Breaking Up

Breaking up with someone is hard no matter the situation. But guess what there will be break ups in our lives that will be rewarding, ones that will be a surprise and ones that will be confusing.  And they are all okay.

Now what about if you are the one doing the breaking and actually want it to end amicably…I’ve experienced a few amicable breakups and no that doesn’t make me a expert at it but just wanting to give my take on it.

What does amicable mean?

Let me first say that I get that being rejected hurts, it can make you angry, and can be confusing; with saying that I also get that it’s unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to be able to switch to being friends with you…but an acquaintance should be attainable.  So amicable could mean leaving the dreadful conversation with both understanding how this happened and accepting it, maybe even a hug? Then maybe months or years down the line when you run into each other at the grocer or an event you greet each other, maybe even quickly catching up on each others lives. I mean this is someone who you once saw or spoke to daily, you cared for this person, you aren’t just going to get amnesia to that.

So in my opinion there are three keys to have an amicable breakup.

Key #1 – it shouldn’t be a quick decision; it shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person. You should of been talking about the issues, the hurt whatever it may be for a while now.   You know it, the other person knows something has changed… we as humans do this thing where we silently remove ourselves from the relationship emotionally before we do physically, it’s bad.  You know like the fake sex, resentment even in the little things that may even have been cute to you before.

Key #2 -you as the breaker have to be set on your decision.  Make sure you’re being honest with yourself; you can’t back peddle because the other person cries or even fights the breakup. For me this means pausing my emotion to the side in order to balance logic & reason; and there’s no time frame that will help you get either of those things.  In order for the possibility of it being amicable, it must be a set decision in the breakers mind and heart.

Key #3 -be ready for the anxiety, guilt, and conflict.  No matter how long you’ve been together, whether just a dating relationship or a marriage — you as the breaker will go through all of those things.  Be ready for it and stand strong during those.

How beautiful is “We just weren’t meant to be and I understand that now.  I’ve been angry with you to keep from being angry with myself -for a lot of different reasons, some of which have nothing to do with you. But I’m releasing that and I’m releasing you.”

And remember this there is no right way to do the actual break up; do it however you want to do it fuck what everyone thinks.   Oh and guess what?

You are entitled to your feelings.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You’re allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat.
You are not a bad person.

XO -JC

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Boundaries Aren’t Bad

Goodness I’ve missed writing.

So guess what I did in the first 20 days of this year? I actually went outside of myself and sought “help” with a professional.  3 sessions down and I fell in love with her; not like Tony Soprano where I want to smash but genuinely love her for getting me to a place where I likely would never have gotten to.  A place that makes me realize being somewhat of a “floater” is not always a good thing.  

A floater? I always was proud of accepting people for who they are, no expectations, living in the moment and really just open to anything; in other words, liberal as hell.  Now don’t get me wrong I still am liberal but I now realize I need to have a structure/foundation to it because it has left me unsatisfied with aspects of my life. I needed BOUNDARIES in my life. Boundaries are something I never had but am now looking forward to and now do have and am proud to stand by them.  

I now have a list of what I want in a spouse, in a friend and with family members (I’m still working on a career list). Now when the counselor told me this list idea; I was resistant because we should accept people how they are, right? But your list doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting them, its just maybe they aren’t for you to hold close to your life. This list could be whatever you want from physical traits to personality traits; basically what are YOUR deal breakers.

Apply this in your friendships, relationships, career, family; EVERYTHING.  I’ve came to realize I had certain needs that I wasn’t getting because I didn’t even know I had those needs or wants.  I never took the time to really think about it, write them down and then make the people in my life abide to them and guess what if they don’t abide by them…you simply say “bye”.

It sounds harsh, I know as I told you I was resistant to it but shit it makes sense.

Now believe me I’ve never been a list maker; I mean not even for groceries or Christmas.  But think about it, if you go into something without really knowing what you expect, what you will accept, what you could forgive, etc.. the other person really can’t be held to anything. I mean yes certain things are common sense but a lot of little things can add up to big things. For example, toilet paper rolling from the top or actually utilizing the damn laundry basket instead of the floor or not using the decorative towels in the bathroom. And yes it sounds corny as hell but make a list of your deal breakers and let the person know…. because if they do not know these things and do these things, you will grow resentment and they didn’t even know they are doing wrong in your eyes and probably speeding up your internal time bomb.  

So, try it. State your wants, your needs, your boundaries, etc and avoid that “I didn’t know” discussion and then the “need for a change” discussion. Makes sense, right?

But don’t forget, you must stick to your list. Don’t be embarrassed by them, they are yours and even if you are the only one that agrees, that is all that is needed, YOU.

Xo, JC

A Broken Heart

Alone. Humiliated. Shocked. Scared. Disgusted. Betrayed. Uncontrollable.

Imagine feeling these emotions and then your body begins giving up on you…. groaning with pain, so nauseaus that you are gagging even actually vomiting, have so many tears you are certain you are going to die of dehydration, legs so weak that you are holding onto the wall or counter for support, walking around with little to no sleep.

I mean shit, how much can one person withstand.

Doesn’t matter what brought you here, a lost of a soul, a job..whatever it may be. You are heartbroken; literally feel your heart breaking and wishing that you had the ability to reach inside your chest and just hold it.

You guys this is a serious condition even spoken of by The American Heart Association. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#mainContent

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

You know what though relish in this feeling. This means that you are alive; you genuinely loved someone else. You got to a place where many can’t. Relish in this.

So now what?

Know that we can not control what happens, but we can control what you do with it. Yes you can keep busy, but what you need to do is use your optimism.

❤Remember, you are never completely alone, as long as you are true to the person in the mirror.

❤Know that you will come out of this stronger & wiser.

❤Remember, you will get over it. Happiness will come, it just takes strength, a lil selfishness and patience.

❤Remember it’s okay to not forget. Like a sprained foot, it’s healed & you can walk but when the weather is cold or the thunderstorm arrives; you feel it again.. temporarily.

After all, a broken heart is treatable.

XO -JC

The Questions

Many of us have been cheated on and if you haven’t fuck you. No but seriously, fuck you. Just kidding (not really) but it’s a pain that not even the best painkiller could help with. Your mind can think of nothing else and then enters the horrible questions that you really don’t want to know the answer to but you also do need to know especially if you are thinking of giving a second chance.

They are questions that you dare not ask because of your pride or just because it’ll sting that much more.

They are the questions that if you decide to forgive without knowing the answers to them will forever be in your head.

The questions that come to my mind are:
How often?
Where?
Better positions?
Tighter/bigger than me?
More creative?
Body more toned?
Do you cum harder?

Shit. Those could be some hard realizations if they are answered truthfully. The answers could break you and keep you from “getting over it”. The catch is they are also the questions that even if he/she answers them honestly; you already convinced your mind what the answer is. So why ask. Furthermore even knowing those answers the one question that will stay in your mind forever…

Why was I not enough?

XO -JC

I Picked A Few Times

How amazing is it that we get to pick the people we allow into our life? Let me tell you about a few of my choices….

I picked you because it was safe.  I knew you would never hurt me with lies, other women, you would never hurt me with hands or words.  You opened doors, complimented genuinely, brushed the hair off my face and most importantly, offered me the last bite of your food… most of the times.

I picked you because simply, I couldn’t do anything but think about you. Me someone who hates anything to do with numbers would count the hours until I’d see you again.  you made this lazy woman feel energized, excited and loved.  Even had me thinking of the future.

I picked you because there was none of that unnecessary and unsettling drama. You had this ability to balance me, give me order and calm me.
I picked you because it was just real, no stay up all night conversations about our fantasy life together, no butterflies. ..just real.

I picked you because you refused to let me be reticent. Wanting to hear me talk about the my favorite soap opera (General Hospital), work woes, food. No need for religion or politics…just wanted me to talk about anything.

Sounds great, right? But something was still missing; been lucky to have all these…but not quite lucky enough to have them all in one person.
Is it even tangible?

XO -JC

Resent

Resentment is evil. I’m not sure why but this time it’s bullied me and won. It’s a word that would’ve never been able to be used when describing me until recently and I’m not proud of it.

Once the optimistic, glass half full, happy person and now I struggle to think so positive. I’ve always been that person even when I went through some shit; shit that no one would have blamed me for becoming resentful about, I didn’t. I refused to allow room for resentment to come in, until now…

I resent that my self-esteem once so strong and undeterred is now so fragile.

I resent that I was once so comfortable in my own skin, yet now I’m questioning everything that was admired and loved about me.

I resent allowing to be drained emotionally and physically by giving all the effort for so long.

Most of all…I resent myself for loving someone else more than I loved myself because that is when the poison that is resentment slipped in.

XO -JC

Loving The Same?

I’ve come across a lot of blogs, quotes, status updates lately…that basically say “find someone who loves like you”.  Now usually, I don’t even give it a thought but lately I have been and seem to agree with it. Hear me out.

I wholeheartedly feel a big part of the fun in a relationship are the differences.  You know that whole “Where you lack, I pick up” or “What you don’t know, I teach you” and “lets have a naked debate” (don’t judge me) excitement. All of that is fun, even the talking through and learning new things from it times and yes I still think that applies to a lot of things in a relationship but not when it comes to HOW you love. 

There isn’t a right way to love someone…just different ways, unique ways… YOUR way. And when I really think about it, I believe that when people in a relationship do not love the same, chances are, they won’t understand each other. If they don’t understand each other and spend more time trying to do that than enjoying it, the downhill slope is inevitable.

For example, what if one loves through action and not through words but that’s how the other loves. Actions speak louder than words (says the popular vote) but what if actions can’t be done because the other isn’t getting the words of affirmation needed to make them WANT to act?

Or what if one risks it all for sake of the relationship, for the sake of love but the other just soaks it up instead of reciprocating. Then the one that gave it all… begins to resent or just gets to the max and drops it all off the shoulders, what then? If the other isn’t the type to carry it, it’s going to die, that’s what.

Firsthand knowledge has taught me that if you love differently you’ll constantly bump heads, someone’s needs and wants won’t be met, simple things that shouldn’t affect the bond now do, things that would normally be overlooked are now magnified. Giving examples will lend y’all too much insight on my life but you’re intelligent, I know you get what I’m saying.

And yes accept others how they are but when it comes to love, there are expectations even from the most liberal, understanding, optimistic person. Love is so fragile that it requires expectations.

I’m now (for today) a believer of finding someone who loves like you love. Good luck ☺

Why I don’t follow my boyfriend on social media.

Social media is how we met but I refuse to let it be why we end.

Social media has taken over many of our lives, yes I can admit it, even mine.  I’ve taken time away from it, I’ve deleted it but I always come back to it.  Why? 

Is it because everyone is doing it; telling us about their lives, letting us view their intimate photos, etc.  Or is it because it gives us the attention that many of us seek.  Or is it because it makes you forget about your own reality a bit?

My answer as to why..is all of the above.  but mostly the last one. My job is stressful…so yes I want to get lost in someone else’s problems, rant, life…for a few minutes, every now and then.

Tweet Tweet
Something you want to vent about but maybe not to anyone you know…tweet it. 140 or less characters out into the universe, sounds great to an introvert like me. My first go at twitter was fun, it was ratchet, unfiltered; much like my alter ego was let loose. 600+ followers including some famous ones.
I deleted it. For him, I know how “basic chick” of me but you know what oh well…he hated how I was on there, the things I’d share and discussions I’d partake in. I understood it as a taken women I shouldn’t tweet certain things where someone can assume. But we also weren’t at the place in our relationship, where I was confident in the relationship, to change how I tweeted. I saw it way to often on the feed and even ridiculed it myself.
I went over a year without it. I’m back now…doing it a bit different this time around. Not caring about the number of followers, or being part of the crowd. I now follow motivators, feminists, bloggers, comedians, news. I’ll admit not as “entertaining” but I still love to tweet my thoughts out into the universe with no feedback and if I do get feedback, it’s from strangers that I could care less about.

Facebook
Simple. It started this whole thing. Whether its rekindling friendships from middle school or keeping in the loop with friends and family in other states/countries, we all have a facebook. Even our parents and grandparents. It’s the easiest way to show people that you are okay, this is my child, my dog, etc.
You post a status update and you do want feedback or even a call/text… facebook.

Instagram
Following someones life in pictures only. Beyond dope. I mean really, its so cool to me and not to forget obsessed with the filters.

So now you know my insight on the different outlets, lets go back to the title…why I don’t follow him on social media?

I’m a complimenter, I always have been. I want to be a person that makes someone feel good about themselves. And guess what, I didn’t go blind because I have a boyfriend. I appreciate the hell out of people but we all have our moments of weakness, sensitivity, curiousness…me included. And its during those down moments that I don’t want to see the pictures that he “likes” and vice versa. I’m sure you all think I’m jealous or weak minded but I know I’m not. I’m not going to open the door for doubt though, that’s called stupidity.

Relationship has been going on 2 years now, communication has begun to lag here and there like most this far along. I don’t want to assume what that update or tweet meant or if it was a “sub” at me because we happen to be in a argument or whatever. Because of that, I don’t want to see his status updates. We can talk about each others day at the end of the day when we are sitting on the couch or lying in bed.

I know what yall are thinking.. what does “he” think about all this. He disagrees with my reasons and if it was up to him would follow me on all of them. Guess what “it’s ok to disagree”.

Simply put -we can share what we want to share… and guess what it doesn’t have to be every little thing that crossed our mind throughout the day or our selfies.

I feel my relationship is healthier for it. But as pops would say…. TO EACH THEIR OWN.

XO -JC

Cheating

I’ve done it..we all likely have at sometime in our life.  A small fib on your resume, a look over at someone’s test, skipping numbers during ab exercising.  But lets get real when we hear the word “cheating” we automatically think of on a spouse.

This I’ve never done. At least not by my definition of cheating. So why not?

1- Cheating is an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a human being. A human being that you’ve shared your time with, that you’ve shared intimacy with and maybe even your family.

2- Cheating will make me lose love not just from my spouse but for myself too. The shame and the guilt would consume me.

3- Faithfulness is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

4- I do not lack self control, discipline or commitment.

As I’ve said before, I’ve had extreme luck in my past relationships; yes even the one where I was cheated on. What it comes down to is that I CHOSE to be with this person. So who am I really cheating… My own choice, that’s who.

So all of the above is why I’ve never cheated. Its because even on the worst days, when a connection feels frayed & our rhythms are off. I dig as to why. Then, when I know the why I figure if it’s worth us working through it or is the connection and rhythm off because -this person just isn’t for me. Then guess what, your decision to stay with that person easily comes to you.

If I stay…I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change EVERYTHING and likely for forever and that’s not what I want.

Respect your choices and the people that fall under those choices.

xo- JC

The Unspoken Rule

Relationships are hard; can’t get any simpler than that statement. And I mean ALL relationships not just spouses but also the relationships between friends, family and co-workers.

I’ve always been one to walk away pretty easy from relationships that are one sided or ones that don’t enrich me. What’s the point of doing things for someone when they don’t even think enough of you to do the same?

Now with that said; I do understand that we all have different personalities, that some people just don’t “get it”. They don’t know how to be compassionate or show their emotions…whatever it might be. And I will hold your hand as if you’re a baby taking the first steps but guess what I can only hold your hand for so long before I get tired, before I feel taken advantage of.

I’m done crossing oceans for people that wouldn’t even jump a puddle for me.

So don’t be surprised when I start changing, when you feel something isn’t right. You may actually be right…If you’re still in my life, relax, let me be and humble yourself because
You Get What You Give

xo- JC