I’ve alwaye been told that me just being around makes people feel good; that I exude a good energy that can’t be described. You would think I take it as a compliment, right? And I do, for the most part. It’s a lie if someone told you it wasn’t dope to be able to do that for other people BUT I think I unconsciously was doing myself harm throughout the years.
Harm because I felt the need to continue to do it even when I wasn’t at my best.
I smiled when I didn’t want, I showed enthusiasm when I really wasn’t, I said yes when I wanted to say no, I pretended I was high on life when I thought life was at best mediocre. When I have a down day, I didn’t and still don’t let many people know. I smile, I listen and then give advice that I myself don’t follow. I don’t know if it’s fake because I do it to send out nothing but good vibes, I want to make you feel special and most importantly want you to feel seen and heard. So it’s an innocent harm, a selfless harm….right?
I don’t think so – it’s exhausting and to constantly do it, is harming me.
Especially when I’m not being true to myself. Some will say it’s harmless because its in the moment and not consciously, but if you are constantly having moments of doing it.. those moments add up and get heavy, soon leaning like the Pisa joint in Italy. I got to that point… the heavy exhaustion where I didn’t want to get out of bed unless it was absolutely necessary -so work and mommying. I don’t blame the people that I felt the pressure to be high for.. I blame myself for taking that on. It was my choice.
One of the most important things we can do is be self aware of ourselves. The good, the bad and the hideous. So although being high is a good thing, being high when you really are high is the only right way to do it.