In these 43 years of life, I’ve been privileged to have five relationships. I can honestly say that if I never get into another relationship, I will be fine because of these five. Goodness, those are two strong-ass sentences right there!

Let’s start by acknowledging my growth. I just called my past relationships a privilege.

I toyed with using blessed, fortunate, grateful even lucky in describing these. I ended on privilege because each of them taught me so much about myself, about life and about love. Each of these men loved me, in their own way and for that I will be forever grateful.

Just because I called them a privilege doesn’t mean these relationships were perfect. In fact, they were fraught with challenges, with two being deeply traumatic. They left me broken, defeated, and scared, leading to dissociation not just from others but also from myself. I’ve touched on these before if you’ve been reading me. If not, just know your girl has been through it.

The five had commonalities, ones that support the privilege they were in my life. During these relationships, we accomplished sharing ourselves with each other and at the same time. We went deep, no small talk. We knew what made each other tick. We knew each other’s past traumas. We knew about the how and why of who we were. We ignited a fire TOGETHER and a fire IN each other, none of that one-sided bullshit. These fires that we ignited, were big ones; filled with our deepest secrets, our aspirations. We shared and memorized our bodies, our souls and our hearts, fully.

My first was just that – my first in many things. In love, in heartbreak and in my first circle back. I was so young, so naive, so in love. This one gave me my biggest gift during that circle back: my daughter. Now, more than twenty years later, I can also say that this one gave me some of my permanent walls. I can write a lot about this one but I’ll digress.

My second was a long distance love. Somewhat of a fairytale because we really didn’t take the time we shared for granted. So the moments we shared, were intentional and beautiful. This one was also not my normal type so that was different. I also liked that I didn’t have him at my disposal, it was perfect. This one loved me, really loved me hard. Looking back, I didn’t deserve this one then.

Number three was one of comfort and I was spoiled. Not materialistic but with time and attention. He came to me at a time when I wasn’t looking for a relationship but one I couldn’t not pursue. I fell for the possibility. I held the upper hand and I liked it, until I didn’t. This one ended so weird, the only man, that I never spoke to ever again.

My fourth was one I fell in lust with while at same time in love with. It was a whirlwind, it was strong, it was sexy, passionate. It rocked my world to the highest and also to the lowest. This man affected me forever.

My fifth was never fully mine, romantically but this one was my best friend. He is the one that makes me think that I may never be in a relationship again. Because, how can any feeling, any experience compare? Timing really is absolutely everything.

Five men that I have left pieces of myself in. Five men that have each left pieces of them in me, forever.

Think about it, we’ve all spent time with someone (romantically or not) who have altered the way we do something, who’ve taught you something, that is a daily practice years later. Or you still maybe wear something of theirs without a second thought even as granular as a song that maybe you used to listen to together. I absolutely think that it is a beautiful thing – part of me forever.

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times. The best moments usually occur if a person’s odyssey or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” – Minhal Csikszentmihalyi

XO,

JC