This Writing Thing.

I get a lot of emails, texts, calls asking if what I write about are my own experiences.

Short answer, yes.
I don’t have the best memory so there are times when I’m talking to my family or friends, reading a book, or watching a movie that triggers some thing in my memory that relates to my life. Which then gets me to start writing about my experience. I’m proud to admit that because these experiences have made me who I am.

So then once I say yes, I then get asked “what if someone judges you?”

Honestly, I could care less of how I’ll come across. And either way, I hate judgemental people.

So, yes I’m obviously a pretty open person but I am a private person too, believe it or not. You’ll notice with my gaps in writing when I have someone special because I do hold that close.

Also when I write it doesn’t mean I’m going through these things at that exact time. It could of been days, weeks, even months prior. I’ll also tell y’all that I don’t even hit publish on all of the things I write; also some are handwritten in actual journals and meant for my eyes or my daughters eyes when shes of age.

What is dope and unexpected with my writing is when someone tells me that I have helped them get through something or inspired them to become more open. This is the ultimate compliment and surprises me every time. It was never my intention to do anything with my writing but have it as my own release so helping someone is a major bonus.

And for those that may get offended for playing a role in these writings… You should’ve played your role in my life better. Ha!

XO -JC

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A Broken Heart

Alone. Humiliated. Shocked. Scared. Disgusted. Betrayed. Uncontrollable.

Imagine feeling these emotions and then your body begins giving up on you…. groaning with pain, so nauseaus that you are gagging even actually vomiting, have so many tears you are certain you are going to die of dehydration, legs so weak that you are holding onto the wall or counter for support, walking around with little to no sleep.

I mean shit, how much can one person withstand.

Doesn’t matter what brought you here, a lost of a soul, a job..whatever it may be. You are heartbroken; literally feel your heart breaking and wishing that you had the ability to reach inside your chest and just hold it.

You guys this is a serious condition even spoken of by The American Heart Association. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#mainContent

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

You know what though relish in this feeling. This means that you are alive; you genuinely loved someone else. You got to a place where many can’t. Relish in this.

So now what?

Know that we can not control what happens, but we can control what you do with it. Yes you can keep busy, but what you need to do is use your optimism.

❤Remember, you are never completely alone, as long as you are true to the person in the mirror.

❤Know that you will come out of this stronger & wiser.

❤Remember, you will get over it. Happiness will come, it just takes strength, a lil selfishness and patience.

❤Remember it’s okay to not forget. Like a sprained foot, it’s healed & you can walk but when the weather is cold or the thunderstorm arrives; you feel it again.. temporarily.

After all, a broken heart is treatable.

XO -JC

Me

We all know the importance of loving, appreciating and celebrating ones self.  You know what they say… you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.  I get it, I believe it and guess what I love the fuck out of myself.  Why, do you ask?
I’m relaxed.  Rarely do I get riled up over anything.  I’m a free spirit,  a liberal, a lover of people, accepting of people.

I’m open-minded. I crave for a world of happiness without judgement.  Everyone should live life how they want to live their life; they are the ones paying for their life; its common sense to me.  BE HAPPY.

I’m confident.  I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone.  If you don’t like how I live, that’s fine.  I really don’t care.  I don’t live to please other people.

I’m forgiving.  I have been hurt a few times over by people I never thought would hurt me.  But guess what…I realize that they are now happier; so who am I to hate on that. No one; I won’t stop anyone from being happy. EVER.  Holding onto anger or resent is poison.  Poison isn’t welcomed in my life.

I’m reflective.  I look back on things that have happened in my life; I consider and ponder how they have impacted me for good or bad because of course there are things I have done I shouldn’t have done, things I have said that I wish to take back but guess what “it is what it is”.

I’m compassionate.    I consider myself and confident others see me as a good person.  I care about others and work on helping others when I am able to whether that’s with an ear or a hand.  This goes back to being forgiving also.

I’m understanding.  Sometimes I think this is a weakness but it’s really quite nice too.  I have the ability to understand how others feel, even if I’ve never been through the same experience.  I tend to give people slack or make excuses for others actions, this is the weakness in being understanding.  I hate that I make excuses for others.

I’m confident.  This is not cocky or stuck up.  I just have a good self-image about myself (for the most part) and I believe I do deserve the best.

I’m adaptable.  No other choice; things rarely go my way, but I get over it pretty quick & keep on moving.  I also am able to be thrown in front of any scene/group/person and will adapt, I will be comfortable.

I’m humorous.  I don’t take myself too seriously, and really try to find humor in most aspects of my life.

I’m full of initiative.   I tend to be a leader and take the first step in a group setting and in a relationship.

I want to be more though, I want to be BALANCED, I want to always be LEARNING, I want to be more INTUITIVE.  Lord let’s not turn this into what I’m not, HA!  So there I am summed up.  Yes, I know you all cared.

XO -JC

The Questions

Many of us have been cheated on and if you haven’t fuck you. No but seriously, fuck you. Just kidding (not really) but it’s a pain that not even the best painkiller could help with. Your mind can think of nothing else and then enters the horrible questions that you really don’t want to know the answer to but you also do need to know especially if you are thinking of giving a second chance.

They are questions that you dare not ask because of your pride or just because it’ll sting that much more.

They are the questions that if you decide to forgive without knowing the answers to them will forever be in your head.

The questions that come to my mind are:
How often?
Where?
Better positions?
Tighter/bigger than me?
More creative?
Body more toned?
Do you cum harder?

Shit. Those could be some hard realizations if they are answered truthfully. The answers could break you and keep you from “getting over it”. The catch is they are also the questions that even if he/she answers them honestly; you already convinced your mind what the answer is. So why ask. Furthermore even knowing those answers the one question that will stay in your mind forever…

Why was I not enough?

XO -JC

Parenting To Me

If I was a frog I’d be alone on my tadpole when it came to parenting. I know that we all parent different, I don’t judge you but shit you sure as hell judge me. Is it because I am not married to her father? Maybe is it because you are just a judgmental prick, more likely. I parent with common sense. Can you say the same?

I was never that person who thought of being a parent, honestly never even crossed my mind but then I got pregnant. I can’t even remember the emotion I was feeling but my partner was great and I knew that our families would be great and I was financially able to so I said… let’s do this! Yes, there was a lot more thought into it but why bore you with all that.

I look at my daughter and can’t believe I grew her in my belly.. I feel this overwhelming emotion of love for her. This happens about once a day and it’s the favorite part of my day. And us as parents see our child as perfect in our eyes but come on, they are far from perfect, just as we are. They are human, you know – we didn’t create them out of bells & glitter so guess what (drumroll) YOUR CHILD IS NOT PERFECT. Remember this as you keep reading.

Have you ever thought why us as adults are able to have a bad day, but we don’t let kids have these days? This is silly, we have cranky moods, we get tired, we have moods that come with disrespectful tones, we have our own opinions; yet our children can’t? Stop holding your child to a higher standard that you can’t even reach yourself! Realize that your child has their own personality; not yours. We as their parent should understand that sometimes your child’s personality doesn’t match your own but guess what… you as the adult need to DEAL WITH IT. Change yourself to mold them how their personality needs to be molded, loved & cared for.

Let me tell you how I have parented thus far and how I plan to continue to parent.

I will give her the freedom to express all her emotions, yes this could be embarrassing; can include tantrums, yelling, etc… you know the things that would make others and even yourself think “oh wow that kid is a fucking brat”.

I will allow her to make her own choices. As we know our own choices lead to responsibility.

I want her to express herself; her likes, dislikes, wants and needs. I mean this is something that she’ll be doing the rest of her life why not get her used to it; aren’t that what parents are suppose do ..prepare the children to live?

I’m not going to shelter her to get her there, I’m not going to keep her from reality happening. Whether it’s the pains of reality or the joy of reality. She will not be sheltered.

I will give her the freedom to make the best choice for herself. She will learn her own lessons.

I will give her the comfort to speak to me about her feelings, her hurts, her disappointments… her life.

I will answer her questions honestly and with patience.

Doing the above will assure her that she can handle ANYTHING that life throws at her and will give her the skills she needs to do exactly that.

My biggest fear is being oblivious to my children’s sufferings as my parents were to mine… my ultimate goal is to be her safe haven, her place to talk freely about anything whether it breaks my heart and makes me want to crawl in a hole or not.

I’m not someone who prays but I do hope & wish when it comes to my daughter. I hope to demonstrate her inner peace, the importance of an open mind & I wish for her to be happy with herself no matter what.

I am “that kind” of parent.

XO -JC

I Picked A Few Times

How amazing is it that we get to pick the people we allow into our life? Let me tell you about a few of my choices….

I picked you because it was safe.  I knew you would never hurt me with lies, other women, you would never hurt me with hands or words.  You opened doors, complimented genuinely, brushed the hair off my face and most importantly, offered me the last bite of your food… most of the times.

I picked you because simply, I couldn’t do anything but think about you. Me someone who hates anything to do with numbers would count the hours until I’d see you again.  you made this lazy woman feel energized, excited and loved.  Even had me thinking of the future.

I picked you because there was none of that unnecessary and unsettling drama. You had this ability to balance me, give me order and calm me.
I picked you because it was just real, no stay up all night conversations about our fantasy life together, no butterflies. ..just real.

I picked you because you refused to let me be reticent. Wanting to hear me talk about the my favorite soap opera (General Hospital), work woes, food. No need for religion or politics…just wanted me to talk about anything.

Sounds great, right? But something was still missing; been lucky to have all these…but not quite lucky enough to have them all in one person.
Is it even tangible?

XO -JC

My Conscious Self

We all have one and we all spend most of the time pushing it to the back of our minds, ignoring it because it’s not what we want to believe.

My Conscious Self would do anything to avoid selfish people, people with a temper, judgemental people, people that make me feel worthless…question my being even.  But…
as I really begin to think about it openly; I wonder if my Unconscious Self leans towards just those things… to recreate my home, my childhood.

My goodness, I hope not. 

XO -JC

Resent

Resentment is evil. I’m not sure why but this time it’s bullied me and won. It’s a word that would’ve never been able to be used when describing me until recently and I’m not proud of it.

Once the optimistic, glass half full, happy person and now I struggle to think so positive. I’ve always been that person even when I went through some shit; shit that no one would have blamed me for becoming resentful about, I didn’t. I refused to allow room for resentment to come in, until now…

I resent that my self-esteem once so strong and undeterred is now so fragile.

I resent that I was once so comfortable in my own skin, yet now I’m questioning everything that was admired and loved about me.

I resent allowing to be drained emotionally and physically by giving all the effort for so long.

Most of all…I resent myself for loving someone else more than I loved myself because that is when the poison that is resentment slipped in.

XO -JC

Let’s Go Back

Let’s go back to the times where you actually have to see someone or call someone to catch up on their life.

Social media has taken over and no I’m not bashing it; I’m guilty of it but I want to get better WITHOUT it. Right now, I
scroll through my news feed on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.. but how generic is that? Of course we aren’t going to post the bad or even all the good. Maybe we’ll post something for laughs, for attention or just a response to the topic of the day -that’s not really them, not really you, not really me.

I know we are busy -trust me I don’t even get “ME” time until about 9pm every weekday and by then it’s shower & sleep (and of course scroll). But if we’re too busy to talk or visit with a friend/family, aren’t we too busy to be on social networks?

I start looking down my friends list on Facebook and I’m like -dude we never talked in high school or college why are we even friends on this? Do we even care about each others lives or are we friends to see what’s going on in your life? To be nosey, what a horrible character trait but the majority us have it.

I want to know what’s happening in your life and while you are telling me I want to look in your eyes, I want to hear your voice change, I want to see your hand gestures, your facial expressions -all those things that make you, you.

I’m not saying I’m getting rid of social media. Quite frankly, its my escape -from mommy, from claims specialist, from myself. What I am saying is that I will make a conscious effort to reach out to those that I care about; I want to hear your voice, see your face -I want REAL connection back.

Don’t you?

XO -JC

Loving The Same?

I’ve come across a lot of blogs, quotes, status updates lately…that basically say “find someone who loves like you”.  Now usually, I don’t even give it a thought but lately I have been and seem to agree with it. Hear me out.

I wholeheartedly feel a big part of the fun in a relationship are the differences.  You know that whole “Where you lack, I pick up” or “What you don’t know, I teach you” and “lets have a naked debate” (don’t judge me) excitement. All of that is fun, even the talking through and learning new things from it times and yes I still think that applies to a lot of things in a relationship but not when it comes to HOW you love. 

There isn’t a right way to love someone…just different ways, unique ways… YOUR way. And when I really think about it, I believe that when people in a relationship do not love the same, chances are, they won’t understand each other. If they don’t understand each other and spend more time trying to do that than enjoying it, the downhill slope is inevitable.

For example, what if one loves through action and not through words but that’s how the other loves. Actions speak louder than words (says the popular vote) but what if actions can’t be done because the other isn’t getting the words of affirmation needed to make them WANT to act?

Or what if one risks it all for sake of the relationship, for the sake of love but the other just soaks it up instead of reciprocating. Then the one that gave it all… begins to resent or just gets to the max and drops it all off the shoulders, what then? If the other isn’t the type to carry it, it’s going to die, that’s what.

Firsthand knowledge has taught me that if you love differently you’ll constantly bump heads, someone’s needs and wants won’t be met, simple things that shouldn’t affect the bond now do, things that would normally be overlooked are now magnified. Giving examples will lend y’all too much insight on my life but you’re intelligent, I know you get what I’m saying.

And yes accept others how they are but when it comes to love, there are expectations even from the most liberal, understanding, optimistic person. Love is so fragile that it requires expectations.

I’m now (for today) a believer of finding someone who loves like you love. Good luck ☺