, I called myself a coward – that’s self awareness, isn’t it? Do I get points for that at least? Serious though – I’m a coward because I am not being truthful; I am not telling them I have changed. Instead I am turning on my switch, putting on mask and going back to the old happy, go lucky, nothing can stress me persona – when that is so far from the truth.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear and now I understand that it could change a person; there are parts of me that have expired. I know, maybe that is not a bad thing – maybe I’ll evolve and shit and turn into a even better person, but for now, I don’t like it. I want go back to being the woman that went into a conversation genuinely interested in understanding the other person, the woman that just was happy waking up every morning, living each day to the fullest day by day.

Instead, the new me is waiting until I can go home and take a shower and lay in bed – get sucked into hours of Netflix or reading a book. It takes work and I’m not ready for that – call it cowardly, that’s fine. I called myself that earlier, remember. I am not ready to work on something because you know what, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I was changed – it wasn’t my choice.

xx, JC


Woke up today with two precious people in my life and one of the first things I did was fill out a new year declaration on Instagram. I also deleted the 4 drafts I had on here that I continued to go back to for the last 2 months.


So something I’ve never done is make goals. I’ve tried changing, I’ve tried resolutions. .. but I’ve never tried goals. Where the fuck have I been? I’m 33 and never had goals, I just lived. Thats probably why I haven’t finished my degree or made something official in my name. So I’m trying something different because if I don’t, I can’t blame anyone but myself.

I will go into this year with what I used to have and used to cherish; my optimism, faith and trust. I hope to leave behind my resentment, negativity and bitterness.

I will work on loving the person I see in the mirrors because that is something I used to be so proud of being able to do.

I will cherish my time but also guard it. I will spend it doing what puts me at peace, what makes me happy and what keeps me optimistic. Reading, making memories with loved ones, eating, writing, helping others.

I will cook again. Something I used to do so much more and that I stopped for no good reason other than being too “rushed/busy”. But with me getting better at how I spend my time, I will get back to cooking again and soon.

Cooking more will go back to eating better. I also will add exercise in there even though just typing it makes me cringe, I will do it more.

I will say no to things instead of maybe, because if it isn’t a definite yea…its a no.

I could go on and on but then this would turn into a draft, which I actually hate. I want to give my time to one thing until completion before starting something new. That’s another goal.

It boils down to making good habits and habits take around 30 days to stick whether it’s starting new or breaking ones. Remember these are goals being synonymous with habits and not to be confused with a resolution because we know those don’t work.


When to stop exploring.

It started because it was a thought that never left, therefore making it worth the risk to explore.  Explore what exactly….

Explore the why has it been so easy to forget others but not now. 

Explore the possibility of being worth a change in another human. 

Explore the absence of that butterfly feeling.

It ended because he was unforgettable because he is mean.  A mean you never experienced even when you deserved it.  A mean that made you repeat his words at your lowest moments.  A mean that made you question yourself in the last 30+ years.  A mean that you didn’t cause, but you are now being blamed.

It ended because he demanded you change and you did but when you asked for the smallest of things…he stayed stagnant.

It ended because although butterflies were never there you felt secure in saying “this must be an adult relationship and butterflies are for fantasies”… but they’re not.  It’s to feel so loved that it tickles even at the low moments.  I haven’t felt a tickle in way too long.

But guess what…it hasn’t ended.. I find myself continuing to explore and stay. How do we know when to stop? The good outweighs the bad most days… How do I stop measuring and just living? Making excuses because of the past… I hate doing that but I do.


xo- JC


I’ve done it..we all likely have at sometime in our life.  A small fib on your resume, a look over at someone’s test, skipping numbers during ab exercising.  But lets get real when we hear the word “cheating” we automatically think of on a spouse.

This I’ve never done. At least not by my definition of cheating. So why not?

1- Cheating is an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a human being. A human being that you’ve shared your time with, that you’ve shared intimacy with and maybe even your family.

2- Cheating will make me lose love not just from my spouse but for myself too. The shame and the guilt would consume me.

3- Faithfulness is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

4- I do not lack self control, discipline or commitment.

As I’ve said before, I’ve had extreme luck in my past relationships; yes even the one where I was cheated on. What it comes down to is that I CHOSE to be with this person. So who am I really cheating… My own choice, that’s who.

So all of the above is why I’ve never cheated. Its because even on the worst days, when a connection feels frayed & our rhythms are off. I dig as to why. Then, when I know the why I figure if it’s worth us working through it or is the connection and rhythm off because -this person just isn’t for me. Then guess what, your decision to stay with that person easily comes to you.

If I stay…I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change EVERYTHING and likely for forever and that’s not what I want.

Respect your choices and the people that fall under those choices.

xo- JC


I’ve never been one to make resolutions for the New Year but being how challenging 2013 was to me I decided to change that up.

-learn to say no without explaining myself
No reason for this its just a necessity for all of us.
-think before I act or say
With this also comes to stop thinking if I don’t plan on acting.
-stay in better touch
I’m horrible at calling and writing ppl in my life who I need in my life. I need to let them know more.
-read more
Because getting lost in a fictional life is fun and relaxing.
-don’t stress about things I cannot change or prevent
Work, people’s personalities…so many things that I either deal with or walk away from. Simple.
-explain my anger, don’t express it
Self explanatory and kinda goes back to the think before I act.

-cherish every day
Recent health scare with my daughter really has put this in perspective.
-put my phone down
Should be a given.
-be more patient
The never ending “why’s” is a easy opportunity to teach the right way. Reading and math fall under this too.

I will also be a better girlfriend, daughter and sister. I’m writing this in bed in NYE about to nap to be able to stay up till the new year. So I won’t list those out right now…

Happy New Year

xo- JC

The Unspoken Rule

Relationships are hard; can’t get any simpler than that statement. And I mean ALL relationships not just spouses but also the relationships between friends, family and co-workers.

I’ve always been one to walk away pretty easy from relationships that are one sided or ones that don’t enrich me. What’s the point of doing things for someone when they don’t even think enough of you to do the same?

Now with that said; I do understand that we all have different personalities, that some people just don’t “get it”. They don’t know how to be compassionate or show their emotions…whatever it might be. And I will hold your hand as if you’re a baby taking the first steps but guess what I can only hold your hand for so long before I get tired, before I feel taken advantage of.

I’m done crossing oceans for people that wouldn’t even jump a puddle for me.

So don’t be surprised when I start changing, when you feel something isn’t right. You may actually be right…If you’re still in my life, relax, let me be and humble yourself because
You Get What You Give

xo- JC

The Decision

So,  we all have that person.  That person that makes you say “what if”.  They say… we all have that person.

I really didn’t think I had one.  I do.  And he’s back.

Now what?

He’s saying the right things but most importantly his actions are showing his changes.  Did he change because of you, no.  Did he change because of someone else, probably.  But…because he’s the “what if” in your life you want to think optimistically and say he did it on his own.  He’s the person that you saw in him this whole time.

So, do you put yourself out there?

We can make a pro and con list.  We can make excuses as to no but this is your “what if” person.  Do you let the other ones that are present now go?  Do you take the risk?  Do you ignore the doubts?


I’m strong.  I know I am.  The fact that I am debating this sucks.  But…it doesn’t make me weak.  I’m strong because I realize the only reason I’m debating it is because the first time around; I didn’t give him my all.  I was in my I’m staying single mentality.  I wasn’t myself.  I didn’t open up.

Do I do that now?