The Ultimate Act

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Goodness. Deep…but it should be; forgiving is the ultimate act us humans can do.  

Maybe you felt inadequate, unlovable, sad…but guess what, no one should allow you to feel this way so the biggest realization is having to forgive yourself for letting them break you down. That’s the big piece we forget most during the process, you allowed it therefore you have to forgive yourself first.

Try this, close your eyes and let your mind become engulfed in unpleasant memories, shitty emotions and the feelings you covered for so long. Forgive yourself then bring in the person that you ALLOWED …and forgive that person too.

Forgiveness also has to come in your own time. No one else’s but your own. Shit I didn’t forgive someone for 3 years. Life.

I’m no expert and no I haven’t forgiven everyone that I need to… I’m actually currently working on forgiving a very important person to me but hitting roadblock after roadblock.

No matter what, we MUST FORGIVE; must let go of the anger and resentment.

So, how do we know if we have indeed forgiven? Is it when, when you don’t want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you? Or is it when it leaves your subconscious mind as though you had amnesia?

I’m honestly not sure, but… I do know that when you do forgive… you will feel FREE & what better feeling than freedom?
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XO -JC

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Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.

XO -JC

A Broken Heart

Alone. Humiliated. Shocked. Scared. Disgusted. Betrayed. Uncontrollable.

Imagine feeling these emotions and then your body begins giving up on you…. groaning with pain, so nauseaus that you are gagging even actually vomiting, have so many tears you are certain you are going to die of dehydration, legs so weak that you are holding onto the wall or counter for support, walking around with little to no sleep.

I mean shit, how much can one person withstand.

Doesn’t matter what brought you here, a lost of a soul, a job..whatever it may be. You are heartbroken; literally feel your heart breaking and wishing that you had the ability to reach inside your chest and just hold it.

You guys this is a serious condition even spoken of by The American Heart Association. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#mainContent

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

You know what though relish in this feeling. This means that you are alive; you genuinely loved someone else. You got to a place where many can’t. Relish in this.

So now what?

Know that we can not control what happens, but we can control what you do with it. Yes you can keep busy, but what you need to do is use your optimism.

❤Remember, you are never completely alone, as long as you are true to the person in the mirror.

❤Know that you will come out of this stronger & wiser.

❤Remember, you will get over it. Happiness will come, it just takes strength, a lil selfishness and patience.

❤Remember it’s okay to not forget. Like a sprained foot, it’s healed & you can walk but when the weather is cold or the thunderstorm arrives; you feel it again.. temporarily.

After all, a broken heart is treatable.

XO -JC

Me

We all know the importance of loving, appreciating and celebrating ones self.  You know what they say… you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.  I get it, I believe it and guess what I love the fuck out of myself.  Why, do you ask?
I’m relaxed.  Rarely do I get riled up over anything.  I’m a free spirit,  a liberal, a lover of people, accepting of people.

I’m open-minded. I crave for a world of happiness without judgement.  Everyone should live life how they want to live their life; they are the ones paying for their life; its common sense to me.  BE HAPPY.

I’m confident.  I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone.  If you don’t like how I live, that’s fine.  I really don’t care.  I don’t live to please other people.

I’m forgiving.  I have been hurt a few times over by people I never thought would hurt me.  But guess what…I realize that they are now happier; so who am I to hate on that. No one; I won’t stop anyone from being happy. EVER.  Holding onto anger or resent is poison.  Poison isn’t welcomed in my life.

I’m reflective.  I look back on things that have happened in my life; I consider and ponder how they have impacted me for good or bad because of course there are things I have done I shouldn’t have done, things I have said that I wish to take back but guess what “it is what it is”.

I’m compassionate.    I consider myself and confident others see me as a good person.  I care about others and work on helping others when I am able to whether that’s with an ear or a hand.  This goes back to being forgiving also.

I’m understanding.  Sometimes I think this is a weakness but it’s really quite nice too.  I have the ability to understand how others feel, even if I’ve never been through the same experience.  I tend to give people slack or make excuses for others actions, this is the weakness in being understanding.  I hate that I make excuses for others.

I’m confident.  This is not cocky or stuck up.  I just have a good self-image about myself (for the most part) and I believe I do deserve the best.

I’m adaptable.  No other choice; things rarely go my way, but I get over it pretty quick & keep on moving.  I also am able to be thrown in front of any scene/group/person and will adapt, I will be comfortable.

I’m humorous.  I don’t take myself too seriously, and really try to find humor in most aspects of my life.

I’m full of initiative.   I tend to be a leader and take the first step in a group setting and in a relationship.

I want to be more though, I want to be BALANCED, I want to always be LEARNING, I want to be more INTUITIVE.  Lord let’s not turn this into what I’m not, HA!  So there I am summed up.  Yes, I know you all cared.

XO -JC

I Picked A Few Times

How amazing is it that we get to pick the people we allow into our life? Let me tell you about a few of my choices….

I picked you because it was safe.  I knew you would never hurt me with lies, other women, you would never hurt me with hands or words.  You opened doors, complimented genuinely, brushed the hair off my face and most importantly, offered me the last bite of your food… most of the times.

I picked you because simply, I couldn’t do anything but think about you. Me someone who hates anything to do with numbers would count the hours until I’d see you again.  you made this lazy woman feel energized, excited and loved.  Even had me thinking of the future.

I picked you because there was none of that unnecessary and unsettling drama. You had this ability to balance me, give me order and calm me.
I picked you because it was just real, no stay up all night conversations about our fantasy life together, no butterflies. ..just real.

I picked you because you refused to let me be reticent. Wanting to hear me talk about the my favorite soap opera (General Hospital), work woes, food. No need for religion or politics…just wanted me to talk about anything.

Sounds great, right? But something was still missing; been lucky to have all these…but not quite lucky enough to have them all in one person.
Is it even tangible?

XO -JC

Loving The Same?

I’ve come across a lot of blogs, quotes, status updates lately…that basically say “find someone who loves like you”.  Now usually, I don’t even give it a thought but lately I have been and seem to agree with it. Hear me out.

I wholeheartedly feel a big part of the fun in a relationship are the differences.  You know that whole “Where you lack, I pick up” or “What you don’t know, I teach you” and “lets have a naked debate” (don’t judge me) excitement. All of that is fun, even the talking through and learning new things from it times and yes I still think that applies to a lot of things in a relationship but not when it comes to HOW you love. 

There isn’t a right way to love someone…just different ways, unique ways… YOUR way. And when I really think about it, I believe that when people in a relationship do not love the same, chances are, they won’t understand each other. If they don’t understand each other and spend more time trying to do that than enjoying it, the downhill slope is inevitable.

For example, what if one loves through action and not through words but that’s how the other loves. Actions speak louder than words (says the popular vote) but what if actions can’t be done because the other isn’t getting the words of affirmation needed to make them WANT to act?

Or what if one risks it all for sake of the relationship, for the sake of love but the other just soaks it up instead of reciprocating. Then the one that gave it all… begins to resent or just gets to the max and drops it all off the shoulders, what then? If the other isn’t the type to carry it, it’s going to die, that’s what.

Firsthand knowledge has taught me that if you love differently you’ll constantly bump heads, someone’s needs and wants won’t be met, simple things that shouldn’t affect the bond now do, things that would normally be overlooked are now magnified. Giving examples will lend y’all too much insight on my life but you’re intelligent, I know you get what I’m saying.

And yes accept others how they are but when it comes to love, there are expectations even from the most liberal, understanding, optimistic person. Love is so fragile that it requires expectations.

I’m now (for today) a believer of finding someone who loves like you love. Good luck ☺

Single person…not a single parent

Ok so I haven’t written about me being a mom in quite a while and if I’m honest with myself it’s because I’m being selfish.  My writing is when I’m alone in bed after a long day of working, being a mom, being a girlfriend, a confidante, etc… I am these things every day.  These things rule my thoughts,  my emotions, my soul..basically my life. I’m okay with that.

So now that I started this article for a whole other reason and I’ve gone completely left, let me go back to the title.

You are not a single parent if the other parent supports your child with emotion, with financial help or with physical time. Do us a favor and stop declaring yourself a single parent if you get any of those three. You get help, you get a day or a few to be “off duty”, you both discipline her, you make decisions together (at least I hope), your child’s personality has a chance to have both of you in it.

But guess what, not all people are that lucky.

Think about it… I’m sure we all know someone who is a TRUE single parent. Someone whose child hasn’t met, spoken to or even seen their other parent. That is a single mother or single father someone who can’t even get $1/week because that person has beat the system and is missing.

Don’t get me wrong I’m very aware that there are situations where maybe you are getting “help” but it comes with complexity. I obviously am not speaking to every single parent. We all have our own situations; good, bad, crazy, sporadic… whatever it may be.

But think about it…what if your child didn’t even know there other parent. That one person had to make all the decisions, one person bear all the financial responsibilities, one person that had to raise a respectful adult. Even 2 parents that are raising their child together question if they’re doing it right. Now imagine one. Yeah, exactly…so let’s just try to be a little more sensitive, a little more appreciative, a little more compassionate, a little less judgemental of each other. Just try it.

XO -JC

When to stop exploring.

It started because it was a thought that never left, therefore making it worth the risk to explore.  Explore what exactly….

Explore the why has it been so easy to forget others but not now.  Explore the possibility of being worth a change in another human.  Explore the absence of that butterfly feeling.

It ended because he was unforgettable because he is mean.  A mean you never experienced even when you deserved it.  A mean that made you repeat his words at your lowest moments.  A mean that made you question yourself as a person for the last 30 years.  A mean that you didn’t cause but you are now being blamed.

It ended because he demanded you change and you did but when you asked for the smallest of things…he stayed stagnant.

It ended because although butterflies were never there you felt secure in saying “this must be an adult relationship and butterflies are for fantasies”… but they’re not.  It’s to feel so loved that it tickles even at the low moments.  I haven’t felt a tickle in way too long.

But guess what…it hasn’t ended.. I find myself continuing to explore and stay. How do we know when to stop? The good outweighs the bad most days… How do I stop measuring and just living? Making excuses because of the past… I hate doing that but I do.

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xo- JC

Cheating

I’ve done it..we all likely have at sometime in our life.  A small fib on your resume, a look over at someone’s test, skipping numbers during ab exercising.  But lets get real when we hear the word “cheating” we automatically think of on a spouse.

This I’ve never done. At least not by my definition of cheating. So why not?

1- Cheating is an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a human being. A human being that you’ve shared your time with, that you’ve shared intimacy with and maybe even your family.

2- Cheating will make me lose love not just from my spouse but for myself too. The shame and the guilt would consume me.

3- Faithfulness is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

4- I do not lack self control, discipline or commitment.

As I’ve said before, I’ve had extreme luck in my past relationships; yes even the one where I was cheated on. What it comes down to is that I CHOSE to be with this person. So who am I really cheating… My own choice, that’s who.

So all of the above is why I’ve never cheated. Its because even on the worst days, when a connection feels frayed & our rhythms are off. I dig as to why. Then, when I know the why I figure if it’s worth us working through it or is the connection and rhythm off because -this person just isn’t for me. Then guess what, your decision to stay with that person easily comes to you.

If I stay…I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change EVERYTHING and likely for forever and that’s not what I want.

Respect your choices and the people that fall under those choices.

xo- JC

But

I want so badly to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.  I’m lazy, yet I want so much. 

I say I don’t care, but truth is I care too much that I’m embarrassed.  I like attention, but reject it when I get it. 
 
I wouldn’t say I’m depressed because I’m not sad, but I’m not exactly happy either.  I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but leave me alone and it’s almost like my thoughts decide to not like me.
 
I’m constantly seeking, but I’m also running away.  I love you, but I can hate you too.  I create my own storm, but then get pissed when it rains.
 
I am faithful, but detached.  Committed, but relaxed.  Passionate, but platonic.  I want to be the best, but I don’t want to try.
 
 
They say if one understands her/his own self, then that person is an absolute supreme soul.  I don’t know to you, but to me that sounds
like a lot of pressure!  I mean… a SUPREME SOUL, that’s a big deal.
 
 
I. A paradox? Possibly..
 
 
 

 

xo- JC