34 months, that’s how long it’s been since I wrote. Who am I?

I’ll tell you who I’m not, and that’s myself, Jeannette. The one I love who lived authentically. She wrote to process. She wrote to feel. She wrote to grow. She wrote to heal. I haven’t let my feelings, my thoughts rock out in so long. I don’t have a reason. I think someone left their “bitch-ass” bag over here. Apparently, I put it on.

No but for real, it has been a long time since I have sat with my feelings. IN them, I am really allowing myself to feel. The good and the bad; then letting them go as intended. Did you know feelings are only meant to be held for certain amount of time that is needed? They are then meant to be let go. With that said; I’m heavy, the heaviest I’ve been (figuratively and literally) and I need to shed.

I can blame Covid – every body has. I can blame losing two of my best friends? Or a heartbreak? Maybe it was trying to play a role that wasn’t written for me? The reason is neither here nor there because the why doesn’t matter – although a therapist will disagree. What matters is that I recognize it.

I’m about to do something I don’t love to do- give credit to a man for this lightbulb moment. I know you all want to know the personal behind it. The cliff note version is that I had to put myself out there the other night. I shared my feelings. I was vulnerable even knowing I wasn’t going to get what I wanted in a response. I did it anyway. That sliver of myself showed out and I missed her. I missed the brave, fearless woman. Although my feelings were hurt, I woke up better this morning – lighter. Because, guess what? Things happen and you can’t change that. There are no do-overs. There is no clock to roll back on our experiences. All we can do is CHOOSE how it affects you. Man oh man, I let them affect me and drown me for a long time. But that time is over.

What is also over is settling – I want and will feel passion again, I want to be thrilled. I want life-changing unforgettable experiences again. I miss love flowing through me for not only myself, but for others.

So here is Jeannette, a little different but still recognizable. I have a feeling if you loved her once, you will love her again. She is reclaiming her magic. She is getting familiar with her new shape. She is loving herself while serenading, honoring, and standing strong on her worth.

xoxo, JC