Until It Was More

Within minutes of getting to know each other it felt different. Living hours apart, the first few months were just by phone before we met in person, that wasn’t by choice though – our schedules were different and neither of us had the free time that would’ve been required. That didn’t keep us from talking about it all the time; and looking back at it now the anticipation made it that much better, that more different.

Unbeknownst to us, we were building our foundation of magic.

Not a day went by when we weren’t spending hours chatting via text and phone asking each other questions getting to know each other, talking about each other’s day and getting input on world events, politics, social issues – absolutely everything. I never had the comfort nor confidence to share my incomplete views or my dark thoughts with any one before and with him it was so natural that I didn’t even know I was doing it. It wasn’t until after and I was laying in bed replaying the day and I was dumbfounded by what I shared but I smiled about it. This was so consistent.

If I had to stop right there and think about how to describe us pre-meet, it would be a space to breathe freely because could this shit about “my person” be true.

We were both able to share certain things with each other because of the trust we felt, we trusted that the other wasn’t judging or taking notes on the craziness of the other. I wouldn’t be surprised if I used the word “bestie” within days, I mean I hope not because I’m usually cooler than that but honestly I shared things that my best friend of 27 years did not know. I won’t pretend I didn’t have a crush, I did but what I really had was a friend, a dare I say twin soul – so I didn’t hang onto the crush. I mean I didn’t push it to the back of my head either but I definitely told myself I am becoming more emotionally available but he isn’t – so besties it is. After a few months we decided to meet in person because he was in town and how crazy that we wouldn’t make the time to meet being that this was the first time we would be within minutes of each other. So I was meeting my friend, in person, no big deal right?

Wrong – that night we met in person was a complete mind fuck.

He got there before me. I walked in and he turned around from the bar stool, the moment our eyes met, my smile grew while his did the same and just like that, I knew this not only was going to be fun, but shit I was in trouble. I’m going to be honest here – I didn’t find him wildly attractive in person, he was definitely handsome but I’ve had butterfly feelings before; I’ve even sweated profusely before – but this was nothing like that, it was a feeling of peace. I know what I would want right now if I was reading this and that would be details. I will say this, my pussy throbbed for the first time in many years with just conversation and someone who hates PDA, no longer did that night. It was like I entered euphoria, forgetting he wasn’t available. I knew what was happening pretty quickly, the difference of this first meet from the many others I’ve had was apparent. He would’ve fucked me that night and been fine. If I had fucked him, I would become a stalker – I would not just want more, I would need more. As we drove away from each other that night, it should’ve ended – but it didn’t.

I knew he would be a part of my life forever.

Since that night, my life has been more complete, more enjoyable. Remember we didn’t live in the same city – his presence was felt every day despite that. I was fulfilled in a way that I probably will never be able to describe, trust me I have tried a few times. I wanted so much more with this person, but I also now understood the “I’ll take whatever I can get” mentality for the first time ever. I dated others, but not fairly – I tried not to compare but what I did find myself doing was attempting to replicate and that failed. To be honest, I didn’t try hard – I probably should’ve stopped talking with him so much, I probably should’ve not met him a few more times in person but I did. We continued to get to know one another in this free space, in a place that had no pressure.

Describing it as this moment would be be, raw and intimate; it was deep and powerful.

This little free open world of ours that I call our “-ship” continued and it turned into love. I can’t tell you when I knew I loved him as more than a friend, I can tell you that I didn’t care if he would ever feel this way about me. I never told him I loved him, I never would have I don’t think. Me loving him was always enough because he was it, my person.

But then he joined me in love.

When he told me that he loved me, I didn’t know how much I needed to hear those words or how hearing those words would change me. I went from a moment of shock, to surreal to what felt like a switch go off – a switch that made me want to hop off my seat and start this life together right this second… but we couldn’t. Remember when I told you that when we met we were both emotionally unavailable. Well, I got over that quicker than him and he got to a place where he was able to accept his feelings for me while still not being fully emotionally available. I can’t speak for him on that but I can say that it was and is hard and it is scary for me but of course for him. I don’t have the happy ending but I also don’t think I have a ending at all.

I do have a ending for this thought session of mine, what I am experiencing is a detached love, a love that takes in another person whole, accepting and loving them as they are. It is a love that is free, so free that at any time it could change. A love that is so open that we share our darkest thoughts even if the other person feels that sting. This is a love that has no outlook of time, no promises, no expectations and most importantly no conditions. It is open, vulnerable, raw, deep and so absolutely mind blowing. Detached love is risky and as we all know, all risks require courage.

Courage that requires two.

xo, JC

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