Gray

I’m going to start this with saying – my daughter, up until the age of about 7-8 could only think in black and white because she hadn’t developed the cognitive skills required to see both sides of an issue or situation. Fast forward to 11 and I’m introducing her to gray and that it’s okay.

“Being in the gray” is looked at as a negative thing – as if not fair or not balanced. It’s ironic since the color gray matches with anything so why can’t the mindset of gray go with anything too?

You’ve heard the term “middle ground”… the color of that ground is gray; sometimes a light gray almost white or a dark gray almost black. You get close to the black and white but not quite there and it’s okay, in fact correct that you’re neither all in or all out. Maybe you have a toe in or maybe even a few toes but that heel is still on that gray like wait no hold up I’m not convinced.

I’ve always been one to sit back and relish in the gray of my life. I am one that thinks it is rare that most situations are truly clear without any gray area in the middle. And I am also the one that thinks if everything was that I’d be bored as hell.

Because I embrace the gray I’ve been called selfish and weird and I’m okay with both of those adjectives. You’ll also hear that because of this you aren’t loyal and that you should not be trusted on anything at all. Read that one a couple times – shit doesn’t even sound right. There are levels to life – levels to situations – levels to our thoughts; it is not black and white.

So yeah call me weird or selfish, that’s your opinion and that is never wrong because guess what an opinion is yours.

xo – JC

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Hey you, teenage self – come here and read this!

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is be intentional. Intentional in all aspects of your life; from your daily interactions, to your job, to your relationships and family – absolutely EVERY aspect of your life.

What do I mean by being intentional? In simple term, is it necessary. Is where you are putting your energy and allowing it to stress you necessary? What are you allowing people to know about you? It can even be used when you waste money on something and then put it in the back of the closet or under the bed; only to find it a year later and trash it because you never needed it. What if you were intentional that day at the store and asked yourself, what will I need this for?

These questions can save you a lot of time and keep you from questioning your actions and decisions. I think I’ve said it before whether in prior posts or not… I used to love that I went with the flow and lived in the moment. Now as a vieja (old woman) I know that it isn’t ideal, my life has passed so quickly because I didn’t live it with intention.

Intentionality brings greater quality

Now to talk to the 2019 humans… think about it when you just start scrolling on social media – is it mindlessly or intentional? Are you in a kind frame of mind and really want to see pictures of your friends or are you just wasting time by scrolling; not liking, not reading the caption and avoiding? Isn’t social media to connect? For example, I see a sunset and I double click to like it because damn those ombre colors and the wave crashing and shit I can’t ever get a pic like that. So I like it and keep scrolling but then it comes up later that day and I take the time to actually read the caption. I now know that the person drove to the beach at 5am because they couldn’t sleep all night and wanted to get there fore the 6am sunrise and see if that would help the “funk” they were in. Now I know shit it wasn’t just a dope picture; they are going through something, so maybe reach out to them in a dm or even if you know their number in a text.

We could even go deeper – let’s not live just to pay our bills or have a lot of friends just to say you did instead of quality friends that know your heart and soul deeply. What are you passionate about? What are my priorities?

Understand your why.. and remember it’s fluid.

Let’s stop with instant gratification when we all know prolonged gratification is the icing (cream cheese or buttercream for me) to life.

xx- JC

2015

Woke up today with two precious people in my life and one of the first things I did was fill out a new year declaration on Instagram. I also deleted the 4 drafts I had on here that I continued to go back to for the last 2 months.

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So something I’ve never done is make goals. I’ve tried changing, I’ve tried resolutions. .. but I’ve never tried goals. Where the fuck have I been? I’m 33 and never had goals, I just lived. Thats probably why I haven’t finished my degree or made something official in my name. So I’m trying something different because if I don’t, I can’t blame anyone but myself.

I will go into this year with what I used to have and used to cherish; my optimism, faith and trust. I hope to leave behind my resentment, negativity and bitterness.

I will work on loving the person I see in the mirrors because that is something I used to be so proud of being able to do.

I will cherish my time but also guard it. I will spend it doing what puts me at peace, what makes me happy and what keeps me optimistic. Reading, making memories with loved ones, eating, writing, helping others.

I will cook again. Something I used to do so much more and that I stopped for no good reason other than being too “rushed/busy”. But with me getting better at how I spend my time, I will get back to cooking again and soon.

Cooking more will go back to eating better. I also will add exercise in there even though just typing it makes me cringe, I will do it more.

I will say no to things instead of maybe, because if it isn’t a definite yea…its a no.

I could go on and on but then this would turn into a draft, which I actually hate. I want to give my time to one thing until completion before starting something new. That’s another goal.

It boils down to making good habits and habits take around 30 days to stick whether it’s starting new or breaking ones. Remember these are goals being synonymous with habits and not to be confused with a resolution because we know those don’t work.

XX-JC

Me

We all know the importance of loving, appreciating and celebrating ones self.  You know what they say… you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.  I get it, I believe it and guess what I love the fuck out of myself.  Why, do you ask?
I’m relaxed.  Rarely do I get riled up over anything.  I’m a free spirit,  a liberal, a lover of people, accepting of people.

I’m open-minded. I crave for a world of happiness without judgement.  Everyone should live life how they want to live their life; they are the ones paying for their life; its common sense to me.  BE HAPPY.

I’m confident.  I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone.  If you don’t like how I live, that’s fine.  I really don’t care.  I don’t live to please other people.

I’m forgiving.  I have been hurt a few times over by people I never thought would hurt me.  But guess what…I realize that they are now happier; so who am I to hate on that. No one; I won’t stop anyone from being happy. EVER.  Holding onto anger or resent is poison.  Poison isn’t welcomed in my life.

I’m reflective.  I look back on things that have happened in my life; I consider and ponder how they have impacted me for good or bad because of course there are things I have done I shouldn’t have done, things I have said that I wish to take back but guess what “it is what it is”.

I’m compassionate.    I consider myself and confident others see me as a good person.  I care about others and work on helping others when I am able to whether that’s with an ear or a hand.  This goes back to being forgiving also.

I’m understanding.  Sometimes I think this is a weakness but it’s really quite nice too.  I have the ability to understand how others feel, even if I’ve never been through the same experience.  I tend to give people slack or make excuses for others actions, this is the weakness in being understanding.  I hate that I make excuses for others.

I’m confident.  This is not cocky or stuck up.  I just have a good self-image about myself (for the most part) and I believe I do deserve the best.

I’m adaptable.  No other choice; things rarely go my way, but I get over it pretty quick & keep on moving.  I also am able to be thrown in front of any scene/group/person and will adapt, I will be comfortable.

I’m humorous.  I don’t take myself too seriously, and really try to find humor in most aspects of my life.

I’m full of initiative.   I tend to be a leader and take the first step in a group setting and in a relationship.

I want to be more though, I want to be BALANCED, I want to always be LEARNING, I want to be more INTUITIVE.  Lord let’s not turn this into what I’m not, HA!  So there I am summed up.  Yes, I know you all cared.

XO -JC

Parenting To Me

If I was a frog I’d be alone on my tadpole when it came to parenting. I know that we all parent different, I don’t judge you but shit you sure as hell judge me. Is it because I am not married to her father? Maybe is it because you are just a judgmental prick, more likely. I parent with common sense. Can you say the same?

I was never that person who thought of being a parent, honestly never even crossed my mind but then I got pregnant. I can’t even remember the emotion I was feeling but my partner was great and I knew that our families would be great and I was financially able to so I said… let’s do this! Yes, there was a lot more thought into it but why bore you with all that.

I look at my daughter and can’t believe I grew her in my belly.. I feel this overwhelming emotion of love for her. This happens about once a day and it’s the favorite part of my day. And us as parents see our child as perfect in our eyes but come on, they are far from perfect, just as we are. They are human, you know – we didn’t create them out of bells & glitter so guess what (drumroll) YOUR CHILD IS NOT PERFECT. Remember this as you keep reading.

Have you ever thought why us as adults are able to have a bad day, but we don’t let kids have these days? This is silly, we have cranky moods, we get tired, we have moods that come with disrespectful tones, we have our own opinions; yet our children can’t? Stop holding your child to a higher standard that you can’t even reach yourself! Realize that your child has their own personality; not yours. We as their parent should understand that sometimes your child’s personality doesn’t match your own but guess what… you as the adult need to DEAL WITH IT. Change yourself to mold them how their personality needs to be molded, loved & cared for.

Let me tell you how I have parented thus far and how I plan to continue to parent.

I will give her the freedom to express all her emotions, yes this could be embarrassing; can include tantrums, yelling, etc… you know the things that would make others and even yourself think “oh wow that kid is a fucking brat”.

I will allow her to make her own choices. As we know our own choices lead to responsibility.

I want her to express herself; her likes, dislikes, wants and needs. I mean this is something that she’ll be doing the rest of her life why not get her used to it; aren’t that what parents are suppose do ..prepare the children to live?

I’m not going to shelter her to get her there, I’m not going to keep her from reality happening. Whether it’s the pains of reality or the joy of reality. She will not be sheltered.

I will give her the freedom to make the best choice for herself. She will learn her own lessons.

I will give her the comfort to speak to me about her feelings, her hurts, her disappointments… her life.

I will answer her questions honestly and with patience.

Doing the above will assure her that she can handle ANYTHING that life throws at her and will give her the skills she needs to do exactly that.

My biggest fear is being oblivious to my children’s sufferings as my parents were to mine… my ultimate goal is to be her safe haven, her place to talk freely about anything whether it breaks my heart and makes me want to crawl in a hole or not.

I’m not someone who prays but I do hope & wish when it comes to my daughter. I hope to demonstrate her inner peace, the importance of an open mind & I wish for her to be happy with herself no matter what.

I am “that kind” of parent.

XO -JC

Let’s Go Back

Let’s go back to the times where you actually have to see someone or call someone to catch up on their life.

Social media has taken over and no I’m not bashing it; I’m guilty of it but I want to get better WITHOUT it. Right now, I
scroll through my news feed on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.. but how generic is that? Of course we aren’t going to post the bad or even all the good. Maybe we’ll post something for laughs, for attention or just a response to the topic of the day -that’s not really them, not really you, not really me.

I know we are busy -trust me I don’t even get “ME” time until about 9pm every weekday and by then it’s shower & sleep (and of course scroll). But if we’re too busy to talk or visit with a friend/family, aren’t we too busy to be on social networks?

I start looking down my friends list on Facebook and I’m like -dude we never talked in high school or college why are we even friends on this? Do we even care about each others lives or are we friends to see what’s going on in your life? To be nosey, what a horrible character trait but the majority us have it.

I want to know what’s happening in your life and while you are telling me I want to look in your eyes, I want to hear your voice change, I want to see your hand gestures, your facial expressions -all those things that make you, you.

I’m not saying I’m getting rid of social media. Quite frankly, its my escape -from mommy, from claims specialist, from myself. What I am saying is that I will make a conscious effort to reach out to those that I care about; I want to hear your voice, see your face -I want REAL connection back.

Don’t you?

XO -JC

But

I want so badly to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.  I’m lazy, yet I want so much. 

I say I don’t care, but truth is I care too much that I’m embarrassed.  I like attention, but reject it when I get it. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed because I’m not sad, but I’m not exactly happy either.  I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but leave me alone and it’s almost like my thoughts decide to not like me.

I’m constantly seeking, but I’m also running away.  I love you, but I can hate you too.  I create my own storm, but then get pissed when it rains.

I am faithful, but detached.  Committed, but relaxed.  Passionate, but platonic.  I want to be the best, but I don’t want to try.

They say if one understands her/his own self, then that person is an absolute supreme soul.  I don’t know to you, but to me that sounds
like a lot of pressure!  I mean… a SUPREME SOUL, that’s a big deal.

I. A paradox? Possibly..

xo- JC

Beyond…

The past 2 months have been ‘something’. It started with a week away from my home.. a time where I talked to my two older sisters while also myself. Even did some meditating & jogging (ok ok only once). One sister is to the point- go with your heart, while the other is fuck that find yourself completely then adjust the people in your life accordingly. I choose that route – which came with some questions.

These questions were simple that we all should be able to answer in a instant and I couldn’t. That was quite an eye opener; how can I ask or demand from the people in my life without really knowing what I want and need. These questions that she asked me were more of HOW to get things when inner demons of your own or the other person (lover, friend, family member) are fighting with us. Deep for me, I know. Stay with me though..
**What’s a coincidence is that I tweeted this just 6 days before this talk with my sisters: “Take the LOVE out. Take your HEART out. Because if your MIND isn’t at peace…it will fail, whether now or down the road…”

For example..some questions:
Why don’t you do the things you know you should be doing?
When this person leaves you are you fulfilled?
Thinking of the future and kids are gone to college what do you wanna do? Does that person support that?
What is your goals/aspirations now and in future. Who can help you get there?
Do you really trust yourself and have YOUR best interests in mind?

Took me 2 months to think of these answers…I have them now. No you nosey fucks I won’t share them. They are quite private. I even did a personality test.

I’m an introvert but want people to think I’m an extrovert
I’m selfish
I don’t trust
I overEVERYTHING (overthink, overanalyze, overdo things)
I’m inconsistent
I’m naive

So yeah I pretty much suck. They say “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I don’t deserve good love.. fuck.

Let’s think of the positives..

I’m passionate
I believe in a lot of things
I’m loyal to a fault
I care
I listen to myself and am okay with no one else understanding

Some days, I feel everything. Other days, I feel nothing at all; but I’ll smile during both those days…

XO – JC

Just a Few of My Lessons…I read this every few days

life lessons

-associate yourself with people of good quality

-make yourself simple but significant

-ignore a lot

-when ppl show you who they are, believe them the 1st time

-don’t have expectations

-If you have to cry, go outside

-don’t be reckless with other peoples heart

-if it is right, it happens

-don’t hurry

-be open to whatever comes next

-be curious, not judgmental

-say less..mean more

-don’t be easily defined

-be truthful but gentle

-don’t be afraid of making mistakes

-If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough

-call yourself on your own bullshit

-do your best to forget

-its ok to not be ok

-refuse to be disrespected

-smile

-just because you feel it, doesn’t mean its there on the other side

-it is what it is, it was what it was

-pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

-doesn’t hurt to ask

-assume the good, doubt the bad

-only you tell & show ppl what you are worth

-never ruin an apology with an excuse

-we are what we repeatedly do

-laugh at yourself

I always add to this but just wanted to share.

xo – JC